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  #11  
Old 03-10-2011, 03:02 AM
bluevictoria bluevictoria is offline
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I appreciate the comments and suggestions, Here are some of the details of my situation.

I'm a 51 yo woman, never married. I had been celibate for over 8 years due to chronic pain issues that made me a little crazy. I started getting some pain relief from a new treatment at the same time that my hormones started going crazy from perimenopause. My libido came back with a vengence. I would be so horny that it was painful.

I live in a rural area where most of the people are very sports oriented. I've gained weight (about 50 lbs) from inactivity due to my knee and back. Men did not see me....I was an invisible woman. So I turned to the internet to find a sex partner last year. I was not looking for a relationship...I was looking for a "fuck-buddy". I had no luck with my initial ad because the men would take one look at my statistics or photo and not be interested. For what it's worth, I'm still a beautiful woman even with the extra weight. Men looking for sex want young and thin partners here. And the few that didn't mind my age or weight wanted someone with no body hair anywhere. Somehow, while I was sitting home for 8 years, pubic hair had become unacceptable...what is up with that? That is one thing I will not do so no luck finding a partner with a straightforward ad.

I placed an ad asking if anyone liked older, thick and hairy women. I got tons of responses, including from K. I liked his humor, as he liked mine and we arranged to meet for lunch. We hit it off right away and became lovers. He told me he was a single dad....his wife had died in a car accident 5 years earlier and he was raising his daughter on his own. He told me his daughter was jealous of women so he couldn't bring anyone home. He told me his nanny was jealous of other women because she wanted to be the mommy but he wasn't in a relationship with her. So we snuck around and had the best sex either of us had ever had. I had been to his house several times and it seemed to me that there was no woman living there...no art on the walls, only his clothes in his closet, no decorations in the kitchen, etc. I'm not the snooping type so I never went looking where I wasn't invitied....call me trusting, call me naive, call me willfully blind.

This went on for 5 months when he stopped returning my emails and calls. I was obssessed/addicted to him at this point. I cried and grieved and finally starting moving on, dating other men. I found a new sex partner that was OK but no one will ever move me like K does.

A few months later, out of the blue, K contacts me and wants to see me. I was pretty angry about how he treated me but I accepted his lies and let him back in. The next day I get a phone call from some woman accusing me of fucking her husband. It's a good thing I was sitting down because I could not have been more stunned. Anyways, C proceeded to tell me that she was married to K and blah blah blah. She wanted me to just walk away and not contact K again. I gave her the benefit of doubt and told her that even though I had a very hard time believing her, that if it was true then I was sorry and would stay out of their lives. We talked for about 20 minutes and it ended with me wishing her luck. I immediately called K to see what was going on. He did not answer my calls or emails. I was DEVASTATED. I was so hurt I could hardly breathe. My friends helped me get through it, then a few weeks later he contacts me.

He tells me he's sorry about C and that she has fallen in love with him and did not react well when she realized he was seeing me again.

Anyways, we start seeing each other again...we can't seem to stay away from each other. Finally, the truth comes out slowly. He is in a relationship with her but he considers her to be a "fuck-buddy" even though she considers him to be HER man. Almost everything C told me in her phone call was a lie, including that he gave her an STD. So I took myself to the doc to get tested, costing me $144 because my insurance didn't cover it for nothing.

So then they want to have a 3-way with me. I say yes because I'd always been curious about that and I wanted to make K happy. The first 2 times it was OK because of the novelty. I soon realized that I am NOT bi-sexual and that I wan't enjoying C being involved. I've told K many times but he says it's the only way for us to be together. So I tried to be poly in that I tried to accept C as a part of my relationship with K. I can't do it anymore.

None of us are really happy but I can't seem to say goodbye. I am self-aware enough to know I am addicted and will never be happy with this situation. I am not, however, strong enough to say goodbye to this man.

Tomorrow I will tell him that I will no longer be involved with C. I don't even want to be her friend...if I had met her in a different situation, I never would have become friends with her. Just now I got an email from her inviting me to have a sex with them....she told me how much she loves it and how much she likes me.

I know I'm weak and self-destructive and self-indulgent. I think I justify my behavior to myself by saying that I was alone for so long that I deserve what happiness I can have with this man who absolutely rocks my world. I've met his daughter and we really hit it off but I see that he and P (the daughter) NEED C. She was there for them throughout the whole ordeal...she was the nanny before the wife died. She gave up her life to take care of K and P. She fully expects to be his woman. He has told me that if she left because of me, that P would be hurt too much. I agree. I see that they really do need her so it is up to me to step away.

I've tried, but I can't seem to say no to him when he begs me to come back. I don't know if what we feel for each other is real love, but I know that it is powerful and real.

So there is my story......

Last edited by bluevictoria; 03-10-2011 at 03:46 AM. Reason: Said mean things...trying to be a kinder person
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  #12  
Old 03-10-2011, 04:17 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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All I want to do is give you a big hug and then introduce you to a real man. Seriously.

I AM bi and I AM poly and what you describe about it being a threesome or nothing makes me cringe with nausea. Seriously.

I've had a 3some with my husband and his FWB-and it was a blast.
I've had 3somes with other women as well.

BUT-for it to HAVE TO BE. Nope, nada, niet, no way......
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  #13  
Old 03-10-2011, 05:06 AM
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After reading your story, I changed my opinion - I don't think you should walk away.

I think you should RUN and don't look back!

You are being used and deserve much better. You and I are close in age, and I can relate to a lot of what you have been going through. You don't have to be desperate, though I know at times it feels like there's no one out there.

Get. Out. Now.
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Last edited by nycindie; 03-10-2011 at 06:43 AM.
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  #14  
Old 03-10-2011, 06:20 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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This relationship has been based on lies, deceit and ego since the beginning. It seems like a grab for sex and ownership over others, not love, consideration, integrity, respect and genuine real love as I know it. He might be a good lay, but there are other men that will love you, respect you enough to be honest and forthcoming with information and honour you as he does his other loves. Perhaps someone who is mono who honours only you....

What's with not getting in touch with you for all that time. Did the woman find out and then he tried to make it all hot and steamy for her by telling her you are good to go for a threesome? Did he like the hot sex and want more of it? That really sucks. It sounds like you want love and companionship, not someone that treats you like a toy....

Neither of them are on the same wavelength as you it seems. I have been in that position where I mistook love for sex play and was really damaged and hurt by it. I was naive to think it was love and didn't recognize the signs that it wasn't.... I think you had a good thing going when you started to move on. You still can.
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  #15  
Old 03-10-2011, 02:52 PM
bluevictoria bluevictoria is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
After reading your story, I changed my opinion - I don't think you should walk away.

I think you should RUN and don't look back!

You are being used and deserve much better. You and I are close in age, and I can relate to a lot of what you have been going through. You don't have to be desperate, though I know at times it feels like there's no one out there.

Get. Out. Now.
I admit I do feel desperate and feel like there is no one else for me. I have been single and alone for so long. There are other issues that set me apart from many people. I need to find a way to be happy alone again. Although I can't really say I was happy those long eight years.

I hardly slept last night thinking about my situation (again). I seem to have some kind of disconnect....I know that K is not good for me, does not give me what I need, and is a liar and user....BUT my mind skitters away from the thought of actually breaking it off with him now. It's like I won't let myself think it...I don't really know how to explain it. It's like I have 2 minds--the logical, rational one and the one that wants what it wants regardless of the consequences.

What I want now is very different from what I wanted when I placed the ad. Then I was looking for a sex partner. Now that I've had a taste of intimacy (because what K and I have together goes way beyond just amazing, mind-blowing sex), I want companionship, respect, support, love, friendship...the whole enchilada.
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  #16  
Old 03-10-2011, 03:00 PM
bluevictoria bluevictoria is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
All I want to do is give you a big hug and then introduce you to a real man. Seriously.

I AM bi and I AM poly and what you describe about it being a threesome or nothing makes me cringe with nausea. Seriously.

I've had a 3some with my husband and his FWB-and it was a blast.
I've had 3somes with other women as well.

BUT-for it to HAVE TO BE. Nope, nada, niet, no way......
I don't think I was clear. K and I see each other without C but the condition is that sometimes we play together. Like I said before, at first it was fun and exciting, but then I saw how she manipulated events so that K and I hardly had any time alone together and lost all my desire for her. K says that we have to play her game (have 3 ways sex sometimes and include her more in our just hanging out and talking time) if we want her to give him the time to see me.

He thinks it will somehow "just all work out" and that we should keep C happy.

This all sounds so very awful when put down in black and white. He really is not a horrible person. He is damaged and trying to get by like all of us. He makes some bad decisions and has poor communication skills. He is truth-impaired...maybe it's a genetic condition.

Remember, you are only getting my side of the story. It can't really be as horrible as it seems, can it?
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  #17  
Old 03-10-2011, 03:22 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bluevictoria View Post
It can't really be as horrible as it seems, can it?
Yes! You are allowing others to treat you like crap, and trying to justify it. You should definitely NOT be having sex with her if you want to. They are playing off your insecurities.
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  #18  
Old 03-10-2011, 07:03 PM
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I know we only hear half off it, but why sacrifice yourself because someone else has been hurt. You have been struggling to no? His treatment of you might be the result of his pain, but its not justified. You are teaching him that its okay to treat you this way, or anyone this way by staying. Maybe he will take notice if you tell him why you are done and work to keep you in his life.

If not you have surely discovered that you have a lot to offer. Great sex AND love AND great companionship. Stand tall and offer that with pride. The doors will open if you are confident in what you need and don't settle. You are missing good opportunities with men who are worth it by staying with this man by the sounds of it.
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Old 03-10-2011, 07:12 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
The doors will open if you are confident in what you need and don't settle.
This bears repeating.
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  #20  
Old 03-10-2011, 08:38 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bluevictoria View Post
I want companionship, respect, support, love, friendship...the whole enchilada.
You are NOT getting that from K no matter how you try to color it. So you really have nothing to lose by leaving this relationship... and so much to gain!


Invest in a good vibrator to get you through those lonely nights when your libido feels like it's going through the roof. It does help!
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