How to be Friends with an Ex

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by ray

I can't train without him there. I can't socialize much with our mutual training friends without him. I can't go to knitting group without his wife being there. I can't go to any social events his friends have without them being there. I'm torn between a need for space and a desire to live life as I please. He's expressed no sympathy . . . None of our friends knew that we were together because he wanted it to be a secret so they all just think I'm depressed for no good reason. When I tried to go to an event it was painful watching him be fine, laughing, joking while I could barely muster up a smile or a conversation.

It is a bit cruel of him not to acknowledge your pain. A breakup usually hurts, especially if it's sudden and not arrived at mutually. It is also unfortunate that he didn't want any of your friends to know about your relationship, especially since you are part of their world. Did you think this was wise? Did that make you feel like a secret affair or was it really poly?

As I've said before, hold your head high - you didn't do anything wrong. You don't have to slink around afraid to run into him or his wife. He's the one who pursued you, asked for you to remain a secret, and then broke it off. Success is the best revenge - what I mean by that is that you will only prop up his ego if you hide out and are a mess around him. "Fake it til you make it" might apply here. Be as confident and self-assured as you possibly can be when you're around him and his wife. Let yourself fall apart around those you can trust. If I were you, I'd take some of your most trusted friends into my confidence and let them know about the whole thing. I would think that now, since you have broken up, you don't owe him anything and are free now to tell anyone you please, provided you feel it is safe to do so. You need the support, and you could gain even closer friendships with the people you both know by letting them in and knowing a bit more about you. They might have always thought of you as a bit guarded, since you were hiding something. Think of this as a wonderful opportunity to develop more friendships. Screw him!!!