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  #11  
Old 03-06-2011, 01:06 PM
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Indie, so did I think I was single. I'm not sure what to call myself now.

The thing is, coming from a small-ish country, I try to keep details of my personal dating live to an absolute minimum in what comes to genders, home towns etc. on this forum, and try not to post about people I haven't asked beforehand if it's okay for them to appear in my rants.

However, this didn't start out as dating. We met entirely accidentally, hit it off, became friends and now it appears have graduated into the muddy waters of romantic friendship.

Situation update: wife knows. She is feeling very insecure. I don't blame her. Personally, I think NRE is like a bus-load of shit that hits you in the face unawares, transforming you from a perfectly nice and sane individual into something way darker. The last thing I want is to foist my bus-load onto someone else.

I see three options where it can go from here.
1) She tells me to get the hell away.
2) She says it's me or her.
3) She wants to talk, vents some of her anger, tells me I'm an absolute shit-head and then wants to go get a beer together.
(4) She is super-excited, wants a secondary of her very own and we all collapse into a happy poly bundle. This is the fantasy la-la-land option, but I wanted to put it here anyway to make me feel better.)

I'm letting my contact info out there so she can communicate if and when she wants, don't want to butt myself in.
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  #12  
Old 03-06-2011, 04:17 PM
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Unicorn, your issues with the partner of the guy you are interested in is what make (potential) triads so scary to me.

I've had so many female platonic friends whose husbands were douches (more conservative than their wives, or less respectful, or arrogant, or bad communicators, etc etc). I've had a few male friends whose wives I could barely stand, or who just bored me.

So, in a potential romantic situation, I feel that there is a minefield there. Sure, the couple might get along great, and viewing their love might give you warm fuzzy feelings. But it seems so rare that you will love both of the couple equally and that they will both also care about and desire you more or less equally. Sounds like the proverbial needle in a haystack rarity to me. If that is what you feel you need, I wish you luck on what will possibly be a long hard quest.
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  #13  
Old 03-06-2011, 04:25 PM
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Thanks for input, Magdlyn!

Just for the sake of clarity, what I have in my hands is a potential for a vee, not a triad. The couple I met online are separate individuals. One of the first advice I ever got on poly was not to get fixated on a particular relationship formation and let things happen naturally. I did expect having to date, get myself really into the poly circles, go over a few heart-aches and then maybe find a nice little triad or a vee situation for myself, with additional lovers and a steady primary.

What I did not expect is to get hit in the face with a couple transitioning (?) and with a metamour who probably hates my guts right now, having to ask her to find it in herself to share, and accepting that since I have made a royal mess of things, she has every right to refuse.
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  #14  
Old 03-06-2011, 04:29 PM
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Yeah, I had that happen more than once to me too. I was/am looking for poly guys. A couple times I got involved with married poly guys who were either less than truthful with me about their wives' feelings about poly, or fooling themselves about her enthusiasm for it, and having wishful thinking.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32
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  #15  
Old 03-06-2011, 04:36 PM
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I'm somewhat disappointed with myself for starting to slip from friend mode to a flirt mode with someone I knew full well wasn't in the life. Feeling slightly better to know all self-styled married polys might not be so poly after all, even if that is a bit of a hollow comfort.
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  #16  
Old 03-06-2011, 04:38 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
A couple times I got involved with married poly guys who were either less than truthful with me about their wives' feelings about poly, or fooling themselves about her enthusiasm for it, and having wishful thinking.
Yup, that's why I want multiple real good talks with her before going further with this. People see and hear what they want to, and in NRE people tend to have a 'love conquers all' mentality.

Did I mention I really hate NRE?
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  #17  
Old 03-06-2011, 07:19 PM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
What I did not expect is to get hit in the face with a couple transitioning (?)
Oops. Careful you don't get any in the eyes.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
A couple times I got involved with married poly guys who were either less than truthful with me about their wives' feelings about poly, or fooling themselves about her enthusiasm for it, and having wishful thinking.
I hate that...makes it much harder for the rest of us to be trusted on dating sites and the like.

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Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
People see and hear what they want to, and in NRE people tend to have a 'love conquers all' mentality.
This makes me wonder for a moment who the real unicorns might be...the HBB's? Or is it actually just couple who is genuinely ready and able to form a triad with one?



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Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
Did I mention I really hate NRE?
You're not the only one...
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  #18  
Old 03-07-2011, 12:44 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
Yup, that's why I want multiple real good talks with her before going further with this. People see and hear what they want to, and in NRE people tend to have a 'love conquers all' mentality.

Did I mention I really hate NRE?
Unicorn, coming from the perspective of the "wife" or "primary" I hope I can ease your anxiety a little bit. I know that in my own trainwreck situation if my husband's love had told me up front (or almost) that she didn't want things to progress any farther without me being onboard, that would have meant a LOT to me. Now my husband should have told me anyway, but we have our own situation that is different from yours.

NRE can really throw a wrench into just about any relationship, can't it? I am recognizing this big time.

Anyway, my point is really that you have done just what you should and I certainly hope for your sake that this ends with a big bed full of snuggly people.
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  #19  
Old 03-10-2011, 08:13 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Default How to help my metamour?

Thank you, Lady, and I feel you might have already answered my question, but I will put it out there still.

My metamour is in a really bad place now. My prospective partner says it's something they'll have to fix together. The wife is considerably less into polyamory - this has come up before, prior to me.

How do I keep from butting my big head in and micro-managing their relationship? I do love her, and hate to hear she is hurting. I would not take things back if I could, because this is something they would have had to deal with at some time - if it hadn't been me, it would have been someone else. But how to make her see it's not that she is loved any less, but the exact opposite is occurring?
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  #20  
Old 03-11-2011, 09:10 AM
bella123456 bella123456 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post

My metamour is in a really bad place now. My prospective partner says it's something they'll have to fix together. The wife is considerably less into polyamory - this has come up before, prior to me.

How do I keep from butting my big head in and micro-managing their relationship? I do love her, and hate to hear she is hurting. I would not take things back if I could, because this is something they would have had to deal with at some time - if it hadn't been me, it would have been someone else. But how to make her see it's not that she is loved any less, but the exact opposite is occurring?
I hear you. I don't have time to offer much more at present....but, yes..I think I understand the position you may be in. I've been there too..

Can you step back for a second and get some perspective ? I'm not sure of the intricacies that may already be present..

Wish I could write a bit more...perhaps later..
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