Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #31  
Old 09-17-2009, 05:59 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,639
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by sweetie View Post
the more love you receive, the more love you have to give.
For me it works the other way better... the more love I give the more I receive. I think it becomes a cycle then, a beautiful circle of love and happiness created by me. Of course receiving love then becomes my drive to give more... the trick is to realize that giving love sometimes means being confident, communicative of feelings and boundaries and standing firm in ones convictions... having integrity and good ethics. If one is too flakey about their love of others it isn't believable love.

Besides this it's important to take the time to show love by being concerned, empathetic and making an effort to let people know that you love them... this means being selfless sometimes so that we can receive.

It's all so very tricky, but oh so worth the effort.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #32  
Old 09-17-2009, 06:13 PM
sweetie sweetie is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 62
Smile

You explained that beautifully. Thank you. Looking at it from the other side makes me realize that you are perfectly correct. If I give more, I receive more. It's funny how taking the same words and changing the order in which they are spoken puts a whole new light on things.
Reply With Quote
  #33  
Old 09-17-2009, 07:13 PM
pokey pokey is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 20
Default

I couldn't agree more , that it really is about the comfort level. I try and remind myself that if I am ok with all of this than I really need to get over worrying if anybody is ok with what I choose for my life.If they are not comfortable than they need to do whatever they need to do


I think the more you are ok with the situation , the more everyone around you is. When they sense an uneasiness with the situation, they get analytical and uncomfortable.
Reply With Quote
  #34  
Old 09-17-2009, 10:23 PM
sweetie sweetie is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 62
Default

I'm finding that my own comfort level changes with each person and situation. My daughter informed me very casually that all of her friends know about my relationship with Sea and tommyc. To say the least I was a little taken aback. It wasn't that we had ever tried to hide it. I just didn't realize that we were being so obvious.

Of course my concern was for her. How did she deal with the questions? Was she embarassed? Don't feel like you have to defend our relationship. Just tell people that your Mom is an adult and she makes her own choices. It's no reflection on her. After she calmed me down, she told me her friends don't care. They see that I'm happy, and it doesn't change how any of them feel towards me. I wonder how in the world I raised such a tolerant child.

The ironic part of the situation. I was invited to my daughter's best friends wedding this summer, and it never occurred to me that they would treat me any differently. I don't know if that comes from the comfort of believing in the relationship I share with Sea and tommyc, or the comfort my daughter feels in our relationship. I guess it doesn't really matter where it's coming from. Just that it's there.
Reply With Quote
  #35  
Old 09-18-2009, 05:27 PM
pokey pokey is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 20
Default

do all three of you live together? Has this caused "issues" within your community? your families? do you get lots of questions and raised eyebrows? what is your standard answer?

(I am new to this forum so you may have already given this info in previous posts)
Reply With Quote
  #36  
Old 09-18-2009, 07:31 PM
sweetie sweetie is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 62
Default

I too am new to the forum, and relatively new to poly as well. We live in a very small town. A town where there are alot more people living a swinging lifestyle then you would think. We don't live in the lifestyle, but that's how it all began. What started out as casual and just having fun, has turned into so much more. None of us were looking for what we've found. I can't say for sure that we are the only people living a poly life here, but if I were to guess from the whispers and pointed fingers, that we are. It's okay to be married and have multiple partners, but a little different to be married and have just one person who is so intimately involved in all aspects of your life. People can be funny that way.

We don't live together. Sea and Tommyc live in their house across town, and I live in an apartment downtown. We spend every weekend together. That could be 2 days, 3 days, or sometimes even 4. We try to fit an entire "week" into our weekend. I have my own room there. "Our" granddaughter has her own room there. When some of our out of town children come to visit, they know that my room is mine, whether I'm there or not. It is as much my home as theirs. I do laundry, dishes, wash floors. I've helped Sea paint pretty much the entire house indoors. We've reno'd the kitchen and bathroom together. I just don't happen to live there during the week.

Going out is another matter entirely. When Sea and I go out shopping together, we will often discuss what's in the fridge "at home". Although we are both straight, we do give off the vibe of being a couple. How could we not, we are 2 of 3.

For a long time the three of us stopped going out to clubs/bars at night. We felt we couldn't be ourselves if we were out in public. Tommyc likes to kiss us both, and doesn't care who's watching. Sea and I were worried about working with the public and having stories or rumors getting back to our employers or God forbid our children. Now that our children know what our relationship is, we no longer have to worry about our behaviour being a reflection on them. As far as our employers go. Sea has checked with her company policy, and I'm not working right now. Tommyc doesn't care who knows.

We have since started going back out again at night. We can't spend all our time alone. I am a very social person, and as much I love spending time with them alone, we all need to spend time with other people. We go out as ourselves. Three people in a relationship. We are proud of who we are and what we share. We wear matching Claddah rings on our right hand. We have had people ask genunine questions. We had people ask ignorant questions. We have had people see us downtown during the week, and point their fingers at us, because they may have seen us out the previous weekend. We don't take those people home with us, so their opinion has no meaning for us. As long as the people that mean anything to you in your life, love you, the rest will be worked out. Everyone has their own level of experience and acceptance. If you can't accept my choices, then at least respect them, as I do yours. My 23 year old daughter has a new boyfriend. He's 37. A year ago, I would have lost it. Now, I just accept. I have a wait and see attitude. If she can be so accepting of our relationship, how can I not at least try to accept hers. So i'm reserving opinion at the moment.

It has been a wonderful learning experience for us all. It's hasn't all been great. We still have many issues to deal with, but we're doing it with open minds and open hearts. Sea and I have more issues with each other then Tommyc has with either of us, or both of us put together. Finding the forum has helped me to look into myself, and see where my insecurities are coming from. We've been doing this alone for 3 years, with no one to talk to. We have made huge errors in judgement. We go back and do it all over again. Sometimes we get it right, and sometimes we make the exact same mistake again. But we keep trying.
Reply With Quote
  #37  
Old 09-19-2009, 01:02 AM
pokey pokey is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 20
Default

I find that you and I have a lot in common and I wanted to ask you for your advice/comments. I have been in a V for about 7 years. I am married and have a "friend". They are both my partners but we are all straight! We do live together which is really where our problems usually arise. In the beginning the party line was he went through a divorce and the living situations helped him out and we all benefited as a family in addition to sharing expenses etc.. I have small children who adore him and see him as family. His children visit and we all get a long great. That is until the outside world places judgement and asks lots of questions because they think we or I am weird to have another man living in my home. some most think I am having an affair on my husband? I think my family thought eventually he would move on with his life so to speak, get and want his own place as well as get his own girlfriend. We dont tell anyone the real deal because quite honestly it is no one else's business. Our kids are healthy and happy and so are we so why is that not enough for the rest of the world. We don't feel the need to be obvious, anyone around us sees that we are very very good friends and we have so much fun together as 3 as well as when it is all of us and the kids. I have been struggling lately because I often feel paranoid about how everyone views us. We are very active in the community, sports , public jobs etc.. and sometimes questions make me uncomfortable. We have recently talked about if I would maybe feel better if we both had different home bases. My husband and my partner are against that unless it will make me happier. I just cant wrap my head around feeling normal in this society. They both have the attitude like who cares about any of that, it is not important and can shrug it off, but me being the female is the one who has to deal with all of the questions not them. Any advice???
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 08:26 PM.