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  #31  
Old 03-09-2011, 12:14 PM
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Originally Posted by newtopoly2011 View Post
I was told just 5 days ago that my wife of 14 years is bi-sexual.

In my heart I see her desire to experience the love from another woman and it makes me glow.

I hope beyond all hope that there is a woman out there that can love us!
Or a man. Just sayin'. If you are opening your relationship to poly dynamics, one thing that you need to eventually come to terms with is the possibility that she will find another MAN she wants to explore her feelings with. Or that you might find another woman she is not interested in.
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  #32  
Old 03-09-2011, 01:50 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Originally Posted by PolyNewbie View Post
Lots of good stuff to think about in this thread. ...........
We're all kind of terrified, and we have no idea what the hell we've gotten ourselves into here, but we've decided to take some time to explore whether it could work. So the floor is open: what should we, the long-term married ones, do to improve the chances?
Hi Newbie,

Valid question(s)

A certain amount of common sense will illuminate certain obvious things.
Number one is that by dropping all labels (poly, primary, secondary, unicorn etc) you remember that this third person is exactly that - a 'person'. Human, caring, loving, unique person. In many ways we all want the same thing. To be respected. To feel valued. Maybe to be 'loved' (whatever that is). To be desired (for those qualities/reasons).
None of this is unique to poly (multiple) relationships. So it can get distorted when people try to paint the critical parts of a relationship with a different brush when the basics really havent changed but only the count. All confused.
If we focus on the fundementals we stand a much better chance of bypassing all this confusion.
Are we doing this ?

The whole dynamic of a triad, quad etc etc has often been given a different paint job, complete with all it's own labels, new rules & guidelines etc and it seems in a majority of cases it comes to over-shadow the basics and of course those now get lost. And when you lose those basics of human interaction things start to break down. But it's not because of the increased number or new labels !

So how to avoid this ?
Keep focused on the basics ! Let the group dynamic follow THAT lead ! Healthy seeds generally grow healthy plants but seldom the reverse.

I think a second thing that often complicates and poisons many poly relationships is this utopian concept of "equality". Especially in the west, there seems to be a certain indoctrination that leads people to believe that "equality" is this wonderful, desirable thing and that lacking it shows some failing. Well.......guess what. (In my opinion/experience) There IS NO 'equality' in life ! But there are things such as 'good', 'sufficient', 'healthy', 'balance'.
This seems to be an important sticking point in early stages of poly relationships. Especially when adding someone(s) to a previously existing relationship. Even if it's only a few hours old ! The 'existing' relationship is there. It has at least some history. It's established at least some patterns. It's held together by certain components.
Any addition to this, has by nature, got to start from scratch. I think we all understand this - just choose to ignore it sometimes. We don't want to wait. We want everything to just go POP and be there as if it had always existed that way.
Well.....that ain't happening......

So the most promising approach seems to consist of a few fundemental steps.
Be aware.
Be kind.
Be compassionate.
Be PATIENT.
Be realistic.
And the overworn phrase......COMMUNICATE !

It's a learning (and UNlearning) experience. Mistakes are going to be made.
Some people like to frame discussion like this in terms of "needs" but I'm not one who likes the implications of what comes with that term. So I avoid it. But there are certain things that have shown themselves to be 'healthy', 'solid', 'desirable' and yes, 'fundemental'. If we keep those things in the forefront it seems things tend to flow smoother and have higher success rates. Target those.

My thoughts only......

GS
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  #33  
Old 03-10-2011, 12:32 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
Or a man. Just sayin'. If you are opening your relationship to poly dynamics, one thing that you need to eventually come to terms with is the possibility that she will find another MAN she wants to explore her feelings with. Or that you might find another woman she is not interested in.
Good point.

Our.. first rung was my wife wanting to be with other women. We didn't..and it wasn't.. poly at the time. We just enjoyed the fun sex of girl on girl...

As time went on it all progressed into much much more. We remained open to the opportunities that being open allowed us and then being poly allowed us.

Being open minded put me in a position today that is...amazing
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  #34  
Old 03-10-2011, 12:45 AM
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Being open minded put me in a position today that is...amazing
Oooh, I'm all for amazing positions! <wink>
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  #35  
Old 03-10-2011, 04:07 PM
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Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
It's a learning (and UNlearning) experience. Mistakes are going to be made.
GS
That's probably the best piece of advice so far. Thanks for pointing that out. We're all brand-new to this; none of us has ever been in a relationship before that involved more than two people. So with the best will in the world, somebody is probably going to do something that makes someone else feel bad. So we need to establish a base understanding that we really all do want this to work and try to treat the mistakes as learning opportunities.

The other good piece of advice, I thought, is for us, the long-term married couple, to not look at this as an us-and-her relationship, but rather two independent one-to-one relationships in addition to the one we already have. I can see where that might take some mental discipline sometimes, but it's a very valid point and worth keeping in mind.

It's a grand adventure, that's for sure. Like I said before, neither my wife nor I was looking for this. If you'd asked us, say, a year ago whether we wanted a long-term, committed triad relationship with another woman, we'd have laughed and said no, that's not really the sort of thing we'd be interested in. We're still not interested in it as a general proposition; just with this one particular person.

Here's a sort of silly question, but it's going to come up at some point: what do I call her? As in "this is my wife, B, and my _______, T." (Not their real initials.) I mean, my wife is still going to be my wife; that's not going to stop, we made a promise about that 20-odd years ago. Partner? Girlfriend? Polyamorous secondary? (Just kidding about that last one. The whole primary/secondary thing feels wrong here.) Perhaps I should fall back on "ummer," as in "this is my, umm, errr . . ."
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  #36  
Old 03-10-2011, 07:54 PM
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You would eventually have to ask her what she wants to be called.
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  #37  
Old 03-11-2011, 05:08 AM
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call her what ever name comes up; sweetie, other significant other (OSO), lover, girlfriend, other wife (OW), partner... these are to name a few.
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  #38  
Old 03-11-2011, 05:12 AM
newtopoly2011 newtopoly2011 is offline
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Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
You would eventually have to ask her what she wants to be called.
That leads me to the question...what do other members say in that situation?
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  #39  
Old 03-11-2011, 04:35 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Originally Posted by PolyNewbie View Post
...............
The other good piece of advice, I thought, is for us, the long-term married couple, to not look at this as an us-and-her relationship, but rather two independent one-to-one relationships in addition to the one we already have. I can see where that might take some mental discipline sometimes, but it's a very valid point and worth keeping in mind.
You can find this detailed on other posts here a lot. Sorry I can't quickly come with a link or reference. Look at stuff Ari has posted - he's outlined it very well.....
There are actually 4 relationships in a triad.


Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyNewbie View Post
Here's a sort of silly question, but it's going to come up at some point: what do I call her? As in "this is my wife, B, and my _______, T." (Not their real initials.) I mean, my wife is still going to be my wife; that's not going to stop, we made a promise about that 20-odd years ago. Partner? Girlfriend? Polyamorous secondary? (Just kidding about that last one. The whole primary/secondary thing feels wrong here.) Perhaps I should fall back on "ummer," as in "this is my, umm, errr . . ."
If you think this through you'll probably realize that this will vary. Vary depending on the audience and vary depending on the evolution of the relationship at first.

So although as someone mentioned, she will likely have her own preference when you are navigating in a strictly poly circle, in the 'vanilla' world what term you use will be adjusted to fit the audience. Anything from friend, relative (12th cousin), SPECIAL friend......etc

But it will likely also vary as the relationship grows and evolves. Grow from maybe friend, to FWB, to SO, to ASM (additional soul mate).......who knows ! Just hopefully it doesn't become "ex"


Good luck.

GS
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  #40  
Old 03-11-2011, 06:21 PM
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I kinda like "other wife/other husband," because others are not quite sure if you are joking, you know?! They can interpret it any way they like but it adds a sense of lightness, since, well, legally (in most parts of this country and others) there can be no such thing

I watched that show, "Sister Wives," and I tell you I sure saw lots of potential benefits to being in a polyamorous ("unicornian"?) relationship, for sure. While I personally don't believe in the polygamy model, especially with its strictly patriarchal bias, it did really help me in thinking creatively. My 14-year old daughter loved the show too, and kept asking me if we could get a sister wife!!!

I am not bi, but aside from the sexual aspect I would LOVE to have another woman around the house, as a friend and someone to learn from and grow with. My husband is not bi, but we entertained the idea of having another man in our life, in the same way. (That didn't work out, but that's another post altogether, ha!)

As for the "UNICORN" thread topic, if either of us were bi I guess the sexual part of the relationship would just be folded in. What would be the benefit to being/having a unicorn? MORE LOVE. I can't think of anything more obvious! Maybe not simple, but it seems it would be definitely worth a try!

Also, I believe that in the pursuit of love and happiness, the main focus cannot be avoiding pain! You either let love rule your life, or fear. Mistakes in love are not necessarily a bad thing. All love is worth it, along the way, no matter how long it lasts or how it ends up. I don't regret any of the love I've had in my life, do you??
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