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  #31  
Old 03-14-2011, 03:17 PM
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Carma Carma is offline
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Originally Posted by Freetime View Post

I need to take it (my brain) out for a walk, a talk and perhaps a bath. it's been laying around in the dark eating bad thoughts and deep fried fear for far to long.

Goodnight folks, you make my head hurt... but in a good way. I think.
Cute

Good luck on the meeting Wednesday. Will it be all three of you, I presume? The fact that you are willing to meet speaks volumes, already removes much of the tension right off the bat. Two men being mature enough not to go all orangutan on each other -- very admirable. You both share something so precious -- the opinion that she is a wonderful human being! So for starters, this guy has great taste. I liked it when my husband and my bf would meet up, I felt protected, respected and cherished by both of them, it was lovely.

I think it helps to keep in mind that our traditional views of marriage are skewed. Women are no longer "property;" we are people. Love is much bigger than the possessive little thing we have made it into, using old standards of religion and economics, among others, to define relationships. You are to be commended for having a love that is big enough to consider a new way. Wishing you the best

Last edited by Carma; 03-14-2011 at 03:20 PM.
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  #32  
Old 03-15-2011, 12:08 AM
Freetime Freetime is offline
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Thanks Carma, Any advice on meeting him? guidelines, topics,?

To clear up some confusion I've caused here, the potential BF doesn't know he's a potential yet. My wife met him at an event, they hit it off and have met a couple of times since at other events where she realized she wanted to approach him about having a relationship. She had set up the meet to get together bring it up with him, but he canceled. Well actually he didn't bother to call her and cancel he just didn't call her at all to confirm it. Hmmmmmmm

We've discussed how funny it is that I and her have experienced so much emotional turmoil and excitement over something that hasn't happened yet and someone who's completely unaware of whats going on. Weird little world Aint it?
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  #33  
Old 03-15-2011, 12:44 AM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
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As for meeting the other guy? That's happening this Wednesday. wish me well. Any advice on the meeting will be appreciated. I promised my wife I'd not talk about guns, martial arts or club affiliations so I may need some help in the conversation planning I think.
Probably a good plan...last thing your wife probably wants to do is get in the middle of a Shooting Edge vs Firing Line discussion, or my MA Style can beat up your MA style, let's go outside and prove it!

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ImaginaryIllusion: You ask some tough Questions ya know? I have had to re examine just about everything i thought I knew about me, my wife and our relationship and do so with ruthless abandon. Painful? oh yes indeed, also Insightful and quietly inspirational.
Yeah, I'm probably known for that...but it's a technique that's served me very well in the past. Good on you for sticking to it...I think the mere prospect scares most people away from it. Yes, it can be painful, but the results are more than worth it.

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By the way I have no idea what this means: but if you're worried about you the classic wife 'opposite day' thing I'm slow.... use small words.
lol...that's the thing that wives do where they say one thing and mean the opposite.
Ever see the commercial where the guy was going golfing on an Anniversary? ... On the way out the door he keeps asking the wife if it's ok with her ...and she keeps saying "Yeah, it's fine."...(with that tone and look that anyone who has lived with a woman for any length of time should know better)
I think the last scene is him outside on the way to the car and there's sounds of dishes and stuff breaking from the house...
Opposite Day.


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And Vodkafan I'm still working my way through your journey here. I'm sorta curious what i may be posting 8 months from now.
It's like growing up...don't need to be in too much of a rush. You're off to a good start, but it pays to be patient....lord knows I learned that the hard way.

Cheers.
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  #34  
Old 03-15-2011, 02:26 AM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Since he's unaware of his potential role in your lives, why not just treat him as you would any new friend?

Don't get too far ahead of yourself.
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  #35  
Old 03-15-2011, 04:08 AM
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I was reading that one of your fears is that she will fall in love with someone else and leave you. At the begining of our journey I had the same fears about my husband. I came to the conclusion that I didn't want to try to hold on to someone if they didn't want to be with me. I want to know that he's with me because he wants to be not because he "has to" be. It's actually ended up bringing us closer.
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  #36  
Old 03-15-2011, 04:53 AM
Freetime Freetime is offline
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Default meeting topics? Anyone?

Imaginary Illusion: Thanks for the clarification and encouragement. Sometimes I feel at peace with this life change, sometimes I don't.

I like that you and the others speak your truth and ask me questions that really make me look at myself in this situation. I am grateful also to see that there's.....sorta like a plan to this change, and that you're willing to help the new people to the life style. I've been to other boards where the members are just a small closed group not really interested in helping out. So thanks for doing so.

I want to get to a place of true love where I both accept and encourage this change for my wife and I, yet continue to deal with unexpected jealousy and/or fear. Does this pass? please say yes as I just could not imagine staying where I am long term.

Don't you have like a spell or something that I can chant/use to stay in the soft and fluffy side of life?

Truckerpete....Exactly. I get just how far out of touch with reality I was/ can be in relation to where I actually am today.

Derbylicious: Awesome insight. and one that gives me a great deal of peace of mind oddly enough.

So how does one discuss bring this up in polite conversation? I'm heading out to a meet up Wednesday where the man of the hour will be present and I'm a tad lost as to how to get the conversation going.

I'm the kinda guy who would normally just say something like: "So... my wife wants to have an ongoing sexual relationship with you, you in?"

I'll probably leave the approach to her though unless this stays in mystery because that uncertainty just makes me crazy. so unless otherwise directed,
Stay frosty folks

Freetime.

Last edited by Freetime; 03-15-2011 at 06:05 AM.
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  #37  
Old 03-15-2011, 05:04 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Don't you have like a spell or something that I can chant/use to stay in the soft and fluffy side of life?
I am waving my magic wand (a real one with sparkles, not a Hitachi) over your name on my monitor - things should start to get ver-ry, verr-rry soft and fluffy soon.

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  #38  
Old 03-15-2011, 06:45 AM
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Ya, it gets much easier and sometimes it isn't something that is even thought about eventually... He is probably just as nervous as you. If you think of it, he is in a position to be more nervous... you could just crack a joke and see how it goes over Chances are it will be fine, I'm pretty sure that your partner picks people that you like. She picked you after all no?
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  #39  
Old 03-15-2011, 07:07 AM
Freetime Freetime is offline
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Default What the fuck?

I'm down stairs discussing what my wife really wants, FWB vs true poly and I burst into tears!! Me! I've just spent the last 10 minutes weeping like a small child and i don't even know why. I haven't done this in...years? I thought i was doing so well, now I just feel broken and alone.

I came upstairs to my office and closed the door so that I don't hurt my wife. I don't want my pain becoming her problem. Fuck me I really am on my own here.

just had to document this as it happens, i have a tendency to minimize.
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  #40  
Old 03-15-2011, 07:22 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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You aren't alone my friend... there are a TON of people out there who have experienced what you are going through... maybe consider it a growing pain. You are an independent person yes, but you are not alone... that independence, when moving from a mono type relationship to a poly one is glaringly obvious in the early days it seems, but it is not necessarily a bad thing, just uncomfortable and one needs to adjust to it. It feels uncomfortable because we are not used to it in monogamy. We are used to being more entwined and merged together... poly offers a separateness that means more personal involvement with ourselves while loving and relating to others... its hard to explain, but most definitely feels like being a lone when you aren't used to that feeling. You and her are likely still good, just changing into something different, there is bound to be tears with that. Keep at it. It's okay to let her know you are struggling. It's normal and likely it will help her empathize and feel close to you. I admire you for sharing your tears here... to me that is the stuff of great men when they can admit to crying... good on you!
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acceptance, communication, dating, jealousy, marriage vs. polyamory, metamours, struggling, transition

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