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  #21  
Old 02-03-2011, 06:34 PM
Raven Raven is offline
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Not a whole lot happening in my life... I'm working on a grant application for the research I do at school, and trying to keep up with studying in general. I'm continuing to make more friends, slowly but surely; I'm involved with the club that I went to last semester and applying for a position within it. I feel a bit odd, continuing to post here when it's still just me and Mal in our relationship, but my desire to be poly hasn't gone away. I don't know how it might happen, or when, or how Mal might handle it, or if it would be a triad or a vee, but I know if the opportunity comes up I'm going to take it.

I've still felt that it's better not to tell V about poly. She is a great person in all other aspects, but I'm pretty confident that if I told V it would get to people that I'm not at all ready to tell. Mal is even less comfortable than I am with being open about being poly. So, we're having a lot of fun spending time together, and getting to be closer friends, but I won't tell her about poly unless she directly asks. If she's still staying with us when an opportunity for me to be poly comes along, I might decide to tell her then; I'll have to wait and see.

We don't have a set timeline for how long V can stay, but if she can't get a job in the next month or two she plans to apply to AmeriCorp. She has lots of good experiences and references, and she's been quite diligent about job searching, so I'm not worried.

On another topic, poor Mal is really struggling with school right now. He applied for disability accommodations last semester, and that was a horrible hassle involving a lot of situations that he feels were degrading that started in September and didn't get finished till winter break. This semester was supposed to be a lot easier, where he could just concentrate on actually learning and not have to deal with bureaucratic bullshit. Well, the disabilities center decided to completely revamp how they do accommodations the first week of class, and now he's having to run around dealing with paperwork that he can't read, teachers that are upset about the new regulations (but expect him to handle any problems), and a disabilities office that keeps giving contradictory directions. He's so frustrated with the whole business that he's talked about dropping out of school and starting up again when we move for me to go to grad school, and he's getting more depressed again. I feel pretty bad for him, but there isn't much I can do other than let him talk.
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Keira Raven, married to husband Mal, interested in a woman for a triad or vee

(Previously known as Dakota Raven, husband previously known as Adam)
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  #22  
Old 02-16-2011, 07:44 PM
Raven Raven is offline
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I had a dream about Beth last night. I dreamt that she came by, and wanted me to sign a contract that I'd never contact her again, except I was allowed to write in exceptions for when she could contact me... In my dream, Beth kept trying to pretend that everything was going great and she was happy, but she had that pasted-on smile people have when they're just short of panicking. She went back and forth between being really distant and trying to hurry things up so she could leave, and then flirting with me and inferring that she might not be with Caleb much longer. I even dreamt that she kissed me (something that never happened in real life).

When I woke up, I just felt incredibly sad. I still miss Beth, even though I'm not sure the three of us could ever work out. I really hope she does find real happiness in her life. I'd hate to have the desperate Beth in my dream be the reality.

In other news... In general I'm doing pretty well; I'm finally starting to eat right, get sleep, and exercise again, so my productivity is going up and I'm feeling better about myself in general. I'm continuing to make progress in building a social community for myself. I asked a classmate that I thought seemed interesting out to lunch this week, and it went well enough that we're making it a weekly thing. I've made a goal for myself: I want to have someone to meet every day of the week for lunch by the end of the semester (and not just some random person, but someone I like that I would like to get to know better). I have three out of five already, and there's another classmate that I might ask about meeting with in the near future... They're all just friends (not a dating sort of thing), but I think it's doing me a lot of good to have people I can just enjoy social time with.

Mal had a tough time the last couple of weeks - nearly broke down with depression twice in the last week - and he's made the choice to get some help. He has an appointment with a psychiatric nurse to see if he can get some medication for depression, and he has another appointment with a doctor to try to get some pain relief (he has an arthritis-like issue in his knees and shoulders that is keeping him in constant pain and making it impossible to exercise). I have hope that things are going to get a bit better for him.
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Keira Raven, married to husband Mal, interested in a woman for a triad or vee

(Previously known as Dakota Raven, husband previously known as Adam)
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  #23  
Old 02-23-2011, 01:25 AM
Raven Raven is offline
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So I *thought* I was doing better...

Yesterday was Beth's birthday. Our friend, V, went to Beth's birthday party. The day before yesterday I was missing Beth, and sad, and got crabby at Mal. Yesterday, I missed her so bad that I was near tears all morning - I couldn't concentrate at all in my morning class. I called V and had her pick me up and bring me home around lunch time (I skipped my afternoon class). Yesterday afternoon, after Mal came home, he let me watch P.S. I Love You and cuddle and sob in his arms until his shirt was drenched. Then we went out and had a snow fight. I felt a lot better after that, but by last night again I was just sad, and again all day today. It's been almost 4 months and I can't stop thinking about her.

I'm thinking I might go to the counselors at my college and talk to somebody. I'm worried about running in to someone that's not poly friendly and tries to blame all my problems on wanting / trying poly, but on the other hand it could help.
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Keira Raven, married to husband Mal, interested in a woman for a triad or vee

(Previously known as Dakota Raven, husband previously known as Adam)
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  #24  
Old 03-14-2011, 02:08 PM
Raven Raven is offline
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Just had my first "intake" appointment with the school counselors. It was a bit easier to talk to the guy than I had expected - he was fairly good at just starting out asking random questions to get me talking until I was a bit relaxed. Poly didn't come up; I told him about being stressed last semester, but just told him it would take a lot longer than half an hour to explain, but that I had had a lot of friend drama last semester and that I had lost a really good friend. Mostly we ended up talking about me stressing out over school and having so much to get done.

I took away two things from today. One, although I didn't realize this until I was walking out, I'm going to want to try to focus on something from counseling and make it a task. I don't do general very well. I want something specific that I should try. Not sure if that's what I should be doing, but... I'm going to start this week / over spring break to time myself when I'm on my games / facebook / etc. I probably do spend more time on those than I want to or should. Two, I have a really hard time hearing his suggestions and not taking it personally. He says "we want to get you having more fun" (because I mentioned that I'm having a hard time lately just relaxing without getting anxious about my "to do" list), and I feel "What? Are you saying I'm doing it all wrong? I'm just fine without having fun, thank you very much!" It's not rational, but it's definitely there. I think it's really hard for me to admit that I might have issues that I could use someone else's help with. It's part of my self identity that I'm independent and I can take care of myself.

In other news... I haven't been pursuing anything really poly, although I'm still doing a quick check of OKC every couple of days. I have been looking into BDSM sorts of things (more dom / sub than sadomasochism - I think I may be a switch, not sure), and I'm considering exploring BDSM role play on forums / chats. Mal and I just started talking about it - he's not sure how comfortable he is with that, so I'm going to give it some time for us to talk things out before I jump in. I've also developed a little bit of a crush on one of the women that I've been having lunch with, although I'm trying to keep it from going further in my head until I know more about whether or not it could possibly work. I don't know her sexual orientation, not sure whether or not she has a current partner, haven't a clue if she's even heard about poly; and I don't feel I've known her long enough to just ask. I like her as a friend and I'd hate to creep her out and ruin a potential friendship just on the off chance that she's bi or lesbian and happens to be ok with poly. Statistically, it's unlikely.

Mal has been functioning, although he still struggles. He's been having issues with memories and bad dreams that are making him depressed and unwilling to sleep (mostly having to do with Beth and Caleb). He finally started talking about it some more, which I think is a good sign. Honestly, I wish he could get counseling; I think he needs to talk through this more than I do. Unfortunately, the only thing the county will pay for is medication, and we're on a tight enough budget that we really can't afford therapy, especially not long-term (which I think would be best for him). Oh well. I may not have a psychiatric degree, but at least I can be there for him. I think he really does appreciate that he can talk to me when he needs to.
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Keira Raven, married to husband Mal, interested in a woman for a triad or vee

(Previously known as Dakota Raven, husband previously known as Adam)
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