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Old 03-10-2011, 04:20 PM
Freetime Freetime is offline
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Default I'm in over my head.

So here I am. 47, married 20 yrs and helping my wife find a boyfriend. Why? Well it's simple really. She wants one, and as I'm her Husband and friend not her owner, I'll do what I can. However I'm pretty certain this is it for our marriage, the old adage of "If you love something set it free" is entirely appropriate here, but free for her and for me are not the same thing.

My wife has found someone 34, who fits the bill and will be meeting with him tonight to possibly have sex and discuss having an ongoing relationship.

She's excited about him, describes him as Intelligent, sexy, interesting. She is in a near constant state of sexual arousal which I've enjoyed immensely but am also aware that she's not feeling this for me but for another man.

And that Ladies and Gentlemen is the rub. Her Emotional excitement, willingness to experiment and joyfulness is focused on and about someone other then me. I'm glad for her. Happy to see her like this but damn near close to tears that it is no longer me.

If I asked her to not go further, she would stop. I know this. But I do not want to be the guy who stopped her from living the life she wants to live, it would only end the marriage on a bad note anyway, so it's time.

I'm trying to find a way to accept this poly lifestyle but am Struggling as you can see. So many things she doesn't see and so many things I do.

Help and advice appreciated.
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Old 03-10-2011, 05:05 PM
Beodude123 Beodude123 is offline
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I feel for you man, I really do. I'm pretty much in the same boat as you. Talking helps a lot. Try and talk through why you are feeling the way you do. If you talk enough, you start getting down through the layers, and hopefully to the base reason.

I wish I had a good fix for you, but I'm still feeling a lot of the same things you are. A lot of what she is feeling is called New Relationship Energy (NRE). It's a hard stage to go through, because of the fact that it's somebody else that is making her happy. For Jen and I, it brought a very deep level of communication, and we have been very close since then.


Have you met the guy yet? I would suggest maybe meeting him first before they start a relationship. That way at least you will know who it is and everything.
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Old 03-10-2011, 05:07 PM
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And that Ladies and Gentlemen is the rub. Her Emotional excitement, willingness to experiment and joyfulness is focused on and about someone other then me. I'm glad for her. Happy to see her like this but damn near close to tears that it is no longer me.
When my VLTB (very long term boyfriend [almost 15 years]) and I had our first brush with polyamory, the result was opposite to what most folks would expect. He and I became closer. And I mean more intimate, more loving, more joyful... with one another. He had fallen in love with another guy, and I let him know that that was a Good Thing, and that I wasn't afraid of it at all. This was something I welcomed. That relationship was brief, as was my own first brush, but we learned and grew in it.

What I don't know is why this sort of magic isn't happening with you and your gal. Why isn't the crocus blooming in all of the spring hearts involved here? And the only way to begin to examine that question is to do so. So more of the story needs telling.

That being said, a lot of us mere humans get very excited about NOVELTY. We're perhaps wired for it -- I don't know. But I must admit to being the sort of guy who doesn't have the same drink each day and sit in the same chair in the same cafe.... I'd die of boredom! Give me a drink I've never had before, and if it's tasty, I'll light up. I'll get excited. Same goes for new kisses! I love them! I'm human.

Some people, though, do happily walk into the same cafe every morning and they are automatically brought their familiar, routine cappacino. They sit in the same chair and face the same direction and talk with the same people.... And they're HAPPY about it.

Myself? I need BOTH. I need routine, the comfort and security of the familiar..., all of that. My partner Kevin is ALWAYS there for (and usually--physically--with) me. It's not always terribly exciting, since there isn't a lot of novelty, but I love him. On the other hand, last time I had a pretty exciting time with yet another guy, that guy wasn't there for me.
He only seemed to be there, for a while. Long enough that I got more attached than was good for me. Kevin was there for me through those tears.

He was there.
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Old 03-10-2011, 07:34 PM
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Is she aware that you think your marriage is over? You might want to tell her that. I would be really up set if my husband kept that from me because I don't feel that way. I would want to know how to make him believe it isn't and then do those things. This is what I did when I met my boyfriend. My husband was very honest about how he felt and I did everyhting I could to make sure he knew I loved him. Its a two way thing, not one way. If you are determined she be happy, do you not think she would want that for you? Start setting up your boundaries with her, negotiate. She doesn't get to have it all her way. You are still married and if she really is poly, she loves you just as much as she always has. Don't set het up with your assumptions. Noit fair! Tell her and talk it all through.
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Old 03-10-2011, 08:39 PM
Freetime Freetime is offline
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Is she aware that you think your marriage is over? You might want to tell her that. I would be really up set if my husband kept that from me because I don't feel that way. I would want to know how to make him believe it isn't and then do those things. This is what I did when I met my boyfriend. My husband was very honest about how he felt and I did everyhting I could to make sure he knew I loved him. Its a two way thing, not one way. If you are determined she be happy, do you not think she would want that for you? Start setting up your boundaries with her, negotiate. She doesn't get to have it all her way. You are still married and if she really is poly, she loves you just as much as she always has. Don't set het up with your assumptions. Noit fair! Tell her and talk it all through.
Excellent points and fair questions. No, she does not. I've just come to that realization.

I have had time to look at this from a different perspective and believe this is happening because of a number of factors.

1) I'm not what she needs or wants in a partner for her to feel fulfilled, and that she is afraid to discuss her unhappiness about the current state of our relationship.

2) Distance and emotional dishonesty on my part kept me willfully ignorant of what was happening. Ok that's not true I could see and feel the spiritual distance but didn't know what to do to address it. I've lived a very small life in the last couple of years because of a Back injury, but mostly because of my uneasiness with how things stood between us. This has only made the low level dissatisfaction worse for her, for us.

3) To be truly "poly" both parties must agree to be in this, but that agreement must come without fear of loss or rejection if the other says no thank you. And that is where I am right now. I've agreed and gone along with it because I instinctively knew the real reason for this taking place.

4) We all want to be with someone who we can be proud of, someone we can talk about with our friends and family and say: Wow! look at what they did or have accomplished" and I have failed in that. Completely my fault. My lack of direction and living in fear of loss or failure have created this perfect storm moment. When we met I was a free spirit, afraid of nothing and willing to try just about anything, but over the years I have become.......lost and forgotten with little Idea of how to get that man back. My wife simply wants that feeling and opportunity again, as any of us would. so the least that I can do to try to end this on a high note for her. I hope her date tonight rocks her world, but I have no illusions as to the final outcome. Her "date" is what I used to be, only younger and still building an interesting life.

5) We hide the real reasons for this behind the story of "Try something new, Shared adventure, Naughty exciting" when what it really is, is a way of breaking up without having to address the true problem(s). My wife is a loving strongwilled person but she has just as much difficulty discussing or addressing issues that may hurt the other, or in this case me. her dissatisfaction has been evident for some time but neither of us has wanted to "dive in: and deal, Ya know?

I'm still open.......a wee bit, that this may be a good thing for both of us but until the other stuff is sorted out this haze of uncertainty and fear remain.

I appreciate your candor and willingness to help out. Your Questions and opinions give me alot to think about and look at. if you think I'm off course here by all means let me know.

Last edited by Freetime; 03-10-2011 at 08:44 PM.
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Old 03-10-2011, 08:46 PM
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Freetime,

While it MAY be true that time for parting is near, I think you'd be doing yourself and her a disservice if you both didn't take some significant risks in exposing yourselves to one another in talking about all the stuff you've not been talking about. You may find that there is much more love between you than either of you realize. Find out!
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Old 03-10-2011, 08:56 PM
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Originally Posted by Freetime View Post
My wife has found someone 34, who fits the bill and will be meeting with him tonight to possibly have sex and discuss having an ongoing relationship.
Um, why "possibly have sex?" Why not just have coffee together first? If you think this will hurt your marriage so much, why move so fast? Do you want to explore polyamory or swinging? If it's polyamory, you can slow down a little. She doesn't need to jump right into balling a strange guy!



Freetime, I suggest you look for posts and threads by a member here called Vodkafan. He is monogamous and his wife is polyamorous and has another male partner. You will see how they have made poly really work for them very well. In the "Struggling Mono" thread Vodkafan said, "The fact is that I did this because my wife is worth sharing. I would not do it for anyone else."
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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Old 03-10-2011, 09:18 PM
Freetime Freetime is offline
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Um, why "possibly have sex?" Why not just have coffee together first? If you think this will hurt your marriage so much, why move so fast? Do you want to explore polyamory or swinging? If it's polyamory, you can slow down a little. She doesn't need to jump right into balling a strange guy!



Freetime, I suggest you look for posts and threads by a member here called Vodkafan. He is monogamous and his wife is polyamorous and has another male partner. You will see how they have made poly really work for them very well. In the "Struggling Mono" thread Vodkafan said, "The fact is that I did this because my wife is worth sharing. I would not do it for anyone else."

Funny you should mention the swinging thing. When this first got started it was around the fantasy of a 3some, try something new and adventurous.However, it soon came about that my wife had a different idea, that idea being a long term relationship with another man. Wee bit of a difference there I'd say. And as to why have sex? Well that's not a for sure thing, but if the opportunity is there, hey why not? Once again I'm the husband not the owner. her choices are hers.

I will indeed read Vodkafans thread/post. I absolutely agree with him, my wife is worth it. I just don't like it.

Question do I bring up my feelings before or after her date? If I do so beforehand it seems like I'm trying to control her/ stop here from doing what she wants. Truthfully I'm so emotionally challenged right now i have no idea what to do.
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Old 03-10-2011, 09:35 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Before!

Look, it's obvious you're a nice guy and trying to be as giving as possible. But there's a guideline in poly to go as slowly as the person who is most uncomfortable needs. It's not a rule, but you'll see lots of reference to it in these threads. It's not about controlling her, it's about mutual respect. She can slow it down as a way to respect your discomfort. Some people need to just be okay with their spouse just holding hands with someone else first. That guy's (or another's) penis will still be there when the two of you have gotten more comfortable with the whole idea. Why put up with something that has you so upset and then wait til afterward to tell her?

You said in your first post in this thread that you are happy to see her happy but that "damn near close to tears that it is no longer me." The fact that you think it is either another man or you that would make her happy, and not having two people who could potentially make her happy equally, tells me you have some issues to resolve before diving in. Poly makes it possible to love and be satisfied with more than one person, not choosing one at the expense of the other!

Unless you two are just after sex and swinging with no emotions involved, slow down! There's nothing wrong with casual sex in my opinion, but it doesn't seem like you're ready for inviting that as an element in your marriage yet. Polyamory requires thought and respectfulness for all involved, not just deferring or submitting to one person's will in the relationship. You're not her owner, but you are her partner!

Why not invite her here to post as well? Would be good to get both sides here.
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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Old 03-10-2011, 10:48 PM
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What she (nycindie) said.

Good words.
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