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  #11  
Old 09-09-2009, 08:19 PM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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Originally Posted by DarkHorseJ27 View Post
It used to be I'd just take it, but after her cheating I won't put up with anything too big or too stupid. Before that we had talked about it a lot. She is learning, just slowly.
What you wrote here indicates to me that she is in control of her behaviours, to some extent at least. When you drew the line and said you wouldn't put up with anything too loud or too stupid, she modified her behaviour.

Is it possible that it's time for you to set the bar higher?

After all, we teach people how to treat us. Perhaps she needs an advanced course in how to treat YOU.
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  #12  
Old 09-09-2009, 08:59 PM
Libre2Love Libre2Love is offline
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Default Do we have the same parents???

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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
My parents have a similar dynamic and it has gone on my whole life. Frankly I'm absolutely sick of it. My Dad is a wonderful, rational, heart felt, grounded and always positive man. He has stood by my mum's side for years and years and put up with her whining, negativity, and blow ups when things don't go her way. He has sacrificed a lot to see her happy. He thinks he can make her happy and that she will be happy. I told him recently (because of the big blow out we just had ... see the thread on that if you want details... "redpepper needing support") that she never will as she has never works on her misery.

She has never had counseling or had any medication. Not that I am a big fan of medications, but she comes from a long line of depressed women (something I am fighting tooth and nail not to become!) and could use the boost with lots of counseling to get anywhere. She is in her 60's now and it has been their dynamic way too long I fear. I can't imagine they would know what to do with themselves if they actually changed and grew!
Redpepper, I can relate completely. I'm sick of it too and really don't put up with it any longer. It's their life and they have to lead it the way they choose; without my involvement in the drama.
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  #13  
Old 09-09-2009, 10:18 PM
OneSoul OneSoul is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Wowzers. She sounds like a drama queen. I'm sure you love her dearly but geesh, a bit self centered and a bit of princess no? You are a patient man. I'd be long gone.

Careful that you don't play into the whole thing too much. You do have YOU to think about. It's not okay for her to think that you exist for her benefit. What kind of quality of life will you have....

My parents have a similar dynamic and it has gone on my whole life. Frankly I'm absolutely sick of it. My Dad is a wonderful, rational, heart felt, grounded and always positive man. He has stood by my mum's side for years and years and put up with her whining, negativity, and blow ups when things don't go her way. He has sacrificed a lot to see her happy. He thinks he can make her happy and that she will be happy. I told him recently (because of the big blow out we just had ... see the thread on that if you want details... "redpepper needing support") that she never will as she has never works on her misery.

She has never had counseling or had any medication. Not that I am a big fan of medications, but she comes from a long line of depressed women (something I am fighting tooth and nail not to become!) and could use the boost with lots of counseling to get anywhere. She is in her 60's now and it has been their dynamic way too long I fear. I can't imagine they would know what to do with themselves if they actually changed and grew!

You are still both young. You can make those changes before it becomes a well trodden path. My husband says it's like cross country skiing (we live in Canada, can you tell?) you travel on a ski path often enough it becomes well established and worn. It becomes comfortable and easy to ski on. If the path is a good one then this is a good thing. If it is a path that isn't healthy then it is very hard to break the edge of it and ski in a new direction... still. It is possible.
Quote:
Originally Posted by DarkHorseJ27 View Post
Its the first time she has been that bad in a long time. She rarely approaches that bad anymore. It used to be I'd just take it, but after her cheating I won't put up with anything too big or too stupid. Before that we had talked about it a lot. She is learning, just slowly.
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Originally Posted by Libre2Love View Post
Redpepper, I can relate completely. I'm sick of it too and really don't put up with it any longer. It's their life and they have to lead it the way they choose; without my involvement in the drama.
It took me 7.5 years to understand that my ex was a drama queen.

I think the most primary element of insecurity comes from a childhood past (as was in the case of ex). Some abandonment issues from back then?

Sometimes people cheat to simple validate themselves in the absence of their primary.. or in the perceived absence of them or their love.

Thing to note here.. & in case of my ex & the wife of another gentleman here.. There is a sense of disbelief when you tell them you love them. A sense of non-deservedness. A sense of I will be abandoned because I am not good enough or worthy. So as a reaction, instead of being abandoned and feel the "lack" they'd rather take the "lack" & fill it up with another partner.

(Filling holes...)

She needs to love herself. Needs to be able to BE BY HERSELF without YOU HAVING TO BE THERE.. in HER TIME OF NEED.. EVERYTIME.. ALL THE TIME.

You should be there when you can. But that does not mean, when you're not there its okay for her to go INSANE.

In life, there are times we have to handle situations as they are, alone, with determination without support. That does not mean people dont love you. Just that some battles are there to test u alone.

These patterns are picked up in childhood.

Check out: Control Dramas from Celestine Prophecy.
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  #14  
Old 09-10-2009, 01:15 AM
DarkHorseJ27 DarkHorseJ27 is offline
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You are right, OneSoul. She learned this behavior in her childhood. Whenever she had a problem her parents tended not to listen. To get help or attention she had to make it their problem, and make it big enough for them to do something about it. It was the only method that worked in that enviroment. But know she has trouble breaking that pattern.
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  #15  
Old 09-10-2009, 01:43 AM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DarkHorseJ27 View Post
To get help or attention she had to make it their problem, and make it big enough for them to do something about it. It was the only method that worked in that enviroment.
May I respectfully point out that this behavior is still working for her? She is still using it to get your attention and help. My prediction, based on my own past experiences, is that she will continue to do so until this behavior no longer achieves her desired result.

If you would like her to change her behavior, first change your response to this current, undesirable behavior. When it no longer works for her, she'll try something else.
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  #17  
Old 09-15-2009, 01:54 AM
Karelia Karelia is offline
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I relate a lot to what OneSoul described. I am definitely dealing with a LOT of stuff from my childhood that our triad has sort of resurfaced for me. However, I am dealing with it. I don't expect them to solve it for me. I don't expect them to have the answers, though of course, if they have advice or thoughts that might help I welcome discussion.

However, at the end of the day only I can change. I can't change them, I can't make them "fix" me. I have to want it for myself, and I have to recognize that I NEED to do it for myself.

IF your wife has honestly said, I know this is about me and I want help, then there's hope. If you're telling her things and she is simply agreeing but not making much effort, that's another story.

From what you've shared, it does sound like she is trying. You two are so young... I met my husband at 22, and I was WAY more screwed up then. I spent our first year of living together seeing behaviors in myself that threatened to sabotage the good thing I had... finally, I had love. It was scary, and yeah, I worried I didn't deserve it and he'd realize that. I can't tell you I don't still sometimes struggle with that, but when I do I give myself a good kick in the butt and remind myself that if I think he's amazing, why do I think he'd sell himself short in the wife department???

I would say that if she doesn't get therapy, there will be a LOT more struggle. I am not currently in therapy (my last therapist abandoned me - talk about being treated badly, ugh). However, I've had SO much of it that using the tools I've learned, some support from here and from friends and the love that my partners give me, I am able to (mostly) pull myself off the emotional edge and cope.

It won't be an easy road for her, and as a result, it won't be for you, either. But you clearly love her, which is good... because if she wants help, she will need to be able to lean on you and depend on you, and the WORST thing you could do would be to abandon her once she agrees to really start working on things. Decide if you can handle it before that, decide if she really wants to get better or if she just wants to feed off drama (sadly, some people do).

Good luck...
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