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Old 09-15-2009, 01:38 AM
Karelia Karelia is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 81
Default My (Our) Story

I am Kari. My husband and I have a girlfriend. Neither of them read or post on this forum, as this is where I go to sort through things, and they understand and respect this.

Here are the basics about Us.

T & I have been together since 1999. Our first year was extremely challenging. We were only 22 and neither of us was exactly looking for our life partners. However, I'd gotten to a point where I recognized that settling for second best was simply not something I would do, and when I met him, I knew. I knew he was the guy I wanted for the rest of my life. At the end of our second date, he told me NOT to fall in love with him because eventually he wanted to get married and I was the kind of woman he wanted to marry. It was a very confusing message, but the point he wanted to make was, "I'm not ready for that yet."

We struggled. He was very, very angry at women thanks to an unbelievably bad first girlfriend about whom he talked a LOT. I often felt I was competing with her ghost. We broke up a bunch of times, with the premise for this being "bad sex," while really that was just the excuse he used (not untrue, mind you) to escape the relationship he wasn't ready for. Ultimately, he saw what he was doing and we recommitted. I always believed the sex issue could be worked through, and it finally was... but the scars that it left on my heart were wounds that would be unintentionally and unexpectedly reopened when we met our girlfriend R.

Fast forward to this past February. After two years of infertility, I decided to call it quits. We found out not long after starting trying to knock me up that he has MS. After that, he was never as sure he should be a father... and I was tired of the heartbreak. I just didn't have it in me anymore.

We were playing in an online virtual world. We were testing our sexual boundaries. We'd be on the phone at our desks and using our avatars to explore things we'd NEVER have done in person. Well, we met our GF during one such experiment. I knew, very quickly, that she was special. I was terrified. We all thought each other "safe" because she'd been in triads before and had failed and no longer believed in closed triads as a result. She had other virtual lovers and a real-life GF (from one of the triads after the husband left). But her RL GF was a train wreck who treated her like crap. And we, against our will, found ourselves falling for her.

We were the sort who believed love was between two people. Gender was irrelevant. I've always been bi, but didn't think I could love a woman and my sexual encounters were limited to my childhood best friend and, at one point, she and her boyfriend wanted me involved (but they were swingers). I was, but to a very limited extent. Suffice it to say, for all intents and purposes, I was a "virgin" where girls were concerned.

Well, we broke all of our rules with R. Talked on the phone, met in person. Fell utterly and completely in love, and underwent a major paradigm shift as a result. She's never had a healthy relationship and has some major communication issues. I've had some insecurities (mostly related to sex, which I mentioned above) to work through, and also have had to adjust because I used to feel like the center of the universe with my husband and now I'm not.

But at the end of the day, we all love each other. I will do everything I can to make this work, and believe they will, too. We hope it will be enough.

We're poly-fi. The idea of another man touching me makes me sick to my stomach. As for another woman, I can't imagine anyone but her (not surprisingly, since she's the only one). My husband does not identify as poly. He recognizes our relationship as such, but feels that it is not about the label - it is about our GF and having fallen for her.

She was a most unexpected and wonderful surprise. I could never have imagined her. I could never unimagine her.
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