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  #11  
Old 09-14-2009, 07:04 AM
jerry424 jerry424 is offline
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It seems after further research and reflection that I've got serious boundary issues to deal with, and that's the core of my problem. Over enmeshment. So, off to work on that. Sea, thank you for your input. A triad would seem nice, but he's straight, and not my type
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  #12  
Old 09-14-2009, 05:21 PM
Karelia Karelia is offline
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Hi Jerry,

Do you have any interest in pursuing other relationships? Just curious, because a little NRE of your own might help ease your feelings about her boyfriend.

I am in an equilateral triad, where we are all involved sexually and romantically. However, I still - to a limited extent - understand some of what you're describing. I have struggled some where sex is concerned (and have posted about that at length), because she is still new to him and we've been together for ten years. I sometimes feel like I'm "old" (and thanks to a high sex drive, also always available) and therefore less desirable.

Like you, I know my relationship with him is rock solid. What we know and what we feel, however, are not always the same thing.

So, here's what I've been doing. When my partners have alone time, I've been finding uses for that ME time. I do things they don't generally like to do. I find ways to occupy my time. I am still struggling. I still feel a big sense of anxiety when they have alone time. I have some serious abandonment issues. Everyone I've ever loved (or thought I did) has left me in some way, except for my husband (and so far, our GF). So, I think, despite knowing I'm secure with him, I'm getting some of that stirred up by the newness of our relationship with her.

All I can say is, use this forum to vent when you need to, and talk to your girl as openly as possible. I recently told them both, look, I'm still struggling with anxiety when you two have alone time. Right now, I *need* to know if they've had sex. I have NO idea why, but NOT knowing is worse than anything - I think because I am utterly out of control over what they do with their time (and should be, because it's not about me). I hope to eventually get to a point where I don't care and don't ask (or ask just because it's kind of hot to hear about it, lol).

I told them that this is NOT about anything they're doing wrong, or anything I think they will do wrong. I don't think they're talking about me (at least not often or in a bad way), and I don't think they like sex with each other more than with me... I worried about these things at first, but now I don't. But I still feel anxious. So, some nights when they finish alone time, I need a few minutes to compose myself before I can deal with being in the same room with them - not because I'm angry or hurt by them, but just because I need that time to process.

I am about as in touch with and as honest with my feelings as I can be... some things they don't need to hear (like when I'm being really crazy and thinking the worst). That's when I come here to work through my feelings and sort them out so that I understand them better and can better present them to my loves if I need to - and sometimes I do, but other times, I really don't. I just need to think out loud.
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  #13  
Old 09-14-2009, 08:32 PM
jerry424 jerry424 is offline
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Well, yeah, I would like to explore another relationship, at least in theory. In practice, circumstances are going to make that very difficult. I just don't know anyone in this area, poly or not. And it seems that this experience has brought out some issues within myself that I feel like I'd need to work on before putting myself out there for anyone else. Thanks for sharing, though. I feel a lot of those things you described.
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  #14  
Old 09-15-2009, 01:08 AM
Karelia Karelia is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jerry424 View Post
Well, yeah, I would like to explore another relationship, at least in theory. In practice, circumstances are going to make that very difficult. I just don't know anyone in this area, poly or not. And it seems that this experience has brought out some issues within myself that I feel like I'd need to work on before putting myself out there for anyone else. Thanks for sharing, though. I feel a lot of those things you described.
I agree with you on that... there are a lot of issues I have unresolved and never realized because my relationship was all about me and him. With another woman in it, all those insecurities resurfaced.

I have no regrets, but I would definitely caution anyone I know that it is NOT always easy, especially at first. I think out of all of us, I was the most realistic in terms of that, but it meant that my husband, especially was quite surprised by my issues (and some of hers, frankly).

It provides amazing chances for self-growth if you are someone willing to see things about yourself that are not easy to see... and willing to put in the effort to sort those things out in your head and with your beloved(s).
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  #15  
Old 09-17-2009, 03:29 AM
sea sea is offline
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Hi Jerry,
I guess I mistakenly called us a triad....We are a "V" and all straight. We are two women who share one man. I am fortunate to call my two best freinds my partners!
And could someone please tell me what NRE stands for.....new and learning!
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  #16  
Old 09-17-2009, 03:50 AM
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WaywardDruid WaywardDruid is offline
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Smile Meanings.....

New Relationship Energy.



Just Me,
Tim
__________________
Round & round the circle goes.
We seek the ones who will share in love.
In our dreams the answers come.
Round & round the circle goes.

Last edited by WaywardDruid; 09-17-2009 at 03:53 AM.
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  #17  
Old 09-17-2009, 05:36 AM
jerry424 jerry424 is offline
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http://www.aphroweb.net/articles/nre.htm
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