Trying to figure out what I want.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by Handmaiden

He feels threatened by the idea of me being in love with someone else, that I'll end up leaving him because he's rather insecure about himself. Sex isn't so problematic for him where there are no feelings involved, he knows he doesn't own my body.

Still, that he feels it is permissible for you to have have sex with someone, with the idea that only your body is engaged in sharing physical acts, and yet not acceptable for you to let in love, caring, respect, and affection from someone seems exactly like ownership to me. And what beautiful, wonderful possibilities he wants to keep from you! That is miserly, stingy, and selfish. It relegates you to be open with only one aspect of your being, like a toy. Basically he is claiming to own your "heart," which apparently he deems more important but yet it's a turn-on if your pussy gets passed around. How sad. I would think that if you love someone you would be happy to see others also direct love toward them, not just that they use you to get off. This is a highly disrespectful attitude toward your humanity and your womanhood, in my opinion, and why people who are okay with swinging and yet not poly puzzle me. And I say this as someone who has nothing against casual sex, just to be clear. But it's the attitude that colors everything.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by redpepper

maybe she likes her pussy being used as a toy and passed around because it turns her man on?

Well, yeah, it seems they both get turned on by that, but why not also turned on by being loved by someone else? Is my point. But I know you get it.

Plus it seems like he's in charge of what she does, not her.

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by nycindie

Still, that he feels it is permissible for you to have have sex with someone, with the idea that only your body is engaged in sharing physical acts, and yet not acceptable for you to let in love, caring, respect, and affection from someone seems exactly like ownership to me. And what beautiful, wonderful possibilities he wants to keep from you! That is miserly, stingy, and selfish. It relegates you to be open with only one aspect of your being, like a toy. Basically he is claiming to own your "heart," which apparently he deems more important but yet it's a turn-on if your pussy gets passed around. How sad. I would think that if you love someone you would be happy to see others also direct love toward them, not just that they use you to get off. This is a highly disrespectful attitude toward your humanity and your womanhood, in my opinion, and why people who are okay with swinging and yet not poly puzzle me. And I say this as someone who has nothing against casual sex, just to be clear. But it's the attitude that colors everything.

maybe she likes her pussy being used as a toy and passed around because it turns her man on?

I think sometimes men think women are like them and their genitals are like them. Men put things in and that is a different power dynamic than taking in. I echo NYCindie in that I would feel controlled and used, but maybe this is not what is going on.

My Leo likes to go to swinger parties and watch his wife get fucked by different men. He totally gets off on being a voyeur and hearing about her and my stories. He believes that pussy is boss and that we are empowered. He couldn't believe that I thought I was used. Didn't occur to him in the least. He would never use women I don't think. His repect is far too high. If a woman were to want to have sex with him he would consider it a huge honour. He had not thought men would see it any other way. Naïve perhaps, but it made me realize my worth to him. Mono and PN treat me the same way. I would not pick men any other way now. In a swiniging scenario I just wouldn't know where the men were coming from and wouldn't do it for that reason. I have seen too much and been through to much to think otherwise now.

[bananabread]

Handmaiden, it's obviously good to consider your partners feelings but i'm wondering what you hope to gain from this weekend party sex 'deal'?
Are you merely doing this to turn him on as suggested above?
Are you concerned that he might have a change of heart after the fact?

I say this as a mono male with partner seeking poly. I too get off on the 'fantasy' of my girlfriend having a rendevous with a random stranger but realised that in 'reality' I would be a little too concerned for her safety and the well being of our relationship to be comfortable. We agreed that it would make us both feel better if she got to know a potential partner rather than having a one-night stand. I guess it depends what you are looking for and as you say you are trying to figure out what you want.

[Handmaiden]

Thanks for your replies .

One part of sat night is actually seeing if I *can* fuck someone else. I have a lot of hang ups around cheating (due to it destroying my parents' marriage) and while I am clear that this is not cheating because he knows about it and we've negotiated it, I still don't know if I can get past my hang ups.

Part of it... I don't know... I think there might be a part of me trying to goad him into being more dominant. Which is probably not entirely a healthy way of going about it. I am not always submissive in sex but atm I really want to explore it, but he's into egalitarian sex. He's trying, for my sake, but I do get off on his jealous arousal. There is a thread on here that made me completely reassess my thoughts on finding a guy into the D/s play, especially as I'm not particularly hardcore! So am I trying to prod him into something more dominant? Hmmm, don't know!

I know he's coming from a place of fear, not ownership. It just hurts him to think I could love someone as passionately as I love him (even if it's different), because we have such a deep and unique connection. I'm playing devil's advocate with him atm, I told him I'd be willing to have a threesome with one of his friends who we both find attractive and from all accounts she wanted him at one point and said I was hot. This is worlds away from me originally saying I would be too jealous to watch him have sex with someone else. And in truth I would be ok with it, as she's a lovely person. He thinks he is hardwired for monogamy so of course I'm playing with fire, but I want to push the boundaries a bit.

So, what else do I want from Sat night? I want to feel sexy again, to someone other than my partner as really we've known each other for ages and he would find me hot even if I was not (and I'm a mama so most of the time I feel not at all sexy!). I want pleasure, even if I don't get sex I would like to feel that thrill of arousal from someone new. I have a crazy libido atm, and my body sings to me of sex most of the time, so I want a sensual experience that granted he can give me too, but I want to try my new libido and well, my new ability to FEEL with someone else to see if the sex is just better all around or only with my man.

Sorry for the ramble!

[redpepper]

There are quite a few threads on casual sex if you're interested. A tag search will bring them up. One thing to be aware of is the hamngover the next day. There can be a real sense of loss and guilt the day after. Your body can have a memory of things where your mind doesn't.

[Handmaiden]

Thanks Redpepper.

We had a very good talk last night, I don't have time to update atm but we made a few breakthroughs I think. I don't want to have lots of casual sex, am worried about risks, and he is too. So he is more open to the idea of a casual relationship arrangement and wanted to know more on my thoughts on how it would work.

Still open to the idea this evening though, I guess we'll see what happens.

[BlackUnicorn]

Originally Posted by Handmaiden

Part of it... I don't know... I think there might be a part of me trying to goad him into being more dominant. Which is probably not entirely a healthy way of going about it. I am not always submissive in sex but atm I really want to explore it, but he's into egalitarian sex. He's trying, for my sake, but I do get off on his jealous arousal. There is a thread on here that made me completely reassess my thoughts on finding a guy into the D/s play, especially as I'm not particularly hardcore! So am I trying to prod him into something more dominant? Hmmm, don't know!

Yup, risque. I'm at the early stages of exploring a vanilla relationship with a BDSMer and trying to manipulate someone's sexual orientation like that, or even feeling that you should try to be more 'open' that way to be acceptable to your mate, can seriously mess up both your sex life and your head. How about trying to find a man who switches, especially if you are at the earliest stages of exploration into BDSM territory? Which specific thread are you talking about?

[Handmaiden]

Hey BlackUnicorn,

I actually spoke to him of my concerns about maybe this is partly me trying to make him more dominant. He asked if that was all it was, and I said I thought not, but it may have something to do with it. We've been researching stuff we can do and so far he's fine with everything I've said I would like.

So I read your comment and I've been worrying about it! We had some play today and afterwards we talked about it, about what worked and didn't and I asked if he felt uncomfortable about anything. There was only one thing and that was the mechanics of something. So I kept worrying about this idea of me changing his sexuality... and I brought it up. So basically he said that he would much rather experiment with me (and he does find it fun, just not really a huge turn on atm, but it depends on what we're doing) than have me go to someone else for it. There is a huge amount of trust I have in him that makes me able to explore this with him that I won't have with someone else. The thread is the one started by dingedheart about the discovery of photos and emails. While I know that I have my children's best interests at heart and would NEVER be so careless it's still an example of what can go wrong if you're "outsourcing" for that kind of thing. So yeah... he's basically said he wants to do this with me, and he will refuse to do anything he doesn't feel comfortable with (and as I said I'm not particularly hardcore so most of the stuff that makes him uncomfortable also makes me uncomfortable).

About last night... there was no one there that I was interested in, my partner was rather relieved to hear that. He asked if I still want to do it and I said right now no, but it may come up again. We're still talking about it. If nothing else, we're much more open and communicative about this stuff now!

[BlackUnicorn]

So happy to hear, Handmaiden!

I think the name for this thread is chosen aptly. You now you want something, but are not entirely sure what it is. And that's perfectly okay. It might be your guy turns out to be the thing you want, or it might be that besides him, you want something or someone else. Am I reading this thread right if I understand that you are interested in non-monogamy, but not sure about polyamory?