New babies

[axlfreak]

Maybe I've painted R a little cold. It wasn't intentional. He and I have been talking for months, even prior to K in our lives, about his life. He's dealt with a lot of shit, as many do. Molestation, abandonment, lifelong lies by his family...things of that nature. As I mentioned in my intro post, he shut himself in his game room for about 3 years after some particularly jarring news from his mother. (one of those lifelong lies) Then we moved, and he began to see a therapist. This therapist opened up a can of worms in my opinion. Then the therapist became...inconsistant. They cancelled an appointment, and lost the schedule of another. R was so put off by this that he quit going. So now here's this can...with worms wriggling all about. And he's trying to do the best he can. But he can't figure out which worms belong out of the can, and which need to be set free altogether. (if that metaphor makes any sense.) He just having hard time figuring out what he really wants.

And I desperately want to stand by his side while he works it out. But I am so scared. I'm terrified that he will discover what he needs is something I can't provide, or worse, something I can provide, but he just doesn't see it in me. And then I wonder, should I bow out? Should I step aside and let him have a life with K? But then that timer ticks again and I realize it's taken us 12 years to get here. It's just not likely that in 2 months they've gotten past 12 years. So I worry about the NRE and what it's making each of them do.

I think he's just trying to focus on doing what's right for him. And not in a fully selfish way. He wants to be true to what he wants, so that we don't 'do this dance' for another 10 years only to find out what he wanted all along was something else. He doesn't want to waste my time either.

I hope that makes the picture of R a little fuller.

[LovingRadiance]

It doesn't matter a whole lot what the picture is sweetie.

Let me say this,
any decision made from fear is going to backfire at some point. Therefore it's GOOD that you recognize how frightened you are.

At the same time, MANY decisions made during NRE are JUST as likely to backfire.

It still sounds A LOT like he's not using protection as agreed and that is a sticking point you two definitely need to iron out. The backlash of that one can be catastrophic for all involved.

Also, it would be good for both of you to read up on the risks of making decisions of any importance during NRE (big red flag there). As for the therapy, just quiting is a bad idea, find a new therapist. It's hell when you have internal demons plaguing you from the past, hell you needn't torment yourself with for life. It's always better to get them resolved.

AND

adding new relationships NEVER resolves demons. It's ALWAYS better to resolve them BEFORE moving forward into additional relationships.

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance

It does sound like he's being unreasonably reckless and frankly, I find myself having strong doubts that they are using protection as agreed upon, STRONG doubts....

I'm with LR...I'd say they are already trying. I'd also say that his arbitrary assumption that his girlfriend will move in if made pregnant is a massive red flag. You aren't even being given a choice if this happens...she'll just move in. I have to question whether you have any say in what happens already. Be careful and make sure you look after what you need.

[FlameKat]

It does.

However, acting out what he 'thinks he wants' before he knows who he is and that what he wants IS what is right for him... is not a great idea. not only is he gambling with your relationship he is playing with someone else's heart too, not to mention any children caught up in it...

He NEEDS to slow down for EVERYBODY's sake.

maybe you could show him your thread here and have him look around the forum... do a tag search on foundations, mono/poly (any combination of those two words), children and polyamory, compassion, boundaries

all of the threads will have other tags at the bottom which you can also click on to look for other things that may have value to you as well.


*Edit: I agree with LR re the counselling - VERY important he continue that... can't leave a job like that half done, seeping out and leaving a mess everywhere

[axlfreak]

These are certainly hard things to hear. But I thank you for saying them. Maybe I can get them both to read up on making big decisions while living NRE. /crosses fingers. I just really really don't want something we can't take back to be the deciding factor in any of this. I don't want a pregnancy to force anyones hand. I want to decide, for him to decide, for K and C to decide..all on our own without a 'situation' of any kind making us move faster than we know is healthy.

[nycindie]

Axlfreak,
My question to you would not be what does your husband need, but...

what do YOU need?

I think that's what you have to sort out and come to terms with, and then state your needs to him. If he's not willing to meet them, then you might have some negotiations ahead, or some choices to make.

[FlameKat]

Originally Posted by nycindie

Axlfreak,
My question to you would not be what does your husband need, but...

what do YOU need?

I think that's what you have to sort out and come to terms with, and then state your needs to him. If he's not willing to meet them, then you might have some negotiations ahead, or some choices to make.

THIS... in all your posts... your needs and wants also seem to take a backseat... this is a huge life-changing thing happening here... Take some time and really really figure that one out too

[axlfreak]

Well I think what I need is changing. I was going to post about what I've expected throughout our lives together. But I don't really even know that. I didn't expect poly-amory, I can tell you that. ; )

I think I need them to slow the F down. Even if I were to be selfish, I don't want him not to be with her. Now, to be honest and mono, I want him not to want her...but I can't make that happen.

So the next best thing is to take all of this slowly and see what happens. But I'm not sure how much they will slow down. And how much they will resent me for it.

To quote an Ani DiFranco lyric 'i try to draw the line, but it ends up running down the middle of me most of the time'

[axlfreak]

And for now I take my leave of you, as R will be home from work within the hour, and K will be visiting shortly after that. And I can't post without getting all emotional. >.< I will check back on this tomorrow. ^.^ Thanks again all.

[FlameKat]

sounds like your resolve is firming up there

take the time, look around, welcome to read my thread and see where we stand (my fiance is the mono in our relationship)... and see our boundaries redpepper and Mono also have very clear boundaries, sage has a blog at http://www.polyamorouspeople.com/ that i think would be a great read for you.