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  #1  
Old 03-15-2011, 06:46 AM
RobFire RobFire is offline
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Default Too Many Bad Examples

One thing that has been a recurring theme as my wife and I interact with people are the unfortunate number of folks who probably should be discussing polyamory with their spouses, but who have taken the all too more common approach of just cheating on them.

In my wife's case, her first infatuation with another man that led to her interest in polyamory turned out to be a guy unwilling to discuss poly with his wife, and a guy who had for years admittedly had several affairs. I can't stress how much this ended up hurting my wife and casting an even dimmer view of polyamory in her mind than she'd had before.

Then, recently, we'd met another guy at a function we went to. It was pretty clear from the outset that he took a shine to her, friending her on Facebook, chatting her up on there, and engaging in some fun flirting.

It also became clear after not too long, to my wife, that he was not sharing this flirtation of overt interest he had with his wife. He *also* admitted to having had multiple affairs over the years behind his wife's back.

What's really sad is that this guy's wife had discussed poly with him in the past, as she had expressed sexual interest in women as well as men. Instead of exploring that further, apparently he chose the more common route of dishonest dealings and dirty little secrets.

It is a continuing source of frustration to me that our society, at least a goodly majority of it, would sooner accept a cheater than one who strives to honestly open their marriage to new partners.

I really wish there were more good examples.

p.s. Not saying there aren't many here, just that the odds game has led to these two poor examples.
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  #2  
Old 03-15-2011, 01:52 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Some people just plain get off on the thrill of cheating. I have a friend who is this way. He's been in an affair with the same woman for 8 years.

The strange thing is that he and his partner have an open relationship. He has admitted to me though, that he needs to have his own private goings on. He's an introspective sort, and thinks this is because he needs to feel in control, which he wouldn't have (in his mind) if his partner knew all of his goings on.

He's a smart guy, but simply has no desire to live honestly with his partner. He says he couldn't deal with the stress that would come with being poly. I tell him I couldn't deal with the stress of sneaking around!

To each their own, I suppose.
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  #3  
Old 03-15-2011, 05:41 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Yeah, recently I got back in touch with an old friend/co-worker I hadnt seen in 10 years. We got together and I didnt know if I'd tell her about me being poly. But after a couple glasses of wine, she told me she'd been having an affair for about 5 years. She was enthralled with how I could have multiple relationships without any sneaking around or deceit.

Her husband even found out about her affair after a while. She left her email open accidentally. So he let her know he knew, but they only discussed it briefly once. He didnt insist she stop, and their marriage went on as usual. He didnt want to talk about feelings, or boundaries, they just went on, business as usual, same sexual frequency, etc.

Weird!
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

There's no lying in polyamory!

I'm a 58 year old woman with 2 partners:
miss pixi, my live-in gf, 36 (together since Jan '09)
Ginger, bf, 61, married, lives nearby (together since Jan '12)
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Old 03-15-2011, 05:58 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I have only cheated on a romantic partner once in my life, and that was when I was 19 years old (I'm now 50). Since that time, I was always faithful in all my relationships, but I was the "other woman" in affairs where the guy I was seeing was cheating. I do not and will not knowingly participate in that kind of situation anymore, and now find it much more thrilling and exciting to be open and honest about everything.

I do think that cheating on a partner can have a thrill that is similar to the one you can experience by "sleeping with the boss," which I have also done several times. It's exciting to have a secret, to be the only two people in a crowd that know what's going on. The secrecy and sneaking around, pretending that there's no interest or even a passing relationship going on, inside jokes that no one else gets, a look or glance in the middle of an important meeting, the feeling of getting away with something forbidden -- all these elements add to the turn-on. What occurs to me as I write this is that it's almost like role-playing; you have two personas you're trying to live as and manage.

The fact that cheating is more accepted, though, makes it seem more okay to the general public than being out there with poly or open relationships. Even swinging seems to be more accepted than polyamory, perhaps because the image is that it is confined in some way, like a secret. While society seems to be transitioning from that mindset to a more accepting one, hopefully people can see how thrilling and what a turn-on it can be -- since it is currently so different from the "norm," or what's expected -- to have multiple loving relationships in the open, without hiding, and to be truthful about them.
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Old 03-15-2011, 06:15 PM
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RitaFire RitaFire is offline
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It's too bad with this most recent guy. We had only met about a week ago and are getting along really well. I admired his passion and his artistic talents. He made me laugh. The flirting and sexual tension was fun. But he confronted me yesterday asking where this was going, he wanted to take it further, asked why is it that my husband doesn't mind he and I chatting and flirting, why isn't he jealous, what's in it for my husband, etc. He thought (and was hoping I think) that he and I had an open marriage. I ended up telling him about what my husband and I had been through with poly, and how we are not participating in poly right now because of issues that arose. I said that even though I may be attracted to him, I would not cheat on my husband. And even if we were practicing poly, that he would not be someone I could date because he would be hiding his relationship with me from his wife.

He understood this, and admitted that the cheating life was not an easy one, that the guilt sucks, its like a drug and it tends to happen again and again, and that he would not want me to do it to my husband because I should not have to feel the guilt either. Well, I take everything that any man in the heat of infatuation says with a grain of salt. They are clouded during that time, and their sex drive often causes them to bend the truth or say things to impress their conquest.

I would like to continue a friendship with him. I am not sure if it will continue or not, so far it seems ok. There is still some flirting. I am hoping that when the infatuation cools off we can still be friends. We'll see.

The parallels between this guy and the one from before is kind of uncanny. What is it that draws this type of man to me? Those that are married and want to cheat. And why do I seem to enjoy their attention, despite the pain? Why would I think they would ever be honest with me about anything, and even be a good friend to me, if they are willing to lie and cheat on their soul mate and primary partner? One big difference though from this new guy and the other is that at least he is willing to introduce me to his wife, even if he would not share with her his sexual attraction to me or that we chat daily.

But this recent experience brought back a lot of strong emotions in me again. Fears, anxieties, insecurities. Memories of what Rob and I went through in the Fall. I never felt so scared and alone as I did when he and I were going through that tough time. I don't want Rob and I to go through that ever again.

Last edited by RitaFire; 03-15-2011 at 06:17 PM.
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  #6  
Old 03-16-2011, 11:57 PM
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RitaFire RitaFire is offline
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I feel that I need to clarify this paragraph:

Quote:
Originally Posted by RitaFire View Post
But this recent experience brought back a lot of strong emotions in me again. Fears, anxieties, insecurities. Memories of what Rob and I went through in the Fall. I never felt so scared and alone as I did when he and I were going through that tough time. I don't want Rob and I to go through that ever again.
When Rob read this post last night, I could tell that he was frustrated. I asked what was wrong. He said that paragraph made it sound like I never wanted to try polyamory. That is not what I was saying here. What I was saying is that I did not want to go through again what we went through after it was decided to stop polyamory. The aftermath, the fallout, the anger, resentment, frustration, anxiety, loneliness that was felt.
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  #7  
Old 03-17-2011, 11:29 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RitaFire View Post
Well, I take everything that any man in the heat of infatuation says with a grain of salt. They are clouded during that time, and their sex drive often causes them to bend the truth or say things to impress their conquest.
Aint that the truth?

Quote:

The parallels between this guy and the one from before is kind of uncanny. What is it that draws this type of man to me? Those that are married and want to cheat.
I doubt it's something in you... I had a note on my ok cupid profile that I wasn't interested in married men, which I thought was worded too harshly and rudely, so I took it off. Almost immediately I started getting messages from married guys who wanted a "discreet" affair on the side. Bleh.

Quote:
And why do I seem to enjoy their attention, despite the pain? Why would I think they would ever be honest with me about anything, and even be a good friend to me, if they are willing to lie and cheat on their soul mate and primary partner?
That's a good question... It feels good to get attention, to feel desired. But when married men approach me, I just feel dirty.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

There's no lying in polyamory!

I'm a 58 year old woman with 2 partners:
miss pixi, my live-in gf, 36 (together since Jan '09)
Ginger, bf, 61, married, lives nearby (together since Jan '12)
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  #8  
Old 03-17-2011, 12:10 PM
RobFire RobFire is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
That's a good question... It feels good to get attention, to feel desired. But when married men approach me, I just feel dirty.
I do not see it as attention, but rather hollow flattery.

How can one cherish you when they must hide you. How can someone be proud of you when they must hurt others to be with you.

Rita deserves to be cherished deeply, and I've always been more proud of Rita and our relationship than most anything else in my life.
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