Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions


Closed Thread
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 03-08-2011, 03:59 PM
Carma's Avatar
Carma Carma is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 478

Whoa yeah, it sounds like your description of the photos is plenty -- no need to have the graphic images in your mother-in-law's head, too. She is of a different generation and it may be totally out of her scope. And... that's her daughter. I know I wouldn't want to see my daughter in a sexual setting, it's just not my place. The same way your daughter was traumatized -- wouldn't it just be worse to have them both upset?

My 28-year old found out about our polyamorous arrangement and called and told my mother. It has been about 3 weeks now and things are still very rocky. My daughter is absolutely not speaking to me. She is very religious and says what I'm doing is disgusting.

My mother is very religious too but has been pretty cool about it. But one thing she does NOT want is details!!!

Actually my husband has been supportive and defensive of me, and of our lifestyle. He says it's really none of their business; it was an arrangement made by us as grown adults and it is our right -- we were not breaking any laws (thank goodness for freedom!) and we are not Puritans these days. As for moral laws, well who lays those down?? Gets sticky there, but the pursuit of happiness is a biggie.

I am terribly sorry this has happened to your family

We have had MAJOR issues in ours about privacy and snooping. It has nearly destroyed us. So I am really feeling for you all.
Old 03-08-2011, 05:55 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,511

Thanks mono for measured comments....
.... I was speaking figuratively( head on pike) for the most part. Legally I have a lawyer looking into that... right now it looks like all provocative talk and and all photo where unsolicited. His people are going through our home computer as well. As I purchased it and was the administrator we have some footing. Any action taken she would be named as well.

My daughter has had only a few conversations with her mother....all of which she screamed things into the phone.... your sick, your disgusting... you liar, how could do those things at family outing with my friend right there, I'm calling grandma and telling her what you did. I don't want to look at you all I'll see is those pictures.

So actually I got the idea of sending the photo's and some of the emails from my daughter.

My anger is generated from 3 points. 1 content of emails and time line this started out an affair. Aside from the explicit stuff, comments about me and the kid really fucking piss me off. I would love for either one of them to say those same things to my face. 2. Both made a choice to send this type of material back forth under peoples noses as an added thrill. We know she used her blackberry a lot of the time. 3. Pictures.... taking them perhaps not smart.... sending them via internet Stupid .... saving them fucking Stupid.

Let not forget the text traffic.... we are digging into this as well. I mention this to illustrate the huge number of times they could have been discovered sending explicit X-rated material back and forth to each other.

In every case he or she made a choice of the content, to send or to save and the manner in which they interact with one another. That make hundreds if not thousands of decisions. I know they had close calls because they talked about them in the emails....Super fucking stupid didn't see the eventuality of such risks. Its like Tiger woods or Brett Farve just thought they're too smart or too lucky to get caught.

My daughter and I have met with a family therapist as well...part of the same team she is getting everything anyone can think of..but you can't unring the bell. Biggest challenge now is my son.... he's kind of a mushroom...kept in the dark and fed horseshit. The professionals and I are working on a consensus for a plan for him. Daughter thought he should go with mom originally because he doesn't know much.... but then she says (we) can't let him be with her...what if it happens again....what if he's around that creepy guy. Who knows what that creep is into..dad its to big a risk.

RP Thanks
you are correct sleep is a huge problem at the moment. I do know it and I never do rash things.

I have not said anything about the situation in anger since Friday....her not being here has helped. Not sure when I talked with... I think Friday to arrange transport to her sisters.

This wasn't an accident as I view situation. This was a disaster just waiting to happen or they got off flirting with that disaster.


I can guarantee no body (needs)to see or read the emails. However I think in a few cases because of long standing relationship dynamic that they should share in the pain. Especially Grandma....
Not sure why so many of you think sharing these photo's and emails is such a bad idea....outside adding more pain to my family...that wont happen. I have no desire to hurt his family....however I'm very interested as to his wife's role.... if she participated or was the photographer she may have a problem with me as well. I think see will have to see what I have in any case.

Derby thanks
Sorry you're wrong can't think of one reason to hold off and that's not the sleep deprivation talking ..... thank you for the kind words... I;m doing whatever I can think of.

Not sure what you mean. Her family as it stands right now think she was stupid selfish sexual deviant. As to my family I can't imagine what I would have to do to make this much worse.

You don't know my mother in law.....Ya I got a need.

Your daughter is 28 and is having a hard time ...think of her being almost 13 and see you displayed like meat or worse. Those of you who are into this can cobble together an image those who are not .... got no fucking clue of what I'm talking about. I mildly described 1 photo...it really is a pictures worth a 1000 words or in this case 2-3000.

As of right now it was my wife's sloppiness for using my daughters user screen to check an email and left the page open and logged in. As it stands my daughter didn't hack in or obtain this material off wife's computer. Was she suspicious YES. She asked questions and was directly lied to... also true. It was a matter of time... house of cards and all..
Old 03-08-2011, 06:23 PM
SNeacail's Avatar
SNeacail SNeacail is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Near Disneyland
Posts: 1,703


Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
This wasn't an accident as I view situation. This was a disaster just waiting to happen or they got off flirting with that disaster.
This was my gut feeling.

As of right now it was my wife's sloppiness for using my daughters user screen to check an email and left the page open and logged in. As it stands my daughter didn't hack in or obtain this material off wife's computer. Was she suspicious YES. She asked questions and was directly lied to... also true. It was a matter of time... house of cards and all..
It's almost as if she was trying to get caught. Kinda like "How far do I have to go until someone stops me?"
Old 03-08-2011, 06:43 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,511

Thanks SN

I agree and that's why I have very little compassion for those FUCKING IDIOTS. Plus I get to clean up the debris field...these two fucks haven't done one thing.....not that I let them anyway. Would like to re-create one or two of the photo's using him as the subject....maybe some day.
Old 03-08-2011, 07:52 PM
angelsndevils angelsndevils is offline
New Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Oregon
Posts: 4
Red face

Okay Ding..I am completely new to this and been reading all the post from the one where you didn't want to be the primary..all the way to the daughter finding the emails/pic. What I am confused about if you were ever okay with the poly lifestyle your wife was having, and just annoyed at her maturity level of handleing adult matters. As I am new to this lifestyle...very new..I am investing alot of reading time on here and your post strike me alot due to we (me and my man) have children who do live with us. And I want to make sure that mine and my husbands( not legal just been together 13 years) relationship stays primary and ultimately my kids come before that.
And maybe I am the select few who get why you would want to show them to the wifes mom and/or his family. Not sure if it would be right but I totally and whole heartly agree. As a mother I would have a 1k questions to wth is happening and I don't feel I could help anyone including my daughter if I wasn't AWARE of everything. I would hope that my kids at the right age and time in their life could talk to me about anything. I would never want to give them the idea that "sex" is dirty but I would never want to see pics per se of any of my kids. Nor do I ever want one of my kids to find pics of me/or father. And the whole privacy goes both ways imho..your wife had no reason to be on said daughters computer as you daughter would of no right on her moms. I RARELY step over the line of breaking the trust between any of my kids but they know if I SUSPECT your up to no good its all game for me...but to just up and get on their computer....never will happen and I know for me I sure aint getting on their computer to view ANY of my adult matters...and I don't mean just explicit stuff...I mean even banking or anything.
Sorry for all the ramblings..like I said I am so new to this and been reading you post and seem very well put..just a lil confused on that one thing
Old 03-08-2011, 08:03 PM
Carma's Avatar
Carma Carma is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 478

I can't imagine how I would handle this, but I can sure see where you are coming from, DH -- BTW, "dinged" is an understatement, right??

You're doing all you can do. Just don't let it take you to a homicidal level. At least no one was physically injured, and no one intentionally hurt your daughter, that is one thing on the bright side. Some kids suffer and survive lots of horrible sexual abuse -- she will be okay, with the professional help you have provided, I think the damage control will be really effective.

People do dumb things. People make dumb mistakes. But as long as there is love, I think it can overcome even the most wreckless behaviors. Maybe your wife got drunk on sex -- NRE -- people do some crazy things when they are drunk... crash cars and kill people, even. Underneath it all though, she is a loving person. I believe that love will prevail. Your family is going to come out okay, because you were all trying to keep the focus on LOVE. Don't lose sight of that, friend. You are a good guy. Hang in there.
Old 03-08-2011, 09:04 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,511

I'm not sure if I was ever completely OK with it...Several things didn't make sense to me. Time is finite so spending time with another draws from the pool of time either me, kids, job, or other outside activities. Feeling like she spending time, dates, sex out of obligation or fairness. This is not uncommon...really don't care if its completely common I don't want to be around anyone who's forcing themselves to be with me ....no favors please not that hard up. And now the email evidence has bore this out she was doing certain things out of fairness. One of my rules was this need not touch our kids lives ....unfair to them ...wrong age.

The computer is a family one in the family room of our house. Each person has their own user screen with passwords.. My daughter was most likely using it for school or on facebook and my wife was to lazy to log out and relog on under her own user screen jumped on to do god knows what I'm sure she wasn't at that moment sending emails to bf she would have closed it and logged off .... just stupid.
Old 03-08-2011, 09:32 PM
MindfulAgony's Avatar
MindfulAgony MindfulAgony is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 192

This is heart wrending.

I hope you find avenues to see others' pain beyond you and your daughters.

If you can see that pain, it is tons easier to act compassionately and not contribute to the damage.

It is just so easy in this situation - because of your own intense pain - to seek to maximize the damage, pain, destruction. Maximizing her pain because of her failure(s) does nothing to lessen your pain or your daughters and is most likely to deepen the pain for all involved.

I hope you can find compassion despite your hurt. Your actions in that frame of mind are more likely to support healing - if only for your daughter.

I have had to struggle through this problem recently. When the anger and hurt crept up into my throat... I focused on seeing my wife's pain. I didn't condone her actions. I didn't allow her to continue to be in a position to be hurtful and quickly made the changes that had to be made. I also avoided - for the most part - acting in anger (even if I didn't always avoid speaking out of anger) because I tried to see her pain through my tears and anger.

I've re-written this five times because I can't quite communicate how connected I feel to what you're experiencing and the hope I have that you can avoid doubling down on the magnitude of the pain in your family.
Male, Straight, Poly

OKC Profile

Mind Crush

“Instead of getting better and better at avoiding, learn to accept the present moment as if you had invited it. And work with it instead of against it. And making it your ally rather than your enemy.”
-Pema Chodron

Last edited by MindfulAgony; 03-08-2011 at 09:32 PM. Reason: can't quite find the words...
Old 03-08-2011, 10:35 PM
bella123456 bella123456 is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 182

DH - I can't add too much to the good advice you are receiving from others..
I just write to add support to that advice and support to you.

It is heart-breaking to be sure. Stay strong...get as much help as you can...from wherever you can get it..

I hope you have some close friends nearby..
I hope you can sleep, it makes such a difference..

Deep care for you all is required...
Old 03-08-2011, 10:46 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,511

Carma .... you right dinged doesn't cover it ...one more thing to fix

I can't describe the gut wrenching pain my daughter was put through for what I believe to sloppy personal conduct. If you're going to do that shit better make damn sure it stays private.

If you read the emails and saw the pictures you may have a hard time finding that loving person.....I see self indulgent hedonistic pig....


Interesting user name... might have to change my to shear agony or never ending AG kidding

Thank you for your heart felt comments...much appreciated.
I can see the pain ....well I've heard she's in a great deal of pain when I talked to her sister Sunday evening. Got a call recently from her boss he was told she was hospitalized or something and he was truly concerned. Didn't lie I just said I was uncertain of her condition and that she was out town at her sisters and it would be best to email her or use her cell I think he could sense there was a bigger problem.

I'm not trying to maximize her pain...perhaps add to YES... are you sure it wont help lessen my pain....I thinking it might help just a little.... pay back... ya know The emails in which I was directly mentioned are what I'm thinking of....hard to get over.

I'm sorry I don't know your personal story it sounds like you've been in your share of pain hope your on the other side now..

I'm not going to double down.....A younger me would have gone with scorch earth campaign ...fuck it
Today I weigh everything as to how it will effect the family.... I run things by my good friend and lawyer.... off chance I'm not right in the head...
Closed Thread

affairs, bdsm, cheating, children, d/s, dominance, kids, marriage, mono poly, mono/poly, revenge, sex play, submission

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 09:00 PM.