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Old 03-03-2011, 09:55 PM
ZenJello ZenJello is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2011
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Question Dazed and confused...or jealous?

Hi,

My partner and I started this relationship as friends, then started to date, broke it off, became friends with benefits and finally both of us found that feelings had come back into play, so we decided to be honest and simply have an open relationship. Both of us are fairly new to polyamory, but with completely different experiences in the past.

I am currently seeing someone else and my partner is okay with that, expressing that he just simply got over his feelings of jealousy. He said that the way he looks at it, is that I have been with other guys before and he's not jealous of them, so why should he be jealous of any current relations. Although, this is great it is somewhat hard to hear.

I am quite the opposite. When he was first seeing another girl, I was okay with her. Yes, the thought of them together hurt, but it was different.

He is now interested in a girl, who I find myself extremely attracted to, but also who I see as a potential great close friend. I seem to be having a huge problem with him wanting her now that I am starting to get to know her better. They haven't done anything more than flirt, but even the thought of them together makes me feel ill and stressed.

I know a lot of it has to do with insecurities surrounding me and how I perceive myself, but at the same time there is a fear that if he were to start this relationship, I am going to lose out one way or the other or both. I feel like either going to lose her as a friend or I'm going to lose time with him because she is this great amazing fun being and that newness is going to be where he will want to put his time and energy. I don't think I could be her friend if I knew that they were together intimately. My partner thinks it would be great if we were friends, but at the same time I don't think I am strong enough. I know I can be friendly to her, but not her friend. Everytime she is around, even when its just her and he isn't there, I have jealousy rising up in my body and this overwhelming fear.

We're great at talking to one another but at the same time I feel like he isn't hearing me when I explain to him my jealousy. I feel like I am going through this on my own and am unsure how to navigate these emotions when I have a partner who can't empathize with it because he is telling me he just doesn't get jealous.

I've read some of the other things on jealousy, but nothing is helping me to resolve this fear and hurt that I experience. I need help getting control of it and any suggestions for ways that you manage your jealousy would be useful.
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Tags
fear, insecurity, jealousy, self-esteem

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