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  #161  
Old 02-27-2011, 04:41 AM
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Default Panic and Insecurity

The panic and my insecurities are really getting to me. It was on 1/31/11 when I found out that he was cheating on me and I keep going from OK for a few days and then back to a blinding panic that fills my stomach with knots and makes me incapable of anything other than the barest of going through the motions of life.

I REALLY hope this gets better with time.

I worry about what kind of a mother I am being to our kids. We have a 12 and a 2-yr-old and I just canít do much more than the basic mommy stuff with them right now. My head is not anywhere at times but on this issue.

For now, my husband and I have agreed that we are just working on US Ė individually and as a couple. We have also agreed to be completely honest. Most of the time this last part is what really scares me. I am still reeling from him lying to me for about 7 months. To my face. I asked him specifically a few different times if there was something romantic going on between him and A. and he always said no.

Now that I understand poly (a little) better I can definitely see how my asking him to be completely platonic with her was unrealistic. I am definitely still mad at him for telling me that he was ok with that though, and then never telling me that he was no longer ok with itÖ

But truly, the issue the last couple of nights is that I canít let my mind just rest. I am constantly thinking. Having doubts that he loves me, that he wants me, that I am able to fulfill him as his primary, that I didnít do something, or NOT do something and that is why he lied and cheated.
It hurts SO MUCH sometimes when I think about him and her together (because it was all behind my back). I want to beat the crap out of her (and him) in those moments.

But, I also hear my heart telling me that he does love me and that in a way he did the lying and cheating to protect me. I also hear HIM literally telling me this.

He is asleep right now and I am trying to have the strength inside myself not to go in there and wake him up to ask him to reassure me again. Just the day before yesterday I woke him up from a sound sleep because I was completely unglued. I see a counselor on Monday and I am hoping that this may help me with the constant buzzing in my head.
This is definitely not easy.
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  #162  
Old 02-27-2011, 11:58 AM
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Hi
I'm glad you're seeing a counselor
We've communicated quite a bit so I'm not going over it all again here. I just wanted to share something that a Buddhist Nun said in an interview.
"Attachment is the opposite of love. When we are attached to someone we want them to make us happy. When we love someone we want to make them happy."

I know that's simplistic. I'm sure you do want your husband to be happy and much of what is happening for you at the moment is emotional turmoil which you have little control over. Still if you can keep that thought in the back of your mind it might help pull you through the hard times.

Hugs

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  #163  
Old 03-13-2011, 09:24 AM
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AAAAArgh, feeling very frustrated, I'm feeling jealous again and I haven't felt jealous in years. Z spent 3 days with J over last weekend. Part of that time I was away at a wedding.

So what am I jealous of? The quality of his energy. Does this sound crazy? Z thinks it is. It's like he becomes the very best of himself when he's with her. He hasn't had this much time with her for quite a while and so for me the difference in him was/is quite discernible. Sure he doesn't see her that often so he is going to be swinging on cloud 9, I get that. What I've really struggled with this week is that I get the "come down" period. It's like she swoops in drains his energy and I get the remnants and have to work to put things back together between us. Not a happy camper.
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  #164  
Old 03-13-2011, 10:08 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sage View Post
What I've really struggled with this week is that I get the "come down" period. It's like she swoops in drains his energy and I get the remnants and have to work to put things back together between us. Not a happy camper.
It makes perfect sense to me that you feel that way. He might think your reaction is crazy, but perhaps he could make an effort to give you some extra special attention right after coming back from being with her. After an adjustment period, if he needs it. Why should you do all the work to reconnect when he's the one that was focused elsewhere? I would think that is his "job" (so to speak). That's just my take on it.
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  #165  
Old 03-13-2011, 11:35 AM
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Thanks NYCindie and yes in a perfect world that is how it would be but the reality is a little different. He's feeling "flat", probably because he knows he won't see her again for some time. He has quite a bit on his plate at the moment (normal real life stuff), that he could forget about while she was here. And he did put a huge amount of energy into their time together.

Love might not be diminished by more than one relationship but energy can be and energy is the part of love that we actually feel. He hasn't got any energy left to be his normal self let alone any extra to make me feel special. That's why I think I'm feeling so anti.
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  #166  
Old 03-14-2011, 12:43 AM
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Sage, I so know you feel and you aren't crazy at all. It's hard when your love is spending all their enengy elsewhere and you've got no outlet for yours. It's disappointing and can hurt when you do get to be together and you want to focus on them but they're drained from their other activities.

I know it's probably not helpful to hear right now but it will pass and things will normalize again. I second the idea of getting some extra attention or some special pampering when he gets a chance.
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  #167  
Old 03-14-2011, 05:40 AM
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I'm reading a book (Polyamory by Anthony Ravenscroft). Something he addresses in it, is how easy it is to "set aside" the primary relationship when a time is availble for the second relationship and yet
HOW IMPORTANT IT IS to set aside TIME for romancing the primary relationship no matter what.

He talks about how we get into "living life" and forget the MAINTENANCE part of maintaining our "dependable", "tried and true", long term relationship...

He suggested that creating a "date night" once a week or every other week that is "never broken" but is always DIFFERENT and romantic and "special" for those "older", "already past the NRE stage", "day in day out", living together relationships.

I think it's a good point. We "excuse" each other in live-in relationships for being unavailable because work or health issues.
But, when those issues are slowing down OR when there's a sudden opportunity to see our "new", "long distance", "secondary" or "not live-in" lovers... we're scheduling time for romance like flies on shit.

As well we should be, BUT we should be doing this for ALL of our relationships, not just the one whom we see the least often.

My gut reaction is that THIS is what's triggering the jealousy. It's not that he spent time with her and it was "awesome" or "amazing". It's that you need some "awesome" or "amazing" time with him and you aren't getting it.
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  #168  
Old 03-14-2011, 05:40 AM
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Ok, just in case that came off cocky-which it was totally not intended to be...

I think that, because I'm feeling it too.

Hugs.
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  #169  
Old 03-14-2011, 05:42 AM
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Sage, I feel for you. I used to come home from weekends with Mono like that. Doesn't happen now we all live together, but I remember PN talking about the same thing. I didn't want to be touched, was testy, needed space and time alone and he and LB would be clammering for my attention and love. I struggled to give it too them until we decided that it would be better if I had time to come down and transition from one life to another...

It was about the transition. Kids usually have this when they are picked up from school and are grumpy until they get home and get into home stuff. It's the same with adults. For adults its that feeling we get when we have been on a vacation and now it's monday morning and we are back to work (might help to look at it that way).

Is there a way that he can have some transition time afterwards where you could be patient with him, loving and caring and do stuff for him until the feeling passes? I know that is hard, but is it possible to realize he isn't "home" yet some how and think of him as still gone away? Maybe noticing a time that it ends so that you can agree that for the first two hours, or whatever, of being at home he can do whatever he needs to do to adjust back and be on his game again.

For PN, LB and I we made it so that they would limit talking to me for the first hour. I would wander around the house in a daze and in some grief that my "holiday" was over and then slowly notice in my body that I would come out of it in that time. I would look at things with that wierd feeling of having been away, look at them with the wierd feeling and just wait, not force it, but just take it in and walk through it... it got to the point where we would actually laugh about it... PN made comments that I was still at Mono's house (my OH we called it, other home) and I began to see it differently in terms of knowing that I would see Mono soon, spend time with him soon and now was my time to love being with my family... I eventually was back at loving what I love about my family and could carry on being a fully functioning member again in no time.

Still suck at transitions at the best of times though, but that whole phase of our dyanmic really taught me about myself and what I need to get through it more comfortably for everyone. It was then that I actually pointed out that I have struggles with transitions in general... I am grateful to of learned that, because I have been able to work on that within myself since.
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  #170  
Old 03-14-2011, 06:50 AM
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Thanks guys for your very sweet kindness. You're all right and next time it happens I think we will make a plan in advance to deal with it.

Sometimes I get so tired of always being the one to organize this kind of thing though. In my experience men just don't seem to "get it" in the same way. Can you believe I did suggest a date night afterwards for us to reconnect (I didn't call it that I have to admit). He suggested we invite J's sister to come along with us!

That probably sounds much worse than it really was and she respectfully declined the invitation, but really, some times I just shake my head in disbelief.

Even though he didn't agree with my "theory" as he called it (which was exactly the same as your theory LR), I think he has taken it on board because he is now back to his normal loving (and generally romantic self). But a few hours RP? This has taken him nearly a week!
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