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  #41  
Old 03-08-2011, 10:57 PM
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Today I weigh everything as to how it will effect the family.... I run things by my good friend and lawyer.... off chance I'm not right in the head...
Smart man.
  #42  
Old 03-08-2011, 11:18 PM
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Dinged,
there just aren't words. Just aren't words.

As you know-I had a long-term affair. The idea of letting it all fall together (or apart) the way your wife has boggles my mind.

I admit my actions were selfish and inappropriate. However, at no point did I ever stop concerning myself with my kids.... I can't even fathom taking the types of risks you describe here-as a parent. I just can't.

I wish I could take your daughter and like the girl in book 7 & 8 of the Kushiel series, wipe the memories clean. Because-even if she manages to get to the point of letting go and potentially forgiving her mother for some highly selfish and inappropriate actions... she can't forget and that just sucks.

FYI-BDSM in and of itself isn't a bad thing. I have a D/s relationship with GG. But, there is a HIGHER level of responsibility required if you are going to have a relationship like that. I don't know that you care one whit, but when things settle down, take a look at the libbysub blog listed in my signature. It's written by a lady who is a 24/7 submissive AND has 3 children. She and her husband/master have a CLASSY way of handling their BDSM lifestyle and their family. Something that doesn't leave room for their children to suffer as your daughter is.


HUGS, I can't imagine that anything will make you (or her) feel better right now. But, hopefully in time your daughter will realize that her mothers errors don't have to control her own life. She's still free to build the beautiful and amazing life she always was.
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  #43  
Old 03-09-2011, 12:10 AM
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Dinged,
As I see it, I think you've got TWO things going on here that need to be addressed separately.

First, or rather most recently, you have been confronted by what your wife is doing sexually with her boyfriend. You find their sexual tastes and proclivities disgusting. However, I believe that is not the issue you need to deal with. However reprehensible you find their behavior, keep in mind that many people get into polyamory because of a difference in sexual desires and tastes. If one partner feels a need to be kinky in order to be sexually satisfied, while the other does not, an additional partner can fulfill that need (if there is an agreement to open up the relationship). Kinkiness, in and of itself, is not necessarily sick and the people who participate in it are not necessarily pigs. You see it that way because it is obviously as far from your reality of what sex should be as it could possibly go. But what she does with him has nothing to do with you. The fact that she seemingly let herself get "caught" is more related to the second issue, that you need to deal with.

I understand it is painful for you to see those images of her doing something that disgusts you so much, and of course for your daughter to have seen them, but I think you really need to separate the acts themselves from the larger issues that have been brewing all along. Try to set what they do aside for now. Because, hypothetically, let's say that if you two healed everything else that was going on between you, like the lies and feeling like you weren't getting enough attention, as an example, you may have come to a place where you were okay with polyamory. There might have been a point at which you accepted it and felt okay with her having a lover, and you might even have chosen to have a lover too. And, if that were the case and you had never found out what she was doing with him, you wouldn't be cringing about it -- you would just be focused on your relationship with her, not her relationship with him.

Many poly couples don't share what goes on intimately with their partners. For many people, they just don't want to picture anything, so this is not unusual - but healthy relationships can still be had between a couple, even if one of them goes off and does some wild shit with their other partner. So, again, I think it would behoove you to try and set aside that aspect of what's been happening, because her sexual expression with him is not as relevant to your relationship as much as how she has related to you.


So, here's the second and most important issue: you've been struggling with your relationship with your wife for a while now. Your first post here, back in January, stated that "about 7-8 months I was reluctantly pushed into this lifestyle." That statement right there means that you didn't want to be in a poly situation and were essentially coerced into going along with it. Red flag!

Now, I'm sure there's more, but I am going by the threads you've posted here. Your wife and her boyfriend had a few strange encounters with you in public and you felt like he was trying to get the scoop on you while you didn't know much about him. So, there was a little weirdness, your wife didn't try to make meeting him an easy thing for you. It seems she can be very selfish and uncaring. So, you set certain rules to be followed: they don't fuck in your house, they must take precautions so that your wife doesn't bring home "so much as a fucking cold" (your words), and nobody touches your car. All reasonable.

Last month, you wrote about feeling like your wife was not focused enough on you and the family, that you didn't feel special to her, and that you and the kids weren't getting enough of her attention. You mentioned wanting her to feel as dissed as you did, a little vengefulness on your part, but you also said, "I have started to moved toward being open to the possibility of dating and or relationships." So, you've had some uncertainty and ambivalence throughout, and she did not seem willing to make changes or compromises to accommodate your feelings.

You feel hurt and have resentments but you tried to accept this other relationship of hers and prepare yourself for the future. You've talked about wanting to step back from being her primary, about her making good money and never contributing, and about no longer wearing your wedding band. You're trying to hash things out and then your wife decides at the last minute not to go on a family ski trip you had planned. You didn't protest, although you didn't like the fact that she didn't want to go. You kept silent and stewed about it. Then you wind up in a car crash with broken ribs, and when your daughter calls her mother you all find out she's in Vegas with her lover and hadn't told you she'd be there. The two of you clearly have problems involving trust and honesty. You said you also think she's trying to fill up some feeling of lack within herself. From what you have related here, there clearly seems to be a lack of communication between you and some disrespect.

While, yes, she has not behaved forthrightly, it seems you don't express your anger and then you do something to get back at her -- like changing your insurance policy without discussing it first. You've both tried counseling, but apparently not for very long and nothing was truly resolved. You have said you won't walk away, but underneath everything, you have been seething.

Now this happens -- pictures are found and it's like Vesuvius has erupted. Can you see how some of the rage you're feeling now has been bottled up for some time? You two have very fundamental relationship issues to work on; it isn't just about some kinky pictures. It's possible your wife tried to get caught as a "plea for help." She may be a sexual compulsive or have some deeper psychological problems, or she might just be tired of trying to hold it all together. She could have been feeling like her life was spiraling out of control and she needed to cry out in some way -- who knows? Yes, she seems like she has abandoned her responsibilities and is acting rather crazy. But don't let your reaction to the kinky stuff and the emails color what needs to be done to deal with the underlying problems between the two of you.

You have let your needs be swept aside and not expressed all the hurt and anger you've felt about it. In the midst of taking care of your daughter, also take care of yourself. Forget about revenge - it will feel like a hollow victory and send you deeper into despair. Focus on HEALING. It may mean divorce, it may mean reconciliation, it may mean communicating, it may mean lots and lots of therapy for both of you or the whole family, or any number of things -- but be careful with how you react. Don't let the content of the pictures sway you from what is underneath all the stuff that needs addressing. What's in the pictures have nothing to do with it, but being careless so they could be found seems an obvious statement, or a symptom of something much deeper. You are both in pain, and I suspect there's been pain for a long time.

I hope this all makes sense, and I wish you strength and healing.
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Last edited by nycindie; 03-09-2011 at 01:49 AM.
  #44  
Old 03-09-2011, 02:08 PM
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Thanks Bella and LR

The sleep thing is starting to be a problem.... bed no fucking way can lay for hours...sitting at my desk no problem....

I think most people would have a hard time finding the classyness in the emails and photo's.... more like crime scene photo's

I'm sure there are degrees to everything....

Thanks D
  #45  
Old 03-09-2011, 05:10 PM
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The sleep thing is starting to be a problem.... bed no fucking way can lay for hours...sitting at my desk no problem....
When I was having anxiety attacks or just can't shut my brain off, sometimes it helps me to actually sleep on the couch or someplace else that's pretty neutral. Occationally I have to even have the TV on real low. I would say, that if it continues talk to your doctor. Sleep deprevation is definitely not good for your family. Hugs

Quote:
I think most people would have a hard time finding the classyness in the emails and photo's.... more like crime scene photo's
I think that was the point of LR pointing out Lilly's blog, to let you see the other end of the spectrum and that it can be done with class and respect. The issue is not with BDSM, but with your wife alone.
  #46  
Old 03-09-2011, 06:02 PM
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nycindie Thank you for insight

I dont think your general characterization is completely wrong just a couple assumptions. My mind has been assaulted from so many directions. Its like bee attack.

Being confronted with her being sexual.....that falls toward the bottom of the list. The language and vocabulary of the emails I did find distasteful and hard to understand. You seemed to pick out the word pig as I used it and gave it a negative meaning. There are photo's of her body with that word written on it. I know pig was used several times.... cum slut, ass whore, cunt, ass cunt, mouth cunt....pig seems mild in contrast. These photo's really show loving commitment to spiritual growth ...if you didn't know you would think it was retrieved from a serial sex offenders lair after his arrest. She looked beat up.... marks, bruises.. eye make smeared from crying, cum on her face....what beautiful image to store on a computer...I wonder if she or they edited out the unflattering one.... the one in which she may look fat or you couldn't read the text clear enough.

My first issue seems very irrelevant at this point. The email traffic supports most of my hesitation. It also suggest this was going on 6 months prior.... get my sharpie he need to add LYING CHEATING WHORE to her. Just lying and cheating whore was used many times.

" It not relevant how she relates to me" It is now...The c word has been out of bounds from as long as I can remember.... and she hated it use in reference to other and I've never used it toward her ever. Now cunt is no longer big deal she been called it hundreds of times and worse. Hell she enjoys it.

Another aspect of the relevance is needing a sports medicine trainer to relieve those beat up or strain muscles....If I had any idea I was helping to put her back in the game.... WOW ....fucking very relevant

your grasp of my history is pretty good... To clarify...1) "her making good money" she does contribute to our household always has ....she is like the President never has cash on her.... hey ya 20 for this or 50 for this ... or it could 3 bucks for coffee. I was just thinking let someone else be the atm. Or the mechanic for her car...let him crawl under it

2) She (acted) as though she was upset by me removing my wedding ring. I was confused by her reaction....still am from what I know now.

3) Yes I was disappointed when she blew her kids off. You can't use rhetoric about family time and what it means and then do the opposite. In all these situations because of the constraints of time and typing skills there is more subtle things happening.....you got highlights or bullet points.

4) No car crash....ski crash ...me and the hill....tried to do a jump caught an edge...bad day .... I found out she was there after I asked for her to drive up. Kid still don't know she was in Vegas...no emails to prove otherwise.

5) the insurance decision was made to protect my kids not punish my wife. Plus I have to admit I want to remove the incentive of my waking up dead...but those thoughts were momentary.

6) Seething ....Might be too strong....but yes I've been hurt. I look at it like a lot of paper cuts some deeper than others.

7) " kinky pictures found I blew" Yes and NO Over 300 emails and 35 photo's. Most of my anger is at the blatant stupidity of this...goes to judgment... I know you're NOT getting the fact a little girls image of her mother has been completely destroyed/ her entire universe has been destroyed. You have no idea the pain this little girl is in. Its that pain that fuels my anger not the pictures.

Thank you very much for comments and I couldn't agree more as to your last paragraph ....focus is now on rebuilding whats left. I'm really not to interested in a relationship with my wife ( cum slut/ ass whore ) right now.
I feel a Sam Kinison rant coming on

I Thank again for effort and kind words..... D
  #47  
Old 03-09-2011, 07:16 PM
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I think most people would have a hard time finding the classyness in the emails and photo's.... more like crime scene photo's

I'm sure there are degrees to everything....

Thanks D
There are degrees to everything. I was certainly not suggesting that HER actions or photos were classy. Just pointing out that at some point in the future, if you want to see some (writing-not photos) about how it can be done classy, check out that blog.
You never know-at some point that tool may help your daughter to see that people who participate in BDSM aren't necessarily psycho-even if her mother appeared to be.

Hugs, you need more of them. I have no advice for the sleep. I take a Lunesta every night, because sleep is not one of my forte's.
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  #48  
Old 03-09-2011, 07:25 PM
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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
7) " kinky pictures found I blew" Yes and NO Over 300 emails and 35 photo's. Most of my anger is at the blatant stupidity of this...goes to judgment... I know you're NOT getting the fact a little girls image of her mother has been completely destroyed/ her entire universe has been destroyed. You have no idea the pain this little girl is in. Its that pain that fuels my anger not the pictures.
I totally get that. It's hard to write a coherent sentence when you are struggling through the inability to make right your child's suffering.

Even though it's TOTALLY different, I struggled through that when my daughter was trying to birth this grandbaby. After 40 hours of her screaming and the last 20 of them pushing. Us being able to see his hair with every push, but her in agony... I was ready to murder every staff member at the hospital. Listening to her scream, "mommy PLEASE MAKE IT STOP" followed by a psychotic sounding wail to "GIVE ME THE FUCKING KNIFE I'LL CUT HIM OUT MYSELF". My capacity to handle the nurse saying, "you're fine honey, just breathe" was GONE GONE GONE.

As I said, totally different situation. The one similarity being, the parents struggle to handle their child's devastation and pain whilst being wholly unable to stop it. THAT PART-I'm totally there with you. That her other parent caused it. Unforgivable. Maybe someday that will change, but not any time soon. I understand that too.
When same said daughter was bawling her eyes out because her daddy didn't give a DAMN about her.... knowing that him blowing her off was a choice he made IN HER FACE.... the rage was insurpassable. Forgiveness.... it was 15 years and a lot of ass kissing from him to her (and to his parents and to me and to my husband) before I considered it.

Just hold the fort as best you can.
Talk to the Dr about something to help you sleep.
Hold her when she'll let you hold her.
Let her vent.
See the counselors and follow the instructions they have.
Love your son. Too often we get caught up in the child with the emergency and forget to show as much attention to the other child who is "ok". Be sure he gets lots of love too.
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  #49  
Old 03-09-2011, 07:45 PM
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I know you're NOT getting the fact a little girls image of her mother has been completely destroyed/ her entire universe has been destroyed. You have no idea the pain this little girl is in. Its that pain that fuels my anger not the pictures.
Yes, I get that, but... not being a parent, I really didn't know how to comment on that. I know it's highly traumatic for her. I had a very traumatic experience at her age, but no one ever helped me with it, so I didn't know what to say. My thoughts were mostly focused on you. I had been thinking of you all day before I wrote that. Mostly about how angry you sounded and how often you wrote about revenge or punishing her/them in some way. Even if you were just venting, I felt concern for you and the possibility of your anger clouding rational judgment. I also thought about your wife and wondered if her behavior was a cry for help. People in pain can do such strange things.

I thought I would let others here, who are parents and more experienced in dealing with helping a child get through hard times be the ones to speak specifically to the issues surrounding your daughter. I didn't mean to sound like that wasn't also something I was concerned about. I am so sorry you and your family are going through this right now.
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  #50  
Old 03-09-2011, 09:31 PM
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LR
Yes .... I think the pain situation is very similar and now I know a little of what you went through... It reminded me of when my dad died. I had my business so I put it on autopilot and spent the last month with him. Cancer slow painful way to go. I remember many times at 2 or 3 in the morning watching him thinking I got to end this it's just too fucking painful to watch. I thought if put 4-5 morphine patches on him this fucking nightmare will be over. I didn't because I thought in the grief I may forget to remove them.... but I thought about it many times. Up until this that the most painful thing I had to endure.

I completely understand about the sympathetic pain you felt with your daughters father blower her off.....absolutely crushing ....I want his head on a pike now too ... that's the sleep anger talking

Do you know anything about melatonin ....I'm sure I didn't spell that correctly?

Don't want to start down sleeping pill road....yet


Thanks again D
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