Unwaivering Feelings

[MintyGum]

Hi, I'm new to this board. I've been reading around for a while now trying to get a feel on others' thoughts about their polygamous relationships (the good, the bad, the struggling). And I've decided I don't want the stress, pressure, and trouble involved in trying to make a relationship like this work.

Common similarities between myself and previous posters that I would struggle with:

• Petty jealousy directed towards the third. Whether it be from her physical appearance, personality, occupation, and/or simply the time she would be taking him away from me.
• Giving them "alone time." I believe in a growing relationship and that involves personal time, but on the other hand I think that it should be all or none. To make it fair to myself and the extra. Otherwise it feels like cheating, whether I'm in the room or downstairs sitting on the couch listening.
• Worrying that this new relationship would cause him to waiver. Especially since it would be an easily kept secret with himself because I'm away at work all day.
• Getting HER pregnant. Everybody has different modes of contraception and how they take care of that routine, some stricter/smarter about it than others. I know I've faltered in the past (without the end result of course) and it scares me to imagine that scenario.
• The basic feeling of it being morally wrong for our specific relationship (just residual feelings from growing up in a monogamous world; no judgment on others).

I've told him all of these things on more than one occasion and yet he still claims that this is something he's wanted to "try" for a long time and feels empty without it. He's patient and waiting for me to develop accepting feelings toward it on my own time, and at the same time it feels like he's rushing me.
We've tried implementing a third into our relationship before by going as far as having another girl sleep over. Disaster. And he's giving me new literature on the subject when he finds it to let me know that it's accepted in circles around the country.
I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I'm waiting for him to "grow out of it." Does that even happen? Is this a phase that men can grow out of?

-Sad & Disillusioned

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by MintyGum

[*]Getting HER pregnant. Everybody has different modes of contraception and how they take care of that routine, some stricter/smarter about it than others. I know I've faltered in the past (without the end result of course) and it scares me to imagine that scenario.

how about disease? That is just as big no? I would hope he is using a condom and protection when he goes down on her.

Originally Posted by MintyGum

I'm waiting for him to "grow out of it." Does that even happen? Is this a phase that men can grow out of?

Sorry, it doesn't seem likely that he will grow out of it... I haven't heard of that... unless he is looking for just sex. Or is looking to be able to cheat with you knowing. It isn't evident from your post what his thoughts are. Taking a girl home for the night is not generally what people consider poly... it seems more like threesome sex or swinging or having and open relationship.... but then again, people claim love in one night of fucking so I dunno... Some others claim that is just the hormones that occur due to sex. It's all your choice what you want to call it.

I'm glad to hear you are reading and imagining... keep at it. He is going at your pace it sounds like and you are moving forward... it takes time and patience on both sides and a whole lot of communication... keep at it.

[LovingRadiance]

Originally Posted by MintyGum

I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I'm waiting for him to "grow out of it." Does that even happen? Is this a phase that men can grow out of?

-Sad & Disillusioned

No, people don't "grow out" of themselves IF you are talking about WHO THEY ARE.
However, there's no way for any of us to know for sure that he IS NATURALLY a poly-person and isn't just "wanting to screw around". It's impossible, because A. we don't know him and B. that's so internal anyway.

On the other hand, you are each individuals who have to choose your own path. If this is THAT important to him and it's THAT much of a "no" for you-then it may mean you need to go your separate ways. Only you can figure that out for yourselves.

I can tell you for me, if my husband is waiting for me to "grow out of " this, he's going to die before that happens. I've been poly since I was a little girl. Even as young as 1st grade, I always had two men I was interested in. Then, complicated that by the fact that I'm bi-sexual... nightmare trainwreck if he thinks I'm going to suddenly become someone else.

Does that make sense at all? I feel for you. Take some time to really consider what it is YOU want for your life and then work towards that goal, understanding that you can't make ANYONE else do anything, including him. So, your goals have to be centered upon letting other people do and be whatever it is that they are...

[MintyGum]

Sorry, if my post seemed a little rushed or I left out too much information. He's naturally a poly-person, yet has never experienced it. We've been discussing this for months and I'm trying to come to terms with it, it's just obviously a little hard to comprehend. I understand now that he'll never grow out of it.

The post regarding sex and pregnancy, of course diseases are a primary concern of mine, more so than pregnancy, because it will be challenging to find a third that is a good match for us on the first try. There will be more than one woman in our lives. I don't want our relationship to be messed up because we rushed ahead and somebody got sick when it could have been prevented...

He is definitely not looking for sex-only or threesomes. He wants a genuine poly-relationship with equal love and care shared among us all. My problem with that is that I was raised believing that I will find "the one" and that I will have children and a life and grow old with this person. It's complicated to believe in this traditional ideal when a non-traditional variable is thrust into the equation. I find myself thinking, What's the point of wanting children or long-term goals with this one man anymore, if he isn't satisfied with only me?

Then there is the third woman to console. It's not fair to her if we have the option to drop her like a hat when we decide we don't want her anymore. It doesn't work that way, she's a person too, with feelings and emotions. She will see us having children and making milestones like she's sitting on the bleachers watching our game of life with no connection to it. That kills me! I don't see anything fair with the role of secondaries in regards to the roles of primaries in this type of relationship.

Also, I'll never be able to introduce her to my family, friends, peers, coworkers, etc. as who she really is. I can't help feeling like it will be like a horrible dirty secret.

[nycindie]

Hi there, Minty. I found your last post quite thought-provoking. I'm not going to try and convince you of one way or another, but just thought I'd post some of the questions and responses you brought up in my mind. Maybe these will help in some way when next you discuss it with your husband.

Originally Posted by MintyGum

I find myself thinking, What's the point of wanting children or long-term goals with this one man anymore, if he isn't satisfied with only me?

Just because one person in a couple can find satisfaction with someone else does not mean that the partner he is coupled with does not also satisfy him. We all have varying needs. Having certain needs fulfilled by one person does not necessarily equate with the other person not being enough or not being just as satisfying, but that they are satisfying in a different way.

Originally Posted by MintyGum

Then there is the third woman to console. It's not fair to her if we have the option to drop her like a hat when we decide we don't want her anymore. It doesn't work that way, she's a person too, with feelings and emotions.

Egad, no one deserves to be rejected because of a couple's whims. I wouldn't even enter into the possibility of inviting someone into your relationship if you think there will be a chance you wouldn't "want her anymore," like a used-up toy. If you do become involved with a third, they should be accorded the same respect you have for one another, or any other close friend. Why would the fact that your husband (or both of you?) being sexual with an additional person could possibly make such dehumanizing treatment of someone even an option to consider? You say on one hand that your husband wants "a genuine poly-relationship with equal love and care shared among us all," so discarding her shouldn't even be something that enters the equation, in my opinion, if what he wants is the goal.

Originally Posted by MintyGum

She will see us having children and making milestones like she's sitting on the bleachers watching our game of life with no connection to it. That kills me! I don't see anything fair with the role of secondaries in regards to the roles of primaries in this type of relationship.

Why do you think your husband's secondary, if she goes along with that kind of hierarchical labeling, wouldn't have other lovers to satisfy her other needs as well? You seem to think in terms of only a woman who lives with you two as a third, but there are all kinds of possibilities and configurations. And would you only consider someone to be a third who would not also perhaps want children of her own? Would it be strictly forbidden for your husband to father children with someone else, if it was a love relationship and they both wanted it? Can you put such a rule on another woman's womb? And what if he wants to be with someone who already has kids? You don't know who it would be, so would you consider that kind of scenario? If you did engage in a poly tangle, why would you think her life outside of what she has with you two would be empty and devoid of satisfaction from anything else? Wouldn't you want to be involved with someone who is stable, happy, and NOT co-dependent or focused solely on your relationship as the be-all and end-all?

Originally Posted by MintyGum

Also, I'll never be able to introduce her to my family, friends, peers, coworkers, etc. as who she really is. I can't help feeling like it will be like a horrible dirty secret.

Lots of people have threads here dealing with that topic. It's not impossible.

[MintyGum]

Originally Posted by nycindie

Egad, no one deserves to be rejected because of a couple's whims...

We're just really new to this (if I can decide to do this). I don't want to create a relationship with someone and then dump them because of personal problems. Being dumped hurts and I don't want that to happen, but life is unpredictable. I may dump them both if things turn horribly sour.

Originally Posted by nycindie

Why do you think your husband's secondary, if she goes along with that kind of hierarchical labeling, wouldn't have other lovers to satisfy her other needs as well? You seem to think in terms of only a woman who lives with you two as a third, but there are all kinds of possibilities and configurations.
If you did engage in a poly tangle, why would you think her life outside of what she has with you two would be empty and devoid of satisfaction from anything else? Wouldn't you want to be involved with someone who is stable, happy, and NOT co-dependent or focused solely on your relationship as the be-all and end-all?

I haven't thought that far ahead yet. If that were the case, I wouldn't want a third who is a third to other relationship(s). I'm definitely not comfortable with a lover who has many other lovers. Too much sexual education has told me that sleeping with her means sleeping with everyone she's slept with recently. That widens the pool of potential sexual health issues. I'm more open to a polygamous relationship when she has a boyfriend/husband/family of her own. When she/they is/are stable in life and love before entering our relationship and us theirs.

Originally Posted by nycindie

And would you only consider someone to be a third who would not also perhaps want children of her own? Would it be strictly forbidden for your husband to father children with someone else, if it was a love relationship and they both wanted it? Can you put such a rule on another woman's womb? And what if he wants to be with someone who already has kids? You don't know who it would be, so would you consider that kind of scenario?

It is strictly forbidden for my husband to father another woman's children. If he loves me, he will respect that decision (one of my more unwavering decisions that no one can convince me otherwise). I've had this discussion with him regarding poly-tangles, pregnancy and child-support, emotionally and financially. My psyche just can't handle that sort of scenario/burden. I would be destroyed if his first child was with a lover and not the love of his life.

All of these responses help, no matter how critical. I have NOBODY to discuss this with who has had experience. I appreciate any and every bit of information I can grab a hold of while reading this board.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by MintyGum

. . . I wouldn't want a third who is a third to other relationship(s). I'm definitely not comfortable with a lover who has many other lovers.

I doubt very much you two would easily find a "third" who is also third to another couple, but you might find someone who has their own primary or husband.

[LovingRadiance]

Might I suggest you read some of the personal blogs?

I have a boyfriend, who I would not consider "secondary" to my husband. We all live together. All three families know all of us and are well aware of the situation. Of the four children, the first is mine from a previous relationship. The second is my husbands from a previous marriage. The third is my husband's and mine. The fourth is biologically my boyfriend and my's child. BUT-all four are being raised (fully aware of their biology) as my husband's and my children...

There are SO SO SO many ways to make things work out. The key is in allowing love to grow as it will.


Also-maybe reading some books?
Polyamory in the 21st Century just came out-I found it a very great book.
I'm just reading Divine Sex: Liberating Sex From Religious Tradition. It's about what the Bible ACTUALLY says about sex, what is and isn't a "sin". Very interesting and educational.
there are lots more books and articles linked on my blog (link to that is in my signature).

You're very "young" in this exploration. It's perfectly reasonable to have fears and concerns. The best method of dealing with fear and concern is to face it through research and education.

[SirLurksAlot]

Thought I'd jump in here and ask a question.

In regards to:

Originally Posted by nycindie

Why do you think your husband's secondary, if she goes along with that kind of hierarchical labeling, wouldn't have other lovers to satisfy her other needs as well? You seem to think in terms of only a woman who lives with you two as a third, but there are all kinds of possibilities and configurations. ... If you did engage in a poly tangle, why would you think her life outside of what she has with you two would be empty and devoid of satisfaction from anything else? Wouldn't you want to be involved with someone who is stable, happy, and NOT co-dependent or focused solely on your relationship as the be-all and end-all?

I'm curious how this would work. I have very little experience in the lifestyle like the OP but I was of the opinion that a closed relationship would be more appealing then an open relationship. The latter would be far to much like a swinging lifestyle, at least on the thirds side. I myself am paranoid about STD and such ilk, not to mention the confusion that could arise if another one of her partners were to get her pregnant, etc.

Wouldn't it be far better and appealing to more people to have a triad, and only a triad? I don't believe the type of person we're after would be looking for a couple and additional relationships on the side. I also don't see how a woman already in a serious relationship could be interested in another couple without the husband/boyfriend wishing to join in as well?

As I said i'm new to the lifestyle and as such haven't had the chance to go to any clubs, meetings, groups, or other organizations and figure out what people are aiming for but I was of the opinion that more people were still interested in fidelity then an open style relationship.

I have also heard that fours are not a strong style of relationship, inevitably the second pair will split off. Is that true? It seems like an ideal fix to the situation would be to have a MFMF group, but according to what I've found via the interwebs it's not as strong.

I would love some comments on this, I realize it's a bit confusing and mixed as I'm a terrible typer and have incredibly mixed thoughts in my head but I hope it's mostly understandable.

[LovingRadiance]

Actually-there are as many personalities and preferences as their are people.

I personally prefer to limit myself to just my two.
My boyfriend is mono, so obviously he prefers to limit himself to one.
Maca has another lady friend-she has several lovers of her own.

It seems to me that if you're talking about a situation where everyone is poly but more than one of them are heterosexual, a foursome would be better than a triad... ;0)

Also-I've seen many situation arise on here where people flat did not want to have a poly-fi (closed) dynamic. they wanted to retain the fluidity of being free to take on a new lover at will.

Ironically-the fear of STD's being totally legitimate, I've encountered MUCH more risk (due to people not even wanting to discuss much less consider using precautions) in the "mono" world than I have in the poly world.


Edited to add:

AND there is always the possibility that a couple could take on a lover who was also the lover to a second couple. So picture Couple-lover-Couple, neither couple is involved with one another, but the lover in the middle is involved in both on a more "part time" basis.....

Lots of options, only the imagination can limit.