sorting out my thoughts
Warning very long post, but trying to explain the situation.
I am new here, I have been thrust into a relationship with someone that claims to be poly. By that I mean we have been together for several years and married for almost 4, have a child together and just now being told that she is poly only several months ago after finding out about an online afair that had went on for 7 months.
I've been doing research as well as my own soul searching, so please correct me if I am wrong or not seeing something from the right view. From what I've gathered poly means to have a loving relationship with more than one person but doesnt nesessarily envolve cuddling or sexual expression.
If so than I guess I would be considered poly as I have several people that I am close to.
However this is my story thus far
it starts about 2 years ago. My wife and I are avid video gammers and this is where she started meeting people and at first this was fine until she started playing non-stop blowing off close friends and myself, not sleeping for more than a couple of hours a night, not eating. I couldnt get her attention to talk to her which resulted in me shutting down emotionaly from time to time mostly by 4 or 5 in the morning when she would finally come to bed. I decided to find the source of the trouble and find out was going on and descoved him to be a manipulating predator and told her I wanted her to stop talking to this person and why. She did as I asked and mostly everything was fine
However, there was still some problems we were having because of her addiction to the game and her lack of sharing in household chores and spending time with each other and our friends, which has developed a bit of a rift between them. At some point she latched onto another person and started having an online affair in the game and through e-mail. I knew something was going on just not how far or with whom.
One of the friends she made online she started making plans to have come over and had already made apparent that it was fine and despite knowing I didn't want or like the idea, because at the time we were still having some issue to work out and still giving all her time and energy to all these online friends particularly him with constant chatting and texting and phone calls and none to me. At first it was supposed to be him, his wife and there child and they were to stay at a hotel.Quickly it became just him and his child and then to just him and him staying at our house, much to my dislike cause I felt that I was being lied to. Needless to say at some point they were alittle too cuddlly on the couch, big blow up and he was told it was in his best interest to leave in a hurry, much to my wife's dislike.
Anyhow we kept going on and eventually my wife made plans to go up there after eveything settled down with our child in tow and despite me saying I didnt want her to be herself with him cause barely even knew him. By this point my trust has been severly tested and continue to carry on as normal. At some point we make plans to go up and visit him and his wife he actually did have one. We go up and I pretty much spend the entire time feeling like a third wheel and being ignored a waste of a 4 hour drive for me and watching my wife almost alittle too comfortable.
We get home things are still somewhat bad and she is depressed all the time, I want to help and she won't talk to me about any of it. So I did read her text to her friends that we had went to go see because she said she had been talking to them about her issues she had been having, and I admit that was wrong but I didnt feel like I had anywhere else to turn. Instead of finding problems I see texts of I'm sorry hubby was hovering so much I would like to have had that chance to kiss
So I dug further and found photos of some other guy and email affair of someone else, and then came the confrontion and me almost going to the court house to file for divorce. We talked alot, she thought it was ok cause the affair had ended a few months ago, she wasnt the one who ended it and she wasnt that happy because it ended nor does she know why. At this point Im emotion wrecked and no longer trust anything she says. Yet I stayed because I wanted to try to get us back to what we were.This blow up happened in oct. and we are still working things out. She says she is poly and also possibly bi, as apparently the kiss text was from his wife, around this time frame and just discovering this about her self. As a note she doesnt get along well with other women and none of the people she spends her time talking to are female except for the other persons wife and then not often.
I had never heard about this before and she tried to explain this to me, to me this just sounded like a way to make it excuseable to sleep around and cheat( and i do not mean to offend anyone this was my first impression)This led to more talking, expressing our feelings and sex which I've come to the conclusion she does this to clound my thoughts and make me feel better at the same time if that makes any sense I'm still trying to sort and phrase that better.Anywho, this also brought on negotiations such as having a threesome as well as a "one penis policy" as I've heard it referred to on here, regardless that I wasnt comfortable with even doing that.
So far nothing has come of that. I barely trust her and she knows that, she constantly hides text windows when I come by and waits till I walk away. And when I do come across something not ment for me to see it's extremly shady and she claims it to be just rp as when her friend came down unexpectently when I had to work the next day. I saw message between the two when I came home that went along the lines of "I'm glad I got to have to for a little while to myself and made you scream my name" another big blow up about this with her claiming it to be rp and being angry about me thinking that they had sex. what the hell am I supposed to think with those circumstances. I know Im not stupid and know very well that I could be just getting played.
we are still working on things and I believe things are coming to a head.She has a another friend that she talks to and they have confessed to having feelings for each other, and she came forward to tell me so. I'm staying away from the both of them when they are talking to each other and have told that I would not be around them when they talk because she by nature is flirtatious and I told her didnt want to be around to listen to it knowing the feelings that are existing. they are both upset because I refuse to group with them though I dont believe she has told him why. Why exactly he is upset I dont know because he has never really bothered to talk to me in the first place just her same as with most of the friends she has made on the internet.
I know this was long and Kudos to anyone who actually read the whole thing I just need someone to talk to as my support group is pretty much gone or dont know how to relate to it and the only ones I want to talk to I either dont trust and the other cant talk to because they passed away shortly after our son was born which makes me miss them that much more. I need advice and help
|poly mono marriage|