Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner


Thread Tools Display Modes
Prev Previous Post   Next Post Next
Old 03-17-2011, 07:08 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 8,435

Originally Posted by RitaFire View Post
I did feel some resentment towards Rob for not wanting me to become involved with someone who I did care deeply for, because the man was married and cheating. Rob was being logical about it. I know Rob meant well and wanted me to not become involved out of love and care for me. Likely the man would have lied to me if he was willing to lie to his wife, I may end up feeling hurt, and it was not fair to the man's wife. Rob also made a good point that someone who does that lacks courage.

I think I felt resentment because I don't want to feel like I am being controlled as to who I can and cannot date. I don't become infatuated or get attached to someone very easily, but when I do it is hard and fast, and I want to take action on it as soon as possible. Its raw, primitive, and I don't want to be stopped.
I will toss another possibility out there, Rita. Perhaps the infatuation you felt was more about being attracted to the situation of a man cheating than it was to the man himself. There could be some fear surrounding the idea of another man being more available to you -- which is what is possible in an open, honest relationship. Cheating on someone necessitates careful planning, making excuses, covering one's ass, lying, scheming, as well as limiting the time one can give to a mistress. All that energy spent plotting rendez-vous and liaisons kind of consumes the cheater and their mistress, and so that could be interpreted by you on some level as more "safe" in an emotional way -- with a little more work to do on the structure and logistics of a relationship with a cheater might signify in your mind that it will be easier to deal with than someone who can more fully immerse themselves in romance and the potential for LOVE developing between you.

Of course, this may not necessarily be the truth, but our minds do naturally and primarily build up defenses. A poly person can have the same logistical and time restraints as a cheater, but everything's out in the open. Perhaps the openness and honesty scares you because if you let in a more full possibility of love for yourself with another man, then you see the possibility also of another woman loving your husband. And you might not really want to look at that. So finding a guy who cheats seems easier to handle.

Any of that ring true for you?
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:

Last edited by nycindie; 03-17-2011 at 07:10 PM.
Reply With Quote

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 03:18 AM.