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  #41  
Old 03-11-2011, 08:10 PM
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Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
You can find this detailed on other posts here a lot. Sorry I can't quickly come with a link or reference. Look at stuff Ari has posted - he's outlined it very well.....
There are actually 4 relationships in a triad.
you can do a tag search for "unicorns" and find chat of this on any number of threads. I have mentioned it recently and at least half a dozen times before. I can't remember Ari talking about it but maybe I'm wrong.
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  #42  
Old 03-11-2011, 08:26 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
You can find this detailed on other posts here a lot. Sorry I can't quickly come with a link or reference. Look at stuff Ari has posted - he's outlined it very well.....
There are actually 4 relationships in a triad.

GS
There are 4 distinct relationships within a triad and even a V.

Person A and Person B
Person B and Person C
Person A and Person C
Person A,B and C

All have their own interactions and relationships to worry about and work on. This becomes infinitely more complex once you start adding more partners.

Quote:
you can do a tag search for "unicorns" and find chat of this on any number of threads. I have mentioned it recently and at least half a dozen times before. I can't remember Ari talking about it but maybe I'm wrong.
I have my moments haha
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  #43  
Old 03-11-2011, 08:39 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
There are 4 distinct relationships within a triad and even a V.

Person A and Person B
Person B and Person C
Person A and Person C
Person A,B and C

All have their own interactions and relationships to worry about and work on. This becomes infinitely more complex once you start adding more partners.
I can readily believe the "infinitely more complex." Frankly, just a monogamous married relationship has fully satisfied my need for complexity for the last 20 years, and the thought of managing a 50% increase in the number of people involved is truly daunting. Not quite daunting enough to not give it a shot, though.

My wife and I were talking last night about all the obstacles we're NOT facing, and that's certainly something to be thankful for. We don't have kids, we don't have family that's going to disapprove (although our potential partner does), our circle of friends is pretty progressive and probably won't do more than raise a few eyebrows, we're not members of a church, we don't work for any organizations that are likely to want to fire us if they find out. So it could be a whole lot more daunting than it is. But still.
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  #44  
Old 03-13-2011, 06:29 PM
HappiestManAlive HappiestManAlive is offline
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Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit
For a new person coming in, you don't become a part of this whole web overnight. And maybe you simply shouldn't even desire to ! So I kind of scratch my head when I hear potential unicorns crying about how they can't get all this entanglement ! It's like duhhhhhhhhhh......you get the love, you get (double?) the affection, you may get part of the shelter and other life necessities often at little or no cost to you, you get your freedom to choose how much or how little you want and STILL you don't get what you want ??

Oooooooooooooo-k ! Whatever.
Ugh - this is us with Adrian. To a "T". Every time we give her something she has been trying to "get", she wants another inch, a mile, it's never enough, because complete equality is a measurable thing to her. It;s like she keeps score. She probably won't be around much longer - for her own good more than us "abandoning" her.

Man - too many posts to quote, so I won't bother.

We've managed to cover a lot of "unicorn" ground in the last almost 2 years. From Anne, the unicorn that "wandered into our camp and said hello" - and whom we broke up with not so nicely when she continually lied to us and her ex/not ex and just sort of generally played games, to Lana, the friend/roommate become girlfriend who took it slow with us and looks like will be with us forever, to Adrian, with whom we moved too fast because she fit so well - until we spent a lot of time with her, to playmates and interested other couples and FWB and girlfriends without benefits to unrequited attractions to - well, if it can be dreamed up, we've been there, sometimes more than one at a time.

So what's in it for the unicorn? Well, when things are good, a lot. Most of it has been covered in this thread already. But ask Lana - that mythical "in love with the couple" mindset is all she'll work with. Her connection to each of us is different, and her commitment to the two of us together is astonishing. She;s stuck out some frighteningly bad times with us and for us, walked through fire and worse. And she'll tell you - with us protesting in the background - that it's so much more than worth it that she doesn't consider it hard.

But ask Adrian, and she'll tell you being a Unicorn is HORRIBLE. You never get to be a real equal, the primary couple runs all over you roughshod and rudely.

Ask Anne - well, who cares what she thinks, she's a lying little bitch and needs to grow up, lol. (sorry - still true though)

Violet and Lana finally gave up on salvaging anything with Adrian, but allowed she & I to pursue something separately - a V from the triad, lol. It could have worked very well, and we might consider such an arrangement in the future - but a lot more carefully for sure. Adrian tried dating other guys, but aside from a hookup here & there, couldn't find anyone she connected with as well as with me according to her. But then she complains that it's not fir that I have multiple lovers and she only has me. Grrr... Anyway, i digress...

Unicorn "hunting" is a bad idea beyond a sex partner. You'll get all excited when you find one, and you'll WANT them to fit, and it'll go horribly wrong.

What the new guy has is the best way to go - you stumble on this awesome person and you both like them (her, but it could be a guy too!), and suddenly, it's - "Well - why CAN'T we have another partner in our life? Where is THAT carved in stone?" If you proceed cautiously from there and it seems to be working - GO FOR IT!

Communicate until you're sick of it, then keep doing it anyway. You'll get so sick of relationship talks that you'll want to strangle each other. Don't strangle each other, do keep talking.

You know that thing where you're discovering new things about each other and your relationship via this new dynamic? It'll keep happening. And it won't all be pretty. Sometimes, it'll suck BAD. You will discover things about yourselves and your relationship that wouldn't have ever been discovered without her - wouldn't have NEEDED to be discovered if not FOR her - and you won't like a lot of them.

It's worth it though.

Mostly.

Last edited by HappiestManAlive; 03-13-2011 at 06:31 PM.
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  #45  
Old 03-14-2011, 05:21 AM
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Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
There are 4 distinct relationships within a triad and even a V.

Person A and Person B
Person B and Person C
Person A and Person C
Person A,B and C
Ah yes, that got it.
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  #46  
Old 03-15-2011, 02:36 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Originally Posted by Carma View Post
I kinda like "other wife/other husband," because others are not quite sure if you are joking, you know?!
I guess in a triad (or vee) that would work, but if you have more than two partners of the same gender it can become a problem. I mean, would you say "this is my wife, and my other wife, and my other, other wife"?
I think I would just say "this is X and Y, my husbands", if I see both of them as husbands, that is. And then when talking about them, I could say "my first/second/third husband", etc, I guess. Chronologically, that is, it's not about any hierarchy here.
Although I'm getting divorced so I guess that would be confusing too, my first husband won't be my husband for much longer, yet he'll still be my first husband...

Anyway, I find that I have 3 brothers, and no problem differentiating between them. I just use first names, and if someone can't place them I add a few details. I don't see why it should be different for partners, even if you use the same word. If you have a similar relationship with them, I don't see why you couldn't use the same term as well.

Honestly, I wouldn't like being the "other" anything. I don't know why. I guess there are too many negative connotations to being "the other woman". I'd be fine being the girlfriend or the wife, whether the other partner is herself the girlfriend, the wife, the boyfriend, the husband or anything else. I'd be fine with having a number attached to it if it's purely chronological. But I really wouldn't like being the "other" something. Not on a regular basis, that is. If either of us is the "other one" depending on the context, then that's fine.
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  #47  
Old 03-15-2011, 02:41 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I introduce by name... then add details as appropriate.

Generally refer to Maca as my husband (cause we're married) and GG as my boyfriend, because it seems to fit...

shrug.

Most of the time I just introduce them as "this is Maca" and "this is GG".
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  #48  
Old 03-15-2011, 03:40 AM
HappiestManAlive HappiestManAlive is offline
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This is my Fiance, Violet, an this is OUR girlfriend, Lana, and this is MY girlfriend, Adrian. Emphasis added I type, not so much verbally, lol. Other times they're fiance, gf#1 and gf#2 (always chronologically).

Of course, Adrian chaffes at this; she thinks they should all have the same title, and if they're all girlfriends, she chaffes at being gf#2 or gf#3 (depending on whether or not Violet is referred to as girlfriend) because it makes her soud lesser than them, even though it's chroological - then she says SHE should be #2 because she was sexual before Lana was, even if Lana was technically our girlfriend first...
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  #49  
Old 03-19-2011, 05:09 PM
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I'd love to be introduced as the Beta gf, as in this is my Alpha, and here's my Beta. I am at my most comfortable, at least right now, being the pack beta female .

Seriously, though, sometimes I do wonder whether to talk of my bf and his gf and his sub, or his second gf, and whether this would make me the third or second gf? And is he even, like my bf, as are we even dating? And if the situation with the second is still sort of being negotiated out?

Hey, I love married men. I can just be the mistress.
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  #50  
Old 03-19-2011, 08:44 PM
HappiestManAlive HappiestManAlive is offline
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Ugh - the submissive thing. This is a HUGE issue in our house right now. Violet wants BDSM to be a lifestyle, not a once in a while thing. Lana wants to be collared with her. They both crave that structure.

Adrian was abused by a BF/Dom in the past, and other than a little bedroom play has ZERO interest in ever living that lifestyle again, be it as Dom or sub.

The other two refuse to live in a TPE or near TPE situation (which they desperately want) with her still living in the house, especially if she is not suject to their same house rules. And naturally, Adrian isn't going to subject herself to those rules, especially since Violet and Lana wrote them.

*sigh*
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