Help for an adulteress?
I have been in a traditional marriage for more than 20 years, to a man I dearly love. We have discussed polyamory many times over the last 20 years, but he is not sympathetic towards it. I am ashamed to admit that I have not been faithful, what's more I find I no longer desire hiim sexually. I feel a cheat asking you people for help, because I am not really in the right place. I am polyamorous, but only in spirit.
My problem is that someone with whom I had a wonderful loving friendship for more than 10 years and who was woven into my life in many different ways, both family and work related, totally altered the nature of our relationship several times in the last 3 years. He now seems to believe that friendship between us is not possible. I feel as though my heart has been torn out of my chest. I struggle to do anything and my children and husband are suffering because of that. I keep thinking that it will get better, but for the last year I have been dependent on anti-depressants and counselling, and I am still having periods when I wish I was dead. I don't want to tell my husband because I am 90% sure that he will leave me, and 100% sure that he will feel even worse than I do now. I guess this is a good reason not to have secret loves, but apart from that, does anyone have any advice on how o get through this?