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  #101  
Old 03-10-2011, 08:45 PM
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For the most part it is easier with men. I think that might be partly because most men will give you honest feedback in a conversation. I tend to know where I stand with them...not always but most of the time.

3 more hours until I get to start heading home. It's been an emotional week being here. PN's dad is dying in the hospital and I'm in another city not able to offer much of anything to PN and RP. Because I'm a caretaker I want to be able to do something, to make things more comfortable.

I've also been talking to some friends, one of whom has a child who is being bullied at school and another one going through some nastyness following a break up of a relationship. More situations that I can't do anything about other than just to listen.

This weekend there's a women's retreat that has been planned that I'm supposed to be going on. I still haven't decided one way or the other if I'm going to go. I need to make a desision by this evening. On one hand I want to be nearby so that I can be there for RP but on the other hand I'm going to be in the way if I do stay at home since my husband has plans with his girlfriend this weekend and it's not fair that my change of plans impacts them. I don't think that if I do go away I'll be able to relax and enjoy the weekend. I have a few more hours to decide and I'll wait until I've had a couple of conversations until I make a desision. I think at the very least I'll be taking my own car so I can get back here if I'm needed.
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  #102  
Old 03-10-2011, 09:57 PM
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I think your husband will understand why you aren't going, if that is what you choose to do. But taking your car and having the ability to leave whenver you need/want is also a good plan. I'm a caretaker as well, so for me I probably wouldnt go. I wouldnt be able to relax wondering if people needed me. But on the other hand it may be a good break/refresher before the tough stuff really hits.

I know that wasn't helpful at all. Sorry. One of the things I have been working on lately is my needs/wants. I take other into consideration, but if I needed to stay home to be close to an oso having a rough time, I'd explain to Karma that while I don't want to be in the way or intrude on his time, but this is something I need to do, and while I am sorry it changes plans (something I personaly hate so I can understand), it's what I feel I need to do and I hope he can respect that.

From whatI have heard you say of your husband, I'm pretty sure he'll be understanding.
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  #103  
Old 03-11-2011, 05:28 AM
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So I've decided to stay. I have a need to be here, even if I can't do much if I'm here I can do a little. Every time I thought of going away for the weekend I just ended up upset at the idea. I'm going to be happier here. No point in going away for a relaxing weekend if I can't relax. There will be other weekends after all.
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  #104  
Old 03-11-2011, 06:15 AM
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Its too bad you aren't going sweets. I'm sorry it didn't work out that I went. I know that there is nothing that either of us can do... it just is, but we were looking forward to it.

I don't need any help this weekend other than being able to talk... I know you would be there for me to do that regardless of where you are. You have been all week and I am so grateful.

My lovely metamour and your husband wrote to me and said that he would help out where he could. Have LB come over to play... whatever. I appreciated that very much. I think I will just hunker down with family and just be ready. It is kind of fortunate that I now have nothing going on...

Kisses sweets. we shall have another holiday sometime.
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  #105  
Old 03-18-2011, 06:59 PM
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For the most part it's been a fairly crappy week in my world. I'm taking things both at work and at home much more personally than I should. My internal dialogue is all out of whack and is telling me stories that aren't true (or at least wildly reinterpreting what I am being told).

I read something my husband had posted today and instantly went into the "I'm the bad guy" mode. I'm pretty sure that wasn't how it was intended but that's how it felt. I know that a lot of it is about stuff that has happened in the past and I like to think that I've grown but maybe I haven't and I am just petty and selfish and want things my way all the time.

My husband and his girlfriend have been together for a year now and I'm still not in the place of being friends with her. I would like to be but I'm not sure that she's all that interested in being friends (at the very least she doesn't extend the invitation to me). I'm not one to pursue a friendship with someone who doesn't seem all that interested but at the same time she's an important part of my husband's life and since he's an important part of my life by default I'm involved (at least on my end emotionally).

At the beginning of this journey I pictured everyone being friends and close. I'd like to have the same kind of friendship with her as I have with Mono and PN. I'm totally comfortable in their presence and everything is just easy. Things aren't so easy with my husband's girlfriend. I feel the vibe that she's a little frightened of me and the result of that is that I'm very uneasy around her. I don't like feeling that way. I keep being told that I shouldn't worry about it and that I don't have to be friends with her. I just wish I was. I'm friends with her primary partner as well and I just don't get why and how I can be friends with everyone around her but forging a friendship with her has been incredibly difficult.

I had a pretty terrible day at work on Wednesday and I haven't totally recovered from it. The littlest thing is setting me off. I'm glad it's the weekend. I might just go home and have a good cry (again, I had a short one yesterday too). My new job can't come soon enough. When work starts impacting how I feel about myself it's time to move on. I don't want to project how I'm feeling at the moment to the outside world, I don't want to be negative. This afternoon I'm going out to look for the positive.
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  #106  
Old 03-18-2011, 11:37 PM
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I find it interesting that you are so concerned about being friends with her... I hear you saying it, but I don't understand... I relate it to me in my dynamic in that I am not all that close with your husband. We talk when we see each other and I always know he is there if I need to talk to him or feel like talking to him, but we just hang really. I don't feel any "vibe" or any concern from him and I hope he doesn't from me either... because there isn't anything there but the acknowledgement that he is in your life...

I just wonder how much of this you have created. Maybe the "vibe" you are feeling is self created? Maybe she is just into hangin' also? Maybe she wishes you would just leave it be and is hiding from you so that you have no choice but to leave it alone? Maybe she is just content to know you are there and that he loves you and you share a life together and kids etc. and that you are important to him. That's it. You just don't have enough "click" to warrant anything more going on between you at this time. That could change or not... time will tell. I dunno, I think for me it's better to concentrate on who in my life does click than who doesn't and keep the door open for possibility.
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  #107  
Old 03-19-2011, 12:07 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I find it interesting that you are so concerned about being friends with her... I hear you saying it, but I don't understand... I relate it to me in my dynamic in that I am not all that close with your husband. We talk when we see each other and I always know he is there if I need to talk to him or feel like talking to him, but we just hang really. I don't feel any "vibe" or any concern from him and I hope he doesn't from me either... because there isn't anything there but the acknowledgement that he is in your life... .
I want to be liked. For the most part if someone doesn't really want to spend time with me because we have nothing in common it really doesn't phase me and I just move on. But I think this is one of these "supposed to" instances. Somehow it seems that if we're both in a relationship with the same person we're supposed to like each other. I hate the "supposed to" thing. I put a lot of value on letting things develop with people naturally and yet I feel this internal pressure to make something out of nothing in this case.

Quote:
I just wonder how much of this you have created. Maybe the "vibe" you are feeling is self created? Maybe she is just into hangin' also? Maybe she wishes you would just leave it be and is hiding from you so that you have no choice but to leave it alone? Maybe she is just content to know you are there and that he loves you and you share a life together and kids etc. and that you are important to him. That's it. You just don't have enough "click" to warrant anything more going on between you at this time. That could change or not... time will tell. I dunno, I think for me it's better to concentrate on who in my life does click than who doesn't and keep the door open for possibility.
I'd just like to know where I stand for sure. I have a really bad internal dialogue which tends to blow things out of proportion, especially when other things aren't going terribly well. I also have a way of imposing situations from my past onto current events. I can very quickly go back to the headspace of the 13 year old girl who didn't fit in.
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  #108  
Old 03-19-2011, 03:08 AM
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I know how you feel. It took me years to be comfortable with my husbands NSP/Best Friend (whatever her title is). It's now been nearly 10 years and I still do the "we should invite her and her family". At some point I just made a decission that while in my own home, I would treat her and her family as I would any other family member, so if I'm in my pajamas when they stop by, too bad. We have very few similar interests, but if there is something I know she would enjoy (girls night out at the fondue place), I will invite her. It's not that I don't like her, it's just that we don't really click. She will bend over backwards to help out and she dotes on my kids, so I always feel guilty because I don't see her as a bff.
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  #109  
Old 03-19-2011, 03:34 AM
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I don't know that she doesn't like you though. She seems to just have her own thing going on and you aren't on her radar right now. Besides, she doesn't owe you friendship just because she is dating your husband. Just as you don't owe her friendship. She is a metamour, not a friend. The two are not necessariy synonomous with each other I don't think.
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  #110  
Old 03-19-2011, 03:48 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I don't know that she doesn't like you though. She seems to just have her own thing going on and you aren't on her radar right now. Besides, she doesn't owe you friendship just because she is dating your husband. Just as you don't owe her friendship. She is a metamour, not a friend. The two are not necessariy synonomous with each other I don't think.
We didn't exactly get off on the right foot. I know that I wasn't the best me that I could be and I didn't make a great first (or second ect) impression. It is what it is now though. I'm probably just looking for outside validation.

validate me please!

All will look better after a good night's sleep. I'm fixating. Time to talk about something else I think. Coming soon to a blog near you...
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