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Old 03-09-2011, 11:59 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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I agree with everything Cindie said, and I'd like to add, What about her female partner's veiws? You said she's been living with a woman for quite a while. Is she OK with her lesbian lover suddenly being in a relationship with a (married) man? How does she feel about this sudden huge change? Is she poly? Does she want kids? Does she want your h's gf to move out, and in with 2 relative strangers? Does she want to be a mom too? Will she be involved, or is their relationship struggling to the point they on the verge of breaking up? Etc etc

I'd say you both need to meet with her as well and hammer out just the adult relationship variables here thoroughly and responsibly, long before an innocent child is brought into the mix.
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 62), dating... again!
Pixi (poly, F, 40) my darling nesting partner since January 2009
Master, (mono, M, 36), Pixi's Dom/bf since April 2013
Kahlo (my ex, 46)
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Old 03-15-2011, 10:54 AM
preciselove preciselove is offline
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 83

It's sweet how everyone is acting here I think, the care being shown.

However to me it seems the OP is currently driving a bus, except she didn't know how to drive when she took over the wheel and is learning while dodging traffic. If she is at this current stage, 12 years into a relationship I must wonder what has been happening for those 12 years in regards to relationship skills...... it sounds like the married people haven't really been honest with each other for a long time, but stuck with each other because it was easier.

Now the new thing comes along and the man realizes he isn't really happy with the old situation. So following the path of dishonesty like he has for 12 years, he just continues to plow a new field whilst letting the old one slowly wither without much thought. Anyone interfering with his new field will pay a price because it's making him happy and he hasn't felt that in a while.

Tough situation, glad I'm not in it.
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Old 03-15-2011, 11:05 AM
preciselove preciselove is offline
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 83

BTW, I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with wanting kids 2 months into a relationship.... provided both people have wanted them for a while and know about all the ... things it involves. The guy doesn't fit that bill, though maybe the GF does?
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Old 03-15-2011, 06:54 PM
Braeica Braeica is offline
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 5

You don't ever bring a baby into a situation where the adults haven't fully stabilized. You shouldn't be having his babies until the two of you are comfortable in your poly. She shouldn't be having his babies *period* after a two month relationship. Babies need stability, and babies have to come before adult needs.

You have every right to point that out. You also have every right to tell him that if he wants babies, you want to give them to him and it is in everyone's best interest that if you really feel strongly about this, you tell him plainly that if he knocks her up, that will impact his relationship with you in a very negative way.

Your concerns are completely valid. Stick to your guns, don't be afraid to communicate with him openly about how you feel about it, and good luck!
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Old 03-16-2011, 07:36 AM
axlfreak axlfreak is offline
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Austin, Tx
Posts: 15

just wanted to drop in really quickly and give out an update. i did have a very short convo with my husband. he actually had been mentioning that he knew, cognitively, that none of us were ready for any of us to have babies. although i think romantically and sentimentally he still wants them right now. so i used that as a small platform. i asked if he and she were tired of worrying about accidents, had they thought of alternative birth control. right now they only use condoms. he said he had thought about that, and so had she, but not to much length. she had a lady dr appointment last week, but because of childhood trauma, was a little too wrecked to focus on more than the basic procedure. this also brought home the point to him, and he mentioned to her, that if she were to get pregnant at any point there would be lots and lots of dr visits. i think that had them both thinking. which is good. thinking is what we need to remember to do.

so nothing really accomplished, but i'm ok moving this slow. he knows how i feel, and he seems to be in control of his baby desires for the time being. that's all i ask for.

in the meantime, i'm having to get ahold of my own baby desires. the more time passes, the more i know i want at least one. but i know our situation is not ready. i can't help thinking if he had asked for a baby instead of a girlfriend 3 months ago, we'd be somewhere completely different. >.< c'est la vie

i'm willing to wait, to see where all this is going. i just hope everyone else is too.
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Old 04-02-2011, 04:17 AM
koifish koifish is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 71

It doesn't sound like he is being careful of these feelings. You need to receive a lot reassurance and care about this.
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Old 04-03-2011, 11:52 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by axlfreak View Post
i did have a very short convo with my husband.
I'm hoping to read in your next post that you had a very long conversation with him, and that you addressed most of the concerns brought up by others and myself in this thread. It's much too important an issue to let slide with a short chat.
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