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  #11  
Old 09-17-2009, 09:05 PM
Ilove2men Ilove2men is offline
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I thought of the safe sex issue as soon as he said it. I already know we will use protection because of that.... I really don't like the fling thing... We will have to discuss it further. It's not about him being with others it the strangers coming in and out of our lives that I don't like. I will never meet them. I gain no friendship from them... its just meaningless sex. Something I am not into. If anything I would rather him find someone who will accept me as well. I think I need to speak more with him on this. There were some jokes made here and there by both of us. I need a little clairty on this one.
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  #12  
Old 09-17-2009, 09:12 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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There is always lots of work if you are looking for sustainability. But it can be worth it if everyone is honest with themselves and committed to each other

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  #13  
Old 09-18-2009, 12:27 AM
Karelia Karelia is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
There is always lots of work if you are looking for sustainability. But it can be worth it if everyone is honest with themselves and committed to each other
Mono is very right. Particularly because this concept is starting with you, and neither of your partners will have ever expected a poly relationship, you will undoubtedly have more work in terms of making sure they both feel their needs are met and that you don't favor one over the other. The balance will be your most challenging task.

However, I think you've done an excellent job of figuring out the different needs they meet for you. In fact, it was so moving, I'm considering writing something like it about my partners. I don't doubt you love them both... there was a time when I didn't think that possible, but I have learned differently firsthand.

Would you be open to either of them having a serious emotional commitment to someone else? It sounds like you would be, at least with your friend. I totally understand how you feel about flings. I have a friend and she and her husband were swingers. He wound up having an affair with the girl they normally did this with, and she was crushed. Needless to say, it stopped her willingness to swing. When I told her about our triad, she was really supportive, but said that the emotional connection would be a real issue for her. I said that I was exactly opposite. I couldn't handle it if there wasn't an emotional connection. So, you need to analyze your feelings on that... if he's asking for permission to sleep around and it will upset you, then that's not good. If he's asking for the freedom to pursue other committed relationships, then it sounds like that is something you are open to and okay with, at least in theory.
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  #14  
Old 09-18-2009, 03:17 PM
Ilove2men Ilove2men is offline
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More updates and what not...

I have continued to talk openly with my friend. He has made his final decision to see if this will work. He said that he can't make any promises as of yet that he will be able to handle it and continue. But that he is open to the possibility of this actually working out. He said currently he is only agreeing so that he can have time with me, but if he cannot handle it he will say so. I am so grateful to him for being so open minded about this. He also understands that our communication will be limited for the time being while I approach my fiance with this.

Now, the time will be Saturday night to tell my fiance. He is in pain and is confused as to what our future is. We have been sleeping separate for almost 2 months now. He has seen the transitions and emotions I have been going through, but he hasn't even asked. It got so bad... I didn't want to believe what my heart was telling me. I crumbled and just wanted to die than to think that I could be such a monster. He saw my angst... and now he is witnessing the clouds parting... but he still doesn't know why. I will have to do a lot of damage control with him. He will be the harder one to convince. All I can do is pour my heart out to him and once the shock begins to subdue hopefully he will want to dicuss the possibilities.

As for other partners... I am more open to my friend having another partner if this goes well. Being that he lives out of state and that my time with him in person would be every other weekend... I worry about his lonliness. He may need another companion. My only thing about that is she must know about the situation and accept me as part of his life. We will be a package deal. With my fiance... not so much. Mainly because I have spoken with him before about bringing other women in and he absolutely did not want to have sex or be involved with anyone but be. I believe him to be very mono and rather like that about him. If in time he were to change his opnion on the topic. I will be open to disscussing the possibilities of such.

PS. Mono, I told my friend about you in hopes that he would contact you to get a little insight given that you two will basically be in the same position. But, he said he doesn't need to at this point. I am curious however... would you mind telling me what do you get out of your relationship? What are your benefits? What are somethings that have troubled you?
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  #15  
Old 09-18-2009, 04:17 PM
Ilove2men Ilove2men is offline
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Default Guess I won't be needing your advice anymore, Mono...

My friend has taken back everything and canceled our meeting tomorrow. He said he was cutting off his phone for the day because he needs to pull himself together and will call me tonight. This still doesn't change the fact that I need to tell my fiance.... I think my initial fear of having to lose the both was correct... I am shattered. How could I have wanted the imppossible... I have only caused hurt with every emotion I have felt. This was never my intention.
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  #16  
Old 09-18-2009, 04:38 PM
Ilove2men Ilove2men is offline
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Unhappy

My heart has betrayed us all...

Last edited by Ilove2men; 09-18-2009 at 04:40 PM. Reason: meant to put sad face not angry
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  #17  
Old 09-18-2009, 06:49 PM
Ilove2men Ilove2men is offline
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Default This thread has turned into a diary of sorts...

First off, I am terribly sorry for all my typos. I am mostly typing from my itty bitty phone keyboard.

Secondly, My friend told me to let him know how the conversation with my fiance goes... What a rollercoaster this is. Ups and downs, yes and nos. Anywho, since tomorrow has been canceled. My daughter is sleeping over at her grandmother's tonight so we can talk.... I have no clue what the outcome of any of this will be... it is terrifying.
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  #18  
Old 09-18-2009, 07:00 PM
pokey pokey is offline
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Your at a difficult point trying to figure out what will or will not work out for all of you. Have faith in what you already have with the two of them. Things always have a way of working themself out. This is not a "typical" situation and can be hard for anyone even the people in the situation to wrap their head around it. Remember this is only a point in time and you may be on a new journey! When has change ever been bad?
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  #19  
Old 09-18-2009, 07:16 PM
Ilove2men Ilove2men is offline
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Thank you pokey. It is extremely scary... yet extremely exciting as well. I came across a poem from the 1600s I thought was perfect...

I

How strong does my passion flow,
Divided equally twixt two?
Damon had ne'er subdued my heart
Had not Alexis took his part;
Nor could Alexis powerful prove,
Without my Damon's aid, to gain my love.

II

When my Alexis present is,
Then I for Damon sigh and mourn;
But when Alexis I do miss,
Damon gains nothing but my scorn.
But if it chance they both are by,
For both alike I languish, sigh, and die.

III

Cure then, thou might wing'd god,
This restless fever in my blood;
One golden-pointed dart take back:
But which, O Cupid, wilt thou take?
If Damon's, all my hopes are crossed;
Or that of my Alexis, I am lost.
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  #20  
Old 09-18-2009, 08:34 PM
Karelia Karelia is offline
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I've always loved that poem... the anguish she feels is as evident as yours. I know you don't want to hurt either of them, but I know you long for them both.

Good luck... I hope your fiance will hear you out and give you the chance to say what you need to...
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