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  #31  
Old 03-04-2011, 01:42 PM
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Question

Didn't I see somewhere that every year, there's actually a "Poly Pride Day" in New York City with a rally and all that jazz?? I wanna say it's in the fall....


Anyways, just getting something like that spreading to other cities would be interesting.
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  #32  
Old 03-04-2011, 05:36 PM
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My first thought was "Oh no". Here's why.

Quote:
What problems may come of it?
For me, realizing I was poly was a very individual thing. I knew it LONG before I began having non-monogamous relationships, but I was married and it hadn't been on the table.

What really sparked it for me was being true to myself. "I need this" or "I value these opportunities". It wasn't that I had a "safe place" - my home and social networks had, were and are safe. It was about being real with myself. The reason I was "in the closet" had nothing to do with the world around me, it was a matter of that internal dialogue.

Since establishing that I am poly, I make my relationship with myself first and foremost. I can't contribute to a relationship if I don't feel positive and worthy. My second priority is the respect and care of my partners. "Respect" means a lot of different things to different people. To respect my partner means I need to know them, share with them, learn from them. Everyone has boundaries but those boundaries are highly individual.

To me, EVERYTHING about poly is individualist in nature. My relationship with myself, my relationship with others, theirs with me. The synergy, of individuals working in concert, is AMAZING and SPECIAL to me. Ignoring the individual would lessen all of that for me.

So when I see the "Poly Leadership Summit" and "national coming out day", that seems like trying to build a "culture". And admittedly, we sort of have that (we do have out own lingo!).

I have no problem with pride. I certainly want people to feel comfortable being themselves. I DO have a problem however, when it becomes "a movement" or "a group". There's something about that seems... cheap to me.

The practical issues I have with that stem from that concept. I'm an anarchist who ALSO happens to be a political activist. I have NO problem with people grouping or labelling me either positively or negatively. But people WILL group and label and the easier it is for them to group and make assumptions about people, the easier that's going to get.

And aren't the reasons that SOME people feel uncomfortable being openly positive stem from the assumptions they think people have about it?

I've got a pretty vibrant, diverse, active poly community around me. We're all quite open about it and more people are admitting they're curious to see if that would work for them. People who know it's not are asking questions and enjoying listening into the conversations about poly dynamics. The reason we've built this is because we're all unique and individual.

First and foremost we're people. We present ourselves as people. We just also happen to be poly. I don't think we'd get the same reaction from the people around us if the FIRST thing that inspired them to notice us was "we're poly, oh, and we have lives too".
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  #33  
Old 03-04-2011, 08:40 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DrunkenPorcupine View Post
To me, EVERYTHING about poly is individualist in nature. My relationship with myself, my relationship with others, theirs with me. The synergy, of individuals working in concert, is AMAZING and SPECIAL to me. Ignoring the individual would lessen all of that for me.

So when I see the "Poly Leadership Summit" and "national coming out day", that seems like trying to build a "culture". And admittedly, we sort of have that (we do have out own lingo!).

I have no problem with pride. I certainly want people to feel comfortable being themselves. I DO have a problem however, when it becomes "a movement" or "a group".
^^THIS^^

I'm not an activist. I just want to live my life. I don't see people as polyamorous or monogamous, as in an orientation; I see relationships as being such. How I choose to conduct my relationships is not all of who I am. Now that I am dating, I do discuss polyamory with guys if it comes up, but I don't even see it necessary to use that word in talking about having multiple relationships. I don't really even care for the word polyamory. If I choose to live a certain way, and I'm a private person, I'll figure out whomever I wish to know that about me. Why should they care, anyway? I don't want to be in a movement, I want to be seen as an individual. It's bad enough I already get judged for my age, gender, nationality, etc. I'm not crazy about being categorized.

I think it's great when polyamorous relationships get positive coverage in the press and media, but what am I going to come out about? "Hello! I like to have more than one partner! I know how to love lots o' people!" So what? Who asked? It would feel like calling attention to myself in a boastful way. At least that's how it would seem for me.

I feel like I can touch others and effect change or bring about acceptance in society one person at a time, just by being comfortable with who I am and how I live, and letting people see that as I interact with them in my daily life -- not by jumping on a bandwagon.
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 03-04-2011 at 09:23 PM.
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  #34  
Old 03-05-2011, 12:07 AM
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While I appreciate and respect the "individualists" among us here, who fear large scale poly activism, and their expressed points of view, I want to register my complaint against this idea in its narrower formulations.

The first word that comes to mind is solidarity. Through cooperation and collaboration -- and activism -- various suppressed and oppressed minorities have historiclaly succeeded in changing social and cultural attitudes in the direction of more honesty and openness and visibility. And away from fear and contempt and hatered. An obvious example is that of the LGBT movement. And I don't think it is fair to those of us who think polyfolk share in a history of oppression and suppression to treat the subject too lightly. And we're treated too lightly when our concerns are brushed aside as if being
poly isn't at all like, say, being gay. Gay people, like other minorities, have won greater (though still insufficient) recognition and respect through large scale activism. That's nothing to be brushed aside lightly.
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  #35  
Old 03-05-2011, 12:36 AM
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I understand the need for awareness and bringing about more acceptance of polyamory in mainstream society. Personally, I don't treat the subject lightly, and I am not afraid of activism. I didn't mean to give that impression. Hell, I've marched in Washington for abortion rights when I was much younger. However, I feel now that living life as one chooses, rather than how society expects one to live, is also a form of activism. Quieter, yes, but activism still.

I can make my statement in a way that is right for me, with or without participation in rallies and parades and such. I don't begrudge others their form of activism, I just don't find it works for me. The reason I dislike the idea of a poly "movement" is that a movement then tends to place expectation on anyone who would lean in that direction, and the potential for being judged if not doing it "correctly," or along the lines of what the larger group deems to be the way to do it. I am me and struggling to be me is how I stake my claim in the world, but I don't see waving a banner as the way I should do it. That is all.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 03-05-2011 at 12:40 AM.
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  #36  
Old 03-05-2011, 10:06 PM
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I don't think the world is ready for a poly coming-out-day. To be perfectly honest. The groundwork is not laid. Ask a person on the street what they think of poly, and (if they know what the word means at all) they will likely tell you "it's an excuse to cheat." or "Sluts and whores." or "Why bother getting married if you're just going to fool around."

If there is little actual poly-bashing in the world, and if (compared to gays and lesbians) we have suffered little true hate crime leveled against us, it is only because our visibility has been real low and under the radar. That is changing slowly now, and I think that is a good thing, but I think that other events could well be more beneficial before the monogamous majority learn that their neighborhoods are full of scary, culture-threatening nonmonogamists.

In other words, hate speech / hate crime / hate legislation against poly people could very well increase after such an event--- because it puts us on the radar. It will be taken as confrontational and in-your-face. Better to have a period of educational outreach first.

Also because, in my mind, the real purpose and importance of events like these is to educate people that they have a choice. The people who really need activism are the people who were born poly into a traditional monogamous culture, and are miserable and struggling as they attempt in vain to conform, and don't have any conception that there is another way. Let's get the message out to our suffering proto-poly brothers and sisters in the world that "There is Another Way" before we start announcing how many we are.

IMHO.
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  #37  
Old 03-06-2011, 06:27 PM
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Ready2Fly,

Thanks! That's the first "let's not do it" response I've seen that meets me fully in the middle on the matter -- in relation to the appearance that I'm all gung ho on the idea of a Coming Out Day of major proportions.

It's good to take a stand for or against to test the idea out in dialogue, right? I've long been more "in the middle" on the subject than it may ever have appeared. And yet I do think it is terribly sad -- and wrong -- that so many people feel that they have to hide their true loves from friends, co-workers, family, etc.... And I do think we oughta do something about that.

Thanks for a reasonable and well-reasoned response.
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