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Old 03-04-2011, 07:02 AM
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Mahogany Mahogany is offline
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Default Stay and grow, or run for the hills????

My husband recently asked for an open marriage after admitting he had a mistress. I am working on forgiving him, and have agreed to working towards a poly relationship with his secondary.

I hurt deeply....I manage to push it away and forget about it, but it come back strong periodically throughout the day. I feel like I am in mourning.....like I am slowly healing from a great loss.

I want my monogamy back...but I like her and I don't want her out of MY life completely....this is so weird. This is how I feel genuinely on my own about my husband's secondary. She is very loving to me, very caring, very giving.

I tell my husband about my pain, I cry to him from time to time....he asks me what is it that hurts me? What is it that I cannot do?

But with the boundaries set the way they are I CAN do this.....the agreement is that our poly will ALWAYS and ONLY include her WITH me and him. That if she is to be with him sexually or otherwise....I need to be involved and present as well and comfortable. I like this a lot, and am comfortable with this.....we have had sex together the 3 of us (I hope I don't offend anyone by stating that)...we three have been on dates, and she has spent the night at our house....


I get jealous at times when they show affection to each other, but at other times it doesn't bother me at all....

When she is around me I feel good, and I feel loving and companionship and happiness and a strong connection with her. But when she is away I dread her return We have argued twice regarding our feelings, etc. But we have managed to re-connect despite it.

If I can grow and heal, I can see the benefits and happiness in it. Sometimes (when I think of her) I just want to hug her, and greet her with a kiss (not like a girlfriend, but like a sister).....but there is a part of me that gets so mad and hurt by her presence.

I feel love for her in her absence, but in her presence I feel hate (sometimes)...

QUESTIONS
If this is all true then why do I hurt???
Has anyone went through this, or have a partner go through this???
Is this normal growing pains, or red flags that I can't do this at all???

Does it sound like I CAN do this and I just need time to adjust???? Or should I run for the hills???

Last edited by Mahogany; 03-04-2011 at 07:10 AM.
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Old 03-04-2011, 09:07 AM
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FlameKat FlameKat is offline
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My two cents:

you are grieving over the loss of what you thought your future was (you and your husband... just the two of you)...

you are probably rather angry and hurt and betrayed by the fact he had a mistress and was therefore cheating on you... and grieving over the loss of your image of your past relationship with your husband...

all the while enjoying and adjusting to the new relationship you are all enjoying and developing further together...

give yourself a break, its all new, its hard and its going to be a bumpy road... you dont have to be perfect.... it sounds like you are doing really really well actually and I admire the strength you obviously have to be where you are today and sound so positive there are plenty on here in the same spot - and nowhere near the peace you seem to enjoy on occasion

hugs and welcome
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Old 03-04-2011, 11:53 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mahogany View Post
I want my monogamy back...but I like her and I don't want her out of MY life completely....this is so weird. This is how I feel genuinely on my own about my husband's secondary. She is very loving to me, very caring, very giving.
It's not weird. Read up on compersion, a neo-term coined to describe the opposite feeling to jealousy.

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Originally Posted by Mahogany View Post
I like this a lot, and am comfortable with this.....we have had sex together the 3 of us (I hope I don't offend anyone by stating that)
People here are not famous for their judgmental attitudes towards group sex.

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Originally Posted by Mahogany View Post
I get jealous at times when they show affection to each other, but at other times it doesn't bother me at all....
Jealous for him, for her, or both?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mahogany View Post
When she is around me I feel good, and I feel loving and companionship and happiness and a strong connection with her. But when she is away I dread her return We have argued twice regarding our feelings, etc. But we have managed to re-connect despite it.
Sounds like you talk. Talk more. Explain why you have these conflicting feelings about her. She might be going through the same thing.

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Originally Posted by Mahogany View Post
If I can grow and heal, I can see the benefits and happiness in it. Sometimes (when I think of her) I just want to hug her, and greet her with a kiss (not like a girlfriend, but like a sister).....but there is a part of me that gets so mad and hurt by her presence.

I feel love for her in her absence, but in her presence I feel hate (sometimes)...
It sounds like ambivalence. From the psychology I've read, normal healthy relationships involve ambivalent emotions. You have a lot of unresolved issues with her and your husband, you're hurting, and still, you don't hate her as a person, and don't really believe she is evil through and through. Wham! Ambivalence.

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Originally Posted by Mahogany View Post
If this is all true then why do I hurt???
Because you have been wronged, your life and what you imagined it to be have been turned upside down basically overnight, the two people who did this to you are happy to be able to be together openly at last and have a hard time sympathizing with you... Just a few suggestions.

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Originally Posted by Mahogany View Post
Does it sound like I CAN do this and I just need time to adjust???? Or should I run for the hills???
Nobody can and more importantly, nobody has the right to tell if you can do this or not. Whatever you do, you do it for yourself, and need to face the consequences. In your situation, there are no easy choices, but it's still all very new, I think.
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Old 03-05-2011, 03:18 AM
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Originally Posted by Mahogany View Post
But with the boundaries set the way they are I CAN do this.....the agreement is that our poly will ALWAYS and ONLY include her WITH me and him. That if she is to be with him sexually or otherwise....I need to be involved and present as well and comfortable. I like this a lot, and am comfortable with this.....we have had sex together the 3 of us (I hope I don't offend anyone by stating that)...we three have been on dates, and she has spent the night at our house....

QUESTIONS
If this is all true then why do I hurt???
Has anyone went through this, or have a partner go through this???
Is this normal growing pains, or red flags that I can't do this at all???

Does it sound like I CAN do this and I just need time to adjust???? Or should I run for the hills???
It sounds like there is some light. I am so glad for you...

The first paragraph I quoted is a red flag to me... minor one, but something to be aware of just the same. I underlined the parts I wish to address.

It is not the best idea, speaking from my experience, to set anything in stone. It is likely that your man will wander again and will go through many changes in his life with poly. As will you, now that you are aware of it. After all, the nature of poly is that one loves many. No one has any idea on where that love will come from. With monogamy it comes from loving one person, but that can fail and both parties can move on to loving others. In poly, relationships don't end very often, they morph into something else as new lovers come along and while people sometimes go by the way side as the natural course, there is very little need for a break up when new people come into our lives to love. It is likely that holding to this promise of ALWAYS and ONLY will become a constraint at some point... (read my blog in the last 6 weeks and you will see).

In poly you can and often do, create what works for you. The rules are thrown out the window and whatever works for those involved is what is the path... changeable path. Please don't think you can mono-ize your poly husband. Its dangerous and unfair. He himself has said that he has loved many women over the years... that is likely to continue... let it and embrace it. It is what makes him special.

As for the sex. That is also a red flag. Please consider that they will not want you around all the time until their dying day. It just isn't realistic or fair ... again, monoizing a poly relationship. You could enjoy sexy times with them both, but it is important that they have their own time and you have your own time with him.... and her as friends or otherwise. Privacy in relationships is so important and necessary. Security and trust depend on it for the long term I think.

If you are to make this work for the long haul, then I suggest letting go of what you think should be the rules and see where the flow takes you all. I know you are still in pain and it is okay to have these compromises right now. You need that right now. They are likely very concerned for you and want you to be loved as much as possible. This is a huge gift from them and one that you should cherish I think... after a time, start giving them the gift of privacy, "compersion (do a tag search for this)," and trust with your heart. Take your time, ask them for what you need and be considerate to their needs. You are just as important as they are in this respect..... creating a wall around your life is not an option any more if he is poly.

Give them their freedom when you are ready... they are going at your pace right now. That is a good thing. It sounds like you are doing the work needed to make this work for you all. Good for you!

Have you read here yet? Please, I urge you too. You are not alone. There is no need to ask if this is all normal. If you read in the "New to Poly" section alone you will see almost every thread is the same as yours in some way.... please read and search on here and elsewhere. I highly encourage that for all of you... That is what this forum is for as much as expressing what goes on for us.
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Old 03-05-2011, 10:47 AM
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Redpepper- I first want to apologize in advance. My anger is not directed to you at all....I hope you understand.

I will NEVER respect their betrayal-relationship If they need/want alone time.....they can have it....they are two grow people, I can't stop them....but they will NEVER have my blessing or support of it

I suffered postpartum (moderate case) after my babies were born. I was left at home with TWO....TWO infants.....while they were out screwing, laughing and loving He spent time with her and HER kids....no time with me and his new-borns As a woman, how could she even do it???? As a mother how could she have done what she did???? I have a deep deep hate for her because of this

She knew everything about us....she admitted it, she even hoped i would leave him when I found out about their affair....
I use to beg him not to leave me, having NO idea what he was up to, I explained my anxiety etc. But most-always he left me anyways Left me to be with her I hate him for that, and I am working really hard to forgive him, but I LOVE him. I don't love her like that, so you can only imagine what it is going to take to even begin to think about forgiving her

I know my hate towards her is a bit unfair....but life isn't fair at all right...because if it was I wouldn't be going through this....maybe it isn't unfair, a woman sleeping with a married man , knowing all the while her actions could destroy our family....what about my babies and their need for their father (what type of woman could be so selfish???)


Poly seems so wonderful....and in the future. When we do it the right way...I will give it my all to respect him and his other's time and relationship needs. But not HER with him. I will not....

If they want to be alone, they can go right ahead. It will hurt, but I will NOT be a part of it in the end. Why should I care about their well-being when they never considered mine....during a very fagile time in my life

I hate everything she represents


Again Redpepper...please KNOW that I genuine love your replies and support. You are truly a wonderfully intelligent being. Please continue to be honest with me and communicate. But I want to return to favor through my honesty in hopes I will not offend you xox

Last edited by Mahogany; 03-05-2011 at 10:51 AM.
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Old 03-05-2011, 10:59 AM
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FlameKat - you are so right ....I am mourning the loss of my husband...or at least the man I thought I married. At the same time I am happy I know, because we know each other and have a much stronger connection now

I hope when I am done mourning, a greater love emerges from within me for him and poly....that is my prayer.

Unicorn - My jealousy is for him, not her (I don't want her) although she is a nice person (or is tricky enough to have me believe she is)....she wants my husband and even hoped I would leave him when I found out about them....how messed up is that? A home-wrecker is what she to me most of the time

The words ambivalence and compersion I need to look into. Thank you for sharing your knowledge and wisdom

I have a lot of thinking and resolving to do huh? I hope I didn't upset you with my reply xox
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Old 03-05-2011, 11:15 AM
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Sounds a lot like you need some time out... I would hope your husband respects your relationship enough to give it to you - to me given the huge differentials in your posts... you NEED him to (for a defined period) give you and your relationship absolute precedence... particularly if this woman is to remain your metamour...

You are absolutely entitled to time and space to adjust, and have every right to ask for boundaries that SUIT YOU... not them... (again with a defined period). If that goes to the extreme that he isn't to see her for a time - then that is fine... whatever it is that YOU NEED to deal with the losses you are feeling, and then start moving forward together at your pace.

Good luck Sorry you are feeling so much pain and anger, it truly sounds like he is not handling this very well, even if he is being compassionate - he is NOT giving you the time and space from her/attention from him that you obviously need to deal with this situation.
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Old 03-05-2011, 12:55 PM
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Originally Posted by Mahogany View Post

I suffered postpartum (moderate case) after my babies were born. I was left at home with TWO....TWO infants.....while they were out screwing, laughing and loving He spent time with her and HER kids....no time with me and his new-borns As a woman, how could she even do it???? As a mother how could she have done what she did???? I have a deep deep hate for her because of this

She knew everything about us....she admitted it, she even hoped i would leave him when I found out about their affair....
This really makes me angry for you. Twin babies and you're having PPD and he's off with his secret mistress?

And now you've found out she wanted him to leave you for her. In the poly world we call that a cowgirl. It's the height of immorality. (She might still wish for him to leave you.)

I don't blame you at all for feeling ambivalent. It takes a while for trust to rebuild after a betrayal like that.
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Old 03-05-2011, 02:50 PM
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This really makes me angry for you. Twin babies and you're having PPD and he's off with his secret mistress?
This!!! I've got HUGE problems with anyone who runs off leaving a PPD mom to fend for herself and the babies. Babies have died and men have been put in jail for such neglect. Sorry, don't mean to make it worse, but there are bigger problems here than just that he fell in love with someone else. I think this situation needs some professional help.
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Old 03-05-2011, 07:19 PM
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Good morning FlameKat, Magdlyn, SNeacail, Redpepper, Black Unicorn

I hope you all had a restful night

Yeah, it is sad what happened. I wonder if he was having issues of his own trying to adjust to it all? He seemed to have been running, or maybe just not knowledgeable about it.....he just seemed to lack understanding.....or maybe I am making excuses for him.

We have talk about it, and he says we was not ALWAYS with her....he also participated in other recreations.....I guess basketball, football, baseball, and hanging out with friends, as well as her (on top of school and work). She seems to have been a piece of the reasons behind his absences. But because it hurt me so bad....I tend to focus on the piece more than the others. My bad

He has greatly reduced this other relationship, in hopes that we can re-grow our connection. He has been giving to me and is now sacrificing.... He has genuinely expressed that he wants me, loves me, and will fight to restore and undo the hurt.....I have asked him to go (never really wanting to loose him, only wanting to loose the pain) He only embraces me and says he loves me too much and knows he has so much more happiness to give me......I am sorry this has turned into a bash on him.....but I ONLY speak the truth about our past....in hopes you all understand me and my growth in the process.

I now know he does love me, because he could have LEFT me and started anew with her. She often asked he to choose, no matter how she tries to paint as though she was on my side during their betrayal.....I am NOT stupid

She has apologized numerous times for her part in it....and has been respectful enough to be honest about her wrong in her wishing I had just left him......but fact that she is a cowgirl bothers me.


How can she go from WANTING him for herself.....to wanting to share him with me????? She is also single, living at home alone with her children. How could she be ok with being alone more often than being with him????


She has asked him things...."Who does he love more?" and things along those lines...."Who is he going to choose to be with?" etc.....

He has explained to her that he will not be a part of her household the way she needs and that she needs to date in hopes to find her own primary....but she tells me she cannot do it, because she is mono and her heart is with him

How is her being our metamour alone going to be enough for her???? How is she going to get what she needs????? This bothers me too.

Last edited by Mahogany; 03-05-2011 at 07:24 PM.
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