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  #21  
Old 09-17-2009, 10:16 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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And I'm sure there are plenty of agregious errors of my own all over this place.

.
Egregious not agregious.


I bet you did that one on purpose.
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  #22  
Old 09-17-2009, 10:21 PM
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Egregious not agregious.


I bet you did that one on purpose.
I wish I were so smart, and that clever!
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  #23  
Old 09-17-2009, 10:54 PM
sweetie sweetie is offline
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Thanks for giving me so much to think about. You are entirely right when you say that I feel guilty for putting a restraint on tommyc. If he wasn't poly, I couldn't be with him. He's married to Sea.

He says he doesn't feel like I'm being unfair, and maybe I'm just worried the day will come when he feels differently. Something we will have to deal with if and when the time comes. No point in borrowing trouble when you're already in debt.

I don't ever want to take anything away from him. Whether it be his nature or not. To change him now, would be to change who I fell in love with, and I wouldn't change that person for the world.
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  #24  
Old 09-17-2009, 11:08 PM
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He says he doesn't feel like I'm being unfair, and maybe I'm just worried the day will come when he feels differently. Something we will have to deal with if and when the time comes. No point in borrowing trouble when you're already in debt.
Nicely put, regards possible future worries that aren't really in your lap at the very moment.

But the truth is that he's not the only one in the grouping that may change in the future. You, yourself, might find that you're not half as monogamous as you thought (think) you were (are). You may fall head-over-heals for another guy (gal). Who knows what the future brings? We're all changing in various ways, all the time.

What you need to do is ride the waves of change in a way that respects yourself, the people you love, and who and/or what each is unfolding into, becoming. Nature demands and imposes constraints and limits, so there's no reason you cannot, yourself, quite reasonably. Polyfidelity is one form of constraint that shares much in common with monogamy, but isn't monogamous. It's a perfectly valid thing to create, if so desired by those who create it. But one or several members could change over time. Will you be flexible enough not to break when nature asks for a change? Can you ride the wave you're on in just this moment, and let the future take care of itself? Are these two in conflict? Can firm commitments be altered smoothly when the time comes for the need of that? I think so. Where there is love.

As president Obama says, "Yes, we can!"
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  #25  
Old 09-17-2009, 11:55 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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I wish I were so smart, and that clever!






(i was in the National Spelling Bee in 1984 - sshh it's a secret)
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  #26  
Old 09-18-2009, 12:02 AM
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(i was in the National Spelling Bee in 1984 - sshh it's a secret)

How'd you do?

I've never been a good speller. Luckily, I had an English professor in college who thought I could be both a good writer and a bad speller. He told me I was one of the best writers he'd ever had in his classes! That felt good..., and I got mostly A's in my English classes in college. It was before college that I was a terrible student! I'm a late bloomer.
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Last edited by River; 09-18-2009 at 12:04 AM.
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  #27  
Old 09-18-2009, 12:08 AM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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How'd you do?









16th out of 151. Not bad - spelled 3 words right and got out on "inspissation" - thickening of liquids due to evaporation

The kid right after me got "Sagittarius" and spelled it WRONG - I was pissed about THAT
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  #28  
Old 09-18-2009, 12:46 AM
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Congratulations on a great national ranking!
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  #29  
Old 09-18-2009, 01:52 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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What you need to figure out is whether it all comes down to the real human constraint we all have on hours in the day and week, or something else. Only then can you move forward in understanding why you want to place a constraint, and whether that is a reasonable desire on your part. Etc.
Good point JRM.

I know 100% that my need for this boundry has little to do with time and lots to do with how I value sexual intimacy within relationships as well as some other more basic things that are even too private for me to share. I think the word constraint needs to be dropped in her vocabulary as well. All relationships have boundaries which could be worded as constraints.

If everyone is truly happy than no one is truly constrained.
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  #30  
Old 09-18-2009, 06:48 AM
sweetie sweetie is offline
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Again thank you, JMR. The questions you've posed have helped me gain insight into my own insecurities. Tommyc has never made me feel anything but loved and respected. There is no reason for my insecurities.

I have to admit the word contraint makes me uncomfortable. Not because I don't believe your point is valid. It certainly is. If it wasn't, I wouldn't have spent so much time thinking about it. For me, it's a word that implies control, and I don't like to think of myself as controlling. It's not something I can dismiss easily.

Reading your replies has reminded my why I was so happy to find this forum. I'm looking forward to showing Sea and tommyc your replies. It will open up a new discussion for us.
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