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  #21  
Old 03-13-2011, 06:29 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Default Ok - time out a moment

Hi Freetime,

I don't know your background so I can't project whether you will listen to any of this with an open mind or not.

It's important to understand that the desire and curiosity to experience something/someone new is TOTALLY NATURAL ! That's biology. It has nothing to do with ANY other person, nothing to do with this twisted definition of "love" etc. It's biological, and some people experience it at different levels. Also, some people are more successful at suppressing their natural needs/desires than others and deceiving themselves that they are doing something valorous.

It's bullshit Plain & simple.

It's just not how mammals are constructed.

But we have the big brains - right ? So we analyze, over analyze, create all manner of fantastic stories to suit ourselves etc. And we suffer. Needlessly.

I'd suggest for starters getting a copy of Sex at Dawn and giving it a good read. Before you go off condemning yourself or anyone else, get an understanding of biology. Things may fall into place much better from there.

It's all good - hang in there.

GS
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  #22  
Old 03-13-2011, 06:41 PM
Beodude123 Beodude123 is offline
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Writing things down, here or to Jen, have definitely helped me. Talking through everything has gotten me to the basis of my fears. For me, it seems codependancy is what is driving my fear of poly. Not that I'm saying that is what is going on with you....

Just keep talking, figure out what it is that makes you not accept it. I initially felt the same way oddly enough. I didn't really have a problem of FWB. But after a couple weeks, that wasn't what I wanted at all. I wanted Jen to have that emotional connection. But then I started fearing that as well.

I have a little notepad thing on my phone. Lately I've been jotting things down as they pop into my head. I have a bad memory, so if I write it down, it'll help me to remember what it was. So writing things down for me has helped me a lot.



As far as getting another girlfriend... It's weird. It's something I would kind of like to do, since I think it would help me to understand where Jen is coming from. But at the same time, I don't really want to divide my time. So I think for now having a secondary relationship for me is pretty much out of the books. Maybe sometime down the line when I am more in control of my codependancy... But I'm not in a rush to find another, since I'm perfectly happy with Jen.
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  #23  
Old 03-13-2011, 08:07 PM
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Since I'd been with some one who was with some one else, I've always wondered what it'd be like for me to be dating two people. Or have my primary partner (if I had one) decide to date some one else. I guess I won't really know unless it happens someday. But I fall in love so infrequently, I doubt I'll be worrying about it in the near future. Maybe you and your wife will have a poly/mono relationship. Do you think you'd be interested in dating others?

Isn't it funny how we typically imagine things to be one way and we're so often completely wrong about what the other person was thinking/feeling? On a lighter note, what kind of martial arts have you done?
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  #24  
Old 03-14-2011, 02:44 AM
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Glad things between you and the wife are a bit better since you decided to open up. It's amazing what poly brings up. I have found that it definitely means that processing my stuff happens faster and is far more a priority than at times I have been in mono relationships. Everything I do and say affects people in my tribe, so therefore I must make sure I am on top of my stuff all the time. There is no hiding it and no getting away from facing up to situations and who I am. It has made me very real, very vulnerable, and trusting, yet the love I have experienced and been priveleged to give; emmense.

I suggest that you and your wife and this man she is dating get settled a bit more before finding a girlfriend. If this man was an adjustment, another person coming along would mean more adjustment... there is no rush and if a girlfriend is to come into your life, it will happen when it happens when you are ready. Sometimes people push the envelope and work hard on finding another and don't work on themselves and the relationship they have with themselves first. Being your own primary is very important and to me is top priority.

It sounds like you have some things to do when your wife is out. That is awesome and is great for self care. My husband started a self help kick when I met Mono. He decided to use that time to better himself and work on some of the life long issues he has had around fear and anxiety... he now has a website (http://www.therealizedself.com/) that he has a years worth of material to put on and is starting to think about writing a book. He never had time to write when it was mostly he and I and now he has that time and looks forward to it. He has grown and changed into a strong man who is proud of what he has created within himself. He is alive now like never before. I'm so pleased for him.

As to the closeness between your wife and this man... I would suggest getting to know him. He is your ally, not your enemy I think. If he is like most secondaries he has huge respect for you and honour. Why not let him show that by showing him you are big enough to accept he loves her. He will be very grateful and respectful in return I think... at least in my experience.

Why not invite him to come together with you, to love the woman your wife is. She will feel honoured and loved in a way that is very special I should think. It's such a gift to give someone that much love. You will have this returned to you by giving and by creating a bond with your metamour that is vital to the health of your vee... and could be a huge benefit to your life. She will find she is compelled to love you more if you are communicating and giving her love by acceptance of who she loves... this is what happens more often than not it seems
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  #25  
Old 03-14-2011, 04:59 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Carma View Post
My husband has also narrowed his life down over the years. He counted on me, so much, to be the social director and the one growing and learning, while he just went to work and came home. We realize now that he needs to work on HIM.

. . . It sounds like you are also a very understanding, caring man who loves his wife very much. Do her a favor and give her the BEST gift you could ever, ever give her -- the BEST you, the REAL you. Find him again!
This is what happened to my husband and me. We had turned our life together into a very small, isolated, insular world. Unfortunately, he didn't start therapy or questioning how we went about our marriage until several months after he moved out. I am glad he is getting in touch with himself and discovering what beliefs and patterns drove him to make the decisions he did, but it could possibly have healed our relationship -- whether we stayed together or not -- if he had begun this self-examination process three years ago when he first started thinking of divorce (and did not communicate his feelings to me until he left). He recently told me that he realized he's never had a period in his life in which he wasn't in a long-term relationship and he is totally enjoying being on his own right now for the first time since he was 18 (he is now 52).

Quote:
Originally Posted by Beodude123 View Post
Talking through everything has gotten me to the basis of my fears. For me, it seems codependancy is what is driving my fear of poly.
Beodude, I think I'm developing a crush on you. Seriously, you come across as so likable and genuine, and very willing to look at and work on your issues that I feel honored to observe your process. So, I hope you keep writing - it uplifts others to read your story as much as it benefits you.


Ah, the pain that can happen when we depend on others as the sole source of the "positive strokes" we want to boost up our feelings of self-worth!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Freetime View Post
I'm a very outgoing funny human being but you'd not know it by looking at how I've lived. Time to change that it seems.
Yes, indeed!

.
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  #26  
Old 03-14-2011, 05:55 AM
Beodude123 Beodude123 is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Beodude, I think I'm developing a crush on you. Seriously, you come across as so likable and genuine, and very willing to look at and work on your issues that I feel honored to observe your process. So, I hope you keep writing - it uplifts others to read your story as much as it benefits you.

Bwhahahaha I know your type. You crush on all kinds of dudes. Doesn't make me feel special! :-p But, I'm glad that you draw inspiration from my process. It's been very difficult indeed. But with learning, comes growth, and that is what Jen and I have been doing.

There isn't much of me that I hide. I'm pretty open about everything, I've never been one to hide much. When Jen came out with the poly though, it has definitely forced me out of a shell. I was a rock in that place (before poly), an immovable object. I was the king of my world. Damnit if that's not the truth.

My realizations lately are kind of opposite to that, but the same as well. I'm still battling with wanting to take up Jens time, but starting to be able to let go. I'm also realizing that I can be my own person again, without Jen.. It's hard, but I'm getting there.

I just hope that maybe others can draw parallels as I have, and learn from what I have.
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  #27  
Old 03-14-2011, 06:04 AM
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Originally Posted by Beodude123 View Post
Bwhahahaha I know your type. You crush on all kinds of dudes. Doesn't make me feel special! :-p
Yes, all kinds -- I'm an equal opportunity crusher -- but not very many. So you really are special!

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  #28  
Old 03-14-2011, 06:08 AM
Beodude123 Beodude123 is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Yes, all kinds -- I'm an equal opportunity crusher -- but not very many. So you really are special!


There are a lot of special people here, but I don't think many are quite my caliber. Most are actually special. Me, I'm just special. Like, wearing a white helmet while riding the shot bus to school, licking the windows, and telling everybody how much I love the taste of two stroke premixed into my RX-8 in the morning...

All that aside, I want to go drive my car tomorrow.
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  #29  
Old 03-14-2011, 06:17 AM
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FlameKat FlameKat is offline
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Originally Posted by Beodude123 View Post
There are a lot of special people here, but I don't think many are quite my caliber. Most are actually special. Me, I'm just special. Like, wearing a white helmet while riding the shot bus to school, licking the windows, and telling everybody how much I love the taste of two stroke premixed into my RX-8 in the morning...

All that aside, I want to go drive my car tomorrow.
LOL - new-found awesomeness I have been following your posts too... I very much admire the process you are undertaking.. It is inspiring to read along as you go
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  #30  
Old 03-14-2011, 08:28 AM
Freetime Freetime is offline
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Wow....you folks ask tough questions. I'm glad you do though as it makes me go and look at myself and what I believe in a completely different way and at a much greater depth then I would have otherwise. So thank you.

After considering much of what has been offered up here I've come to the following painful conclusions.

1) I'm afraid of my wife falling for another man and leaving me.

2) I have trust issues when she assures me otherwise.

3) I'm trying to control that which is beyond my purview.

Ok let's start with Number 1.

This has more to do with my own self image issues that I've described earlier. But it also has a basis in what I know about my wife, she wouldn't have a sexual ongoing relationship with someone whom she doesn't care for/love. Not her way. Yes she loves me but even knowing this, the fear remains.

2) My past haunts me still it seems.

3) Letting go and trusting in the process is both my answer and my dilemma.I get it as the doorway to acceptance, but have no idea how to get there.

You folks have been like a room full of yoddas, only taller and with more hair...I hope. I decided that when I started posting here I'd do what you suggested as I didn't seem to be at all friendly with the truth and what was actually happening in my own marriage, and it hasn't been easy. Dealing with so many emotions and off base beliefs in such a short period of time has been painful, very painful. But it has also been a mechanism to reawaken both my marriage and my life. it's just a start right now, but I've felt more alive in the last 4-5 days then I have in years. I am both grateful to you for your help and saddened it took so long for me to start growing up. It's somewhat embarrassing to be so wrong about my initial perceptions ( see first post) but spiritually uplifting to know I may make it through this a much better human being for doing so.

NYcindie thanks for the encouragement!

Beodude123 Talking truthfully and openly has indeed made a huge difference. I'm still feeling somewhat out of my depth discussing it, but it beats living a lie, ya know?

Redpepper, Quote: It's amazing what poly brings up. I have found that it definitely means that processing my stuff happens faster and is far more a priority than at times I have been in mono relationships. Everything I do and say affects people in my tribe, so therefore I must make sure I am on top of my stuff all the time. There is no hiding it and no getting away from facing up to situations and who I am. It has made me very real, very vulnerable, and trusting, yet the love I have experienced and been privileged to give; immense. End quote

Getting to the core of my concerns and to the truth of what is actually happening here are taking place much faster then I expected. Being real and vulnerable aren't my strong suits...but I'm trying. I hope to experience what you have one day. My wife and I have a strong soul bond, but I had come to doubt myself and it, a doubt based on nothing more then baseless fear and childish mistrust.

I'm going back to my M.A classes next week and am looking at courses at our local University to exercise my brain. I need to take it (my brain) out for a walk, a talk and perhaps a bath. it's been laying around in the dark eating bad thoughts and deep fried fear for far to long.

As for meeting the other guy? That's happening this Wednesday. wish me well. Any advice on the meeting will be appreciated. I promised my wife I'd not talk about guns, martial arts or club affiliations so I may need some help in the conversation planning I think.

Ray:No kidding! The system I'm currently working with is called Kuk sool. deceptively simple but awesomely practical. great for a guy with back issues.

Grounded spirit: Thanks for the book reference. ordered it tonight.

ImaginaryIllusion: You ask some tough Questions ya know? I have had to re examine just about everything i thought I knew about me, my wife and our relationship and do so with ruthless abandon. Painful? oh yes indeed, also Insightful and quietly inspirational.

By the way I have no idea what this means: but if you're worried about you the classic wife 'opposite day' thing I'm slow.... use small words.

And thanks for the insight and encouragement.

Carma: Thanks for the welcome and the shared experience. lot of info for me to process.

And Vodkafan I'm still working my way through your journey here. I'm sorta curious what i may be posting 8 months from now.

Goodnight folks, you make my head hurt... but in a good way. I think.
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