Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 03-05-2011, 06:14 PM
ImaginaryIllusion's Avatar
ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,921
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by whatamIdoing View Post
Thanks for the post... not sure how to take it but I feel like the bad guy here.
I hope it wasn't anything I said...I was mostly reflecting on the dialog in general. Not so much your specific circumstance.

Quote:
Originally Posted by whatamIdoing View Post
My husband says he can't be poly but he means I can't be poly and he wants his friends.... and that's not fair.
That'd be more what I was looking at...and I'd agree....seems a little hypocritical doesn't it.
__________________
“People who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it.” - Chinese Proverb

-Imaginary Illusion

How did I get here & Where am I going?
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 03-05-2011, 06:16 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
Custodian
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: new england
Posts: 3,221
Default

Maybe your husband just needs to be by himself for a little while and figure things out. It's probably a good thing for you two to have a break from each other. Try not to feel as though the rest of your life has to be decided this weekend. Give things a chance to work themselves out. It's hard to see how things could do that when you're in the middle of it all. Don't make any decisions that you can't take back during this time.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 03-05-2011, 06:34 PM
whatamIdoing's Avatar
whatamIdoing whatamIdoing is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: maryland
Posts: 145
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
Maybe your husband just needs to be by himself for a little while and figure things out. It's probably a good thing for you two to have a break from each other. Try not to feel as though the rest of your life has to be decided this weekend. Give things a chance to work themselves out. It's hard to see how things could do that when you're in the middle of it all. Don't make any decisions that you can't take back during this time.
that's what I'm hoping and what he thinks. thankfully he can stay at his folks house at least through april alone to figure out things... we are talking often

we've set up tuesday lunch dates so we can talk and work on the marriage.

he's offered to stay with my dogs when i go to visit J which is above and beyond the call of duty in my eyes... but I appreciate it....

my daughter and i had it out this morning so she and he bf packed up and left as well... now it's just me for a while....

my entire life since thursday has changed.

I'm currently separated. (while my state does not allow legal separations we are apart)
i am currently childless

i now have a Long Distance boyfriend...

and to Mono... I owe you an apology... it's rather clear now to me (and it was to DH all along) that J is a Cowboy.. the minute DH was out of the house he ramped up his behavior and declared us a couple....
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 03-05-2011, 07:11 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,063
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by whatamIdoing View Post
it's rather clear now to me (and it was to DH all along) that J is a Cowboy.. the minute DH was out of the house he ramped up his behavior and declared us a couple....
But you are a couple, aren't you? You're in two couples, one with DH and one with J. Why does his having said that make him a cowboy? (he may be for other reasons, though)
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 03-05-2011, 07:21 PM
whatamIdoing's Avatar
whatamIdoing whatamIdoing is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: maryland
Posts: 145
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
But you are a couple, aren't you? You're in two couples, one with DH and one with J. Why does his having said that make him a cowboy? (he may be for other reasons, though)
J is lonely and has no primary. the best I could do for him as a married woman long distance was be there part time and not be available to him full time as needed. He knew this and part of our goal was to find him a primary. As things with DH deteriorated J ramped up his behavior (seeking me out more and more impinging on my time at home, pushing B to the edge with his declarations "N and I are together; at least part time" and "we care about each other") the hot second B left the house, J immediately added all our mutual friends to his skype account.. started talking about coming down here, taking me to the group events we go to as his partner not as B's partner... the instantaneous feeling of "now you are my responsibility and I get to take care of you" was overwhelming.

he immediately contacted (with my knowledge) my best friend and said "well since YOU are local I need you to help me take care of her and make sure she eats enough".... (with my WLS I tend to eat very little and my weight is dropping too low)

his comments to me are "i need to make lists of your friends and family so I can learn them, they are now part of my life too" tells me he just was waiting to have a "real life" with me... not just be on the fringes of my life...

his comment to me about what he did in January the whole spontaneous "get your ass up here saturday night please" statement was "i knew I was going to lose you and I could not risk that, I knew what I was doing" goes along with the comments about "i knew there would be strings attached, there are always strings attached, I knew it from the beginning"... and then he admitted he loved me.... that was because he knew B has always said "i will step aside for him if he ever says he loves you"... he took advantage of B's inability to love himself...
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 03-05-2011, 08:13 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,633
Default

oh dear whatamIdoing...
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 03-05-2011, 09:18 PM
whatamIdoing's Avatar
whatamIdoing whatamIdoing is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: maryland
Posts: 145
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
oh dear whatamIdoing...

i know.

thanks.

I feel like all if it is my fault... and it's NOT.... but I still feel that way...

I feel hammered and beaten... and yet strangely relieved.

sadly most of our (mine and B's) close friends know J and think I'm the evil one here... why can't I give J up and make B happy.... like a knife in my heart.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
choices, choosing, journal, marriage

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 10:28 PM.