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  #1  
Old 03-03-2011, 03:31 PM
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whatamIdoing whatamIdoing is offline
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Unhappy Why Can't I love both of them?

well I can. But they can't handle it...

I love my DH
I love J

Both DH and J have said they love me and NEITHER wants to share.


damn it all to hell... I can do this and they can't.
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  #2  
Old 03-03-2011, 04:12 PM
lovemultiplied lovemultiplied is offline
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Hmm... Neither wants to share.... So how does that work? Sounds frustratingly complex...and I wish you luck!
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Old 03-03-2011, 05:09 PM
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It sounds like a clear case of choosing one or the other...or none.

Maybe it's time to try to look at this with pure logic.

Write it all down on paper. Two columns: One for each man. Write down the areas of your life they have influence in and the impact if they are no longer around.

One of them will have more impact. So "logically" one will be the choice...BUT...relationships defy logic quite often. Will you make a choice?

You are in the classic Hollywood situation; two men, one woman, one choice.
You are in two mono/poly relationships.
You have a "cowboy" in your midst as well. J, who doesn't want to share with your primary is a classic Cowboy...not a negative thing..just an observation.

Good luck my friend
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Old 03-03-2011, 06:23 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lovemultiplied View Post
Hmm... Neither wants to share.... So how does that work? Sounds frustratingly complex...and I wish you luck!

it's not easy right now.
I feel like stretch armstrong...

it's not working for DH and J well he's taking what we can get... and letting me lead the way... he wants someone to come home to and I can't be that person even IF I was not married to DH... we live in different states... I can't move... he won't move... so it's not even an option for us to be full time... at this point.

The truth is DH says to me that he will not ask me to give up J because he does not want to give up his "friend".... so I'm basically being an evil bitch and doing what I want.
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Old 03-03-2011, 06:25 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
It sounds like a clear case of choosing one or the other...or none.

Maybe it's time to try to look at this with pure logic.

Write it all down on paper. Two columns: One for each man. Write down the areas of your life they have influence in and the impact if they are no longer around.

One of them will have more impact. So "logically" one will be the choice...BUT...relationships defy logic quite often. Will you make a choice?

You are in the classic Hollywood situation; two men, one woman, one choice.
You are in two mono/poly relationships.
You have a "cowboy" in your midst as well. J, who doesn't want to share with your primary is a classic Cowboy...not a negative thing..just an observation.

Good luck my friend

ah if only it was Logical. I am NOT Spock... sadly.

I think I am going to let the choice be made. I am going to choose not to choose at this point.

J never set out to be a cowboy... DH never set out to be poly... I never thought I was but clearly I am... J I think if he had a primary he could to some extent do it....

thanks for the well wishes... I need all the help I can get.
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  #6  
Old 03-04-2011, 09:28 PM
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UPDATE:

My DH moved out last night saying "you can't love two people" and I said

"I can and I do" DH said "well I can't"


J and I TRIED to explain this to him. J told him "I can easily understand how she can love two people I can love more than one..." so J clearly is on board with this. He and I are currently waiting to see what my DH does. WE are hoping he will come around... but he says I am ripping his heart out and killing him and he lost his marriage.

YET, he can't give up his lady friends and he called me a whore last night... and was screaming at me inches from my face. He's always been a bit dramatic and he's been manipulative... and I'm not backing down.

J is backing me. and we will continue on as a couple right now...

should my DH wish to return to OUR life, we will welcome him back and continue to seek a local partner for J to have should this occur... otherwise J and I will be just us for a while...
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Old 03-04-2011, 09:34 PM
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Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that! At least you have J to help you through this, but I know it's rough. Your hubby has flip-flopped back and forth so many times, maybe he will come around again. But such a roller-coaster for you!

Odd that you two were swingers before, and he's got another squeeze, but now he calls you a whore for loving another beside him. I've never understood the swinger mindset, but something is not getting through to him. I don't recall if he's in therapy, but it might help to start that, if he's not. Maybe it would help you, too.

I hope you and DH keep talking and trying to work it out. Has he ever come here to read this forum? Might also be helpful for him.

((((HUGS))))
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  #8  
Old 03-04-2011, 10:05 PM
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Thank you Cindie.

I am in therapy. and it's not my first shot at it.
he just started on his own for the first time ever.

I see him now for being that manipulative, angry man that hates himself. I can't fix that.

I realize that while i did NOT leave DH FOR J... and had DH dealt with the situation I would have stayed with both... J has given me a strength to be brave enough to hopefully make the bad behavior stop.

I can now let them both know about this forum but i would prefer to move my blog.... so i have to figure out how to get that done.
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  #9  
Old 03-04-2011, 10:42 PM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
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I'm sorry that you're going through some rough stuff right now.

Quote:
Originally Posted by whatamIdoing View Post
UPDATE:
My DH moved out last night saying "you can't love two people"
and I said "I can and I do"
DH said "well I can't"
This kind of thing is throwing my mind for a loop at the moment. I've seen it come up repeatedly...
I suppose I can understand why people project their own view's and opinions into their mates...at least until there's a big enough disagreement to finally come to the realization that no matter how close a couple is, they are not the same people.
This is a classic example...an not alone by any stretch....

But what get's me is that for all the importance that people have attached to the relationship with their mate, child, whomever, that they have so much trouble tearing away from the ideal that they would rather sacrifice their loved one...especially when the ideal isn't one that needs to affect them.

If a child comes out as homosexual/atheist/Habs Fan, how does a parent choose some abstract principle/church/Leafs over their blood? Especially when the child isn't asking the parent to BE homosexual/etc, just accept them and love them.

If a mate comes out as poly, and isn't necessarily asking the other spouse to follow suit, it baffles me that people can choose to cast aside a considerable portion of their lifetime so quickly...even if not easily. It shouldn't matter if he can't love more than one, if he still loves you. So much for the pipe dream.

I can understand the disbelief, the hurt, feelings of betrayal, jealousy, the threat of the unknown. I understand where they come from, and how they can make us all behave badly if we let them get the better of us.

But today I just can't fathom why people would chose that angst/anger/negativity over those that we love.

Food for thought...snack time.
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  #10  
Old 03-05-2011, 06:07 PM
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Thanks for the post... not sure how to take it but I feel like the bad guy here.


I feel like the selfish one that I can't deny my feelings to keep my spouse happy.

Even my MIL who was told the WHOLE story by my DH sees my POV... and is not taking sides.

DH and I are talking a lot and trying to figure this out... I think he left because he wants some time to himself to figure out what or who he wants.

we profess to love each other and we do... so now I have to figure out how to cope with this.....

i've cried many tears in the last few days...

and to make it worse my stepdaughter (who i have raised for 8 years) has told me "you know what to do to get daddy back just do it"... and she has NO CLUE why I feel the way I do.

My husband says he can't be poly but he means I can't be poly and he wants his friends.... and that's not fair.
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