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Old 09-18-2009, 04:06 AM
rubyfish rubyfish is offline
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Default Transitioning from mono to poly

Hi everyone,

I've been lurking for a little while and have some questions. I'm married right now and we've always been monogamous, but over the past year or so, I've been struggling. Not with the desire to cheat, as I have no interest in cheating, but because I feel like no one person could ever complete me. Right now we have a friend staying with us and we've formed a comfortable, but totally asexual, family unit. Since our friend moved in, my husband and I have been getting along better than we ever have and I've been happier than I have been in years.

I've tried to talk about this with my husband, that we're happier as triple then a couple, but he's so traditional I wonder at times how he deals with me. Is there a good way to start a dialog about it? He says he needs time to think, but I know he doesn't think about it, ever. I love him and want him to be happy, but I want to be happy to.

Thanks so much,

Rubyfish
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Old 09-18-2009, 04:19 AM
NIMchimpsky NIMchimpsky is offline
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I would try to point out the times when things work out better and go more smoothly because of your friend. Maybe you could try to explain to him that you love him dearly and that hasn't changed, but you love it even more when your friend is also in the picture.

When you say that he's so traditional and you wonder how he deals with you, do you mean that you're very progressive and he's not?

Since you said he doesn't think about it ever, keep bringing it up. That way he will have to think about it and hopefully you two can make progress.

Have you brought up the idea to your friend? How does he feel about your friend?

I hope things go well for you, your husband, and your friend.

nim
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Old 09-18-2009, 04:30 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Originally Posted by NIMchimpsky View Post
When you say that he's so traditional and you wonder how he deals with you, do you mean that you're very progressive and he's not?
I wouldn't use those words specifically when talking to your partner. Poly isn't any more progressive than any other love style; it is merely a different approach or nature. I know what my reaction to that statement would be and I have a great appreciation for polyamory.

Best of luck...is your friend male or female? And yes, that does make a difference in a lot of cases.
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Old 09-18-2009, 04:32 AM
NIMchimpsky NIMchimpsky is offline
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
I wouldn't use those words specifically when talking to your partner. Poly isn't any more progressive than any other love style; it is merely a different approach or nature. I know what my reaction to that statement would be and I have a great appreciation for polyamory.

Best of luck...is your friend male or female? And yes, that does make a difference in a lot of cases.
Oops, I didn't mean to suggest rubyfish should use those specific words. I was just seeking clarification. I don't see polyamory as more progressive, but much of society does, so I think it is something that has to be acknowledged when discussing polyamory, that it is viewed as non-traditional by many.

nim
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Old 09-18-2009, 04:42 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Sorry if I came off a bit short Nim,

I see where you are coming from but will beg to differ on one key point. I don't think "progressive" would be the word much of society would use when describing poly. I'm not saying this out of malice my friend, but am speaking based on the reaction of people around me who give me feedback on how they see it. I would love for them to say "Hey, that relationship is really progressive " Instead I get a lot of open eyes and a big "How the fuck does that work ".

This is a tangent so I'll stop here LOL! Now back to helping
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Old 09-18-2009, 01:40 PM
rubyfish rubyfish is offline
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I'm sorry that I was hopelessly vague in my first post. It was really late and I had just gotten home from work.

I'm female, my partner is male (I hate the terms husband and wife when applied to my life, not sure why) and our friend is male. In thinking about it more, it's not that my partner is horribly traditional, he is actually quite progressive. It's just that I'm so far off in left field that by comparison, he seems to be terrible traditional.

In terms of talking about it with our friend, I don't think that he is the one necessary, but rather it opened my eyes to the possibility of "hey, this could work." Since things have been going so much more smoothly, I really sat down and thought about why. It's like my partner and I are a cart with two wheels. Sometimes we balance just great, but other times it's really wobbly. But with three wheels, it's alway at an even keel. I think I would prefer a relationship where we were all romantically involved, and as I'm bi and my partner isn't, I have a feeling a FFM triad would work better than a MFM V, but I could be wrong.

Thanks so much for your replies so far. It's so nice not feel like I'm the only one in world the feels this way.
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Old 09-18-2009, 02:30 PM
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Sorry for the quick reply but in general you are right, FFM "V" s ro triads are more common, accepted and seem to be more successful but it is really up the people involved.

Take care!
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Old 09-18-2009, 03:44 PM
NIMchimpsky NIMchimpsky is offline
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Originally Posted by rubyfish View Post
I'm sorry that I was hopelessly vague in my first post. It was really late and I had just gotten home from work.

I'm female, my partner is male (I hate the terms husband and wife when applied to my life, not sure why) and our friend is male. In thinking about it more, it's not that my partner is horribly traditional, he is actually quite progressive. It's just that I'm so far off in left field that by comparison, he seems to be terrible traditional.
I understand what you mean now. I tend to be one of those people too, where I'm so far to the left, anyone looks like a conservative 1950's housewife/husband next to me.

Quote:
In terms of talking about it with our friend, I don't think that he is the one necessary, but rather it opened my eyes to the possibility of "hey, this could work." Since things have been going so much more smoothly, I really sat down and thought about why. It's like my partner and I are a cart with two wheels. Sometimes we balance just great, but other times it's really wobbly. But with three wheels, it's alway at an even keel. I think I would prefer a relationship where we were all romantically involved, and as I'm bi and my partner isn't, I have a feeling a FFM triad would work better than a MFM V, but I could be wrong.

Thanks so much for your replies so far. It's so nice not feel like I'm the only one in world the feels this way.
You could introduce him to the movie Vicky Cristina Barcelona. This movie features a FFM triad. By watching the movie he might really get what you mean by your two-wheel-to-three-wheel analogy.

nim
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  #9  
Old 09-19-2009, 11:05 PM
rubyfish rubyfish is offline
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We had a long talk about it last night. He said that while he's one to the possibility, he can't think of anyone he's ever known that would be our third wheel, such as it were. Then we started giggling about how we couldn't tell our friend that's staying with us about this, because even though he would have no interested in joining our relationship, it would seem mean to say that we didn't want him like that.

Thanks again.
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  #10  
Old 09-20-2009, 12:14 AM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
Sorry for the quick reply but in general you are right, FFM "V" s ro triads are more common, accepted and seem to be more successful but it is really up the people involved.

Take care!
I'm not so sure about that. It may appear that way, but honestly, among most of the people I've known and communities I've been around, FMM vees seem a lot more common to me.
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