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Old 03-03-2011, 09:55 PM
ZenJello ZenJello is offline
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Question Dazed and confused...or jealous?

Hi,

My partner and I started this relationship as friends, then started to date, broke it off, became friends with benefits and finally both of us found that feelings had come back into play, so we decided to be honest and simply have an open relationship. Both of us are fairly new to polyamory, but with completely different experiences in the past.

I am currently seeing someone else and my partner is okay with that, expressing that he just simply got over his feelings of jealousy. He said that the way he looks at it, is that I have been with other guys before and he's not jealous of them, so why should he be jealous of any current relations. Although, this is great it is somewhat hard to hear.

I am quite the opposite. When he was first seeing another girl, I was okay with her. Yes, the thought of them together hurt, but it was different.

He is now interested in a girl, who I find myself extremely attracted to, but also who I see as a potential great close friend. I seem to be having a huge problem with him wanting her now that I am starting to get to know her better. They haven't done anything more than flirt, but even the thought of them together makes me feel ill and stressed.

I know a lot of it has to do with insecurities surrounding me and how I perceive myself, but at the same time there is a fear that if he were to start this relationship, I am going to lose out one way or the other or both. I feel like either going to lose her as a friend or I'm going to lose time with him because she is this great amazing fun being and that newness is going to be where he will want to put his time and energy. I don't think I could be her friend if I knew that they were together intimately. My partner thinks it would be great if we were friends, but at the same time I don't think I am strong enough. I know I can be friendly to her, but not her friend. Everytime she is around, even when its just her and he isn't there, I have jealousy rising up in my body and this overwhelming fear.

We're great at talking to one another but at the same time I feel like he isn't hearing me when I explain to him my jealousy. I feel like I am going through this on my own and am unsure how to navigate these emotions when I have a partner who can't empathize with it because he is telling me he just doesn't get jealous.

I've read some of the other things on jealousy, but nothing is helping me to resolve this fear and hurt that I experience. I need help getting control of it and any suggestions for ways that you manage your jealousy would be useful.
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Old 03-03-2011, 11:52 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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This is a good thread... and the subsequent blog that went with it... maybe that will help?

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2432

There are also stickies on it... here are a couple more...

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/tags.php

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/tags.php?tag=jealousy

Really though, jealousy is something that is fear based, as you say. You seem to know that you are scared to lose him and that she might be a threat to that because she is new. That is a good start.... now time has to pass. Just because you know why you are jealous doesn't mean that it just goes away... I think you just need to keep walking through it until such time as it tappers off. It sounds like you talk about it, plug away at being around her and pushing yourself... that is all you can do... communicate and stay self aware.... keep at it.
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Old 03-04-2011, 07:25 AM
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Mahogany Mahogany is offline
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What you are sharing, although is not exactly what I am feeling and going through, it is somewhat parallel.

Do you believe that if you disconnect from her completely and she be involved with him on their own, that would help??....I guess what you can't see won't hurt you? Or do you find comfort in knowing and seeing?

You probably already know this, but you are his muse...find your inner woman, find you....find your happiness and bathe in it...(I need to follow my own advice )

Have you established boundaries? Is it time to re-negotiate them?? Your fears and jealousy should not have to be tackled alone (I have learned here that your journey should not be your alone, you two should walk through it together) These forum members have taught me that you should go at the pace of the one that is having the hardest time with it.....

I hope I helped
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Old 03-04-2011, 09:49 AM
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I want to go another tack here...

Quote:
He is now interested in a girl, who I find myself extremely attracted to, but also who I see as a potential great close friend. I seem to be having a huge problem with him wanting her now that I am starting to get to know her better. They haven't done anything more than flirt, but even the thought of them together makes me feel ill and stressed.
*bolding added by me

I found the comment about the OP being very attracted to her boyfriends new gf a significant one... is it possible their is some dual jealousy happening here? jealous of both of them? is there a possibility that a triad could form out of this?

Just a question I felt needed to be thrown out there... certainly not something I would pursue until jealous feelings have been sorted to find their base reasons.
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Old 03-04-2011, 11:39 AM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FlameKat View Post
is there a possibility that a triad could form out of this?
Yup, that's what I thought. If you want to become a triad from the get-go, then you, in my opinion, need to revamp this whole dating stage to reflect that desire.
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Old 03-04-2011, 02:37 PM
ZenJello ZenJello is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FlameKat View Post
I want to go another tack here...

is it possible their is some dual jealousy happening here? jealous of both of them? is there a possibility that a triad could form out of this?
We have discussed this and he is fully open to it, probably more interested in the idea than I am. I just don't know if that is something I would want. I struggle with dating women because I often value the friendship more than the sex. I don't think the is jealousy surrounding that.

A lot of it is self-esteem based. I see her as this amazing goddess and compare myself to her (which I know I shouldn't but can't help it). I also struggle with the fact that he and I were friends first, so I guess I feel that we don't really have a lot of that new relationship energy (although there are some days we can't keep our hands off each other). We've always been super comfortable with each other. Since my close knit group is the same as his and she has started to become close with some of them, I guess I worry about inclusion with them as well(like if a friend is having a party and they go, instead of me and him...I am not sure I would want to be there in that situation). I feel like there is this whole snowball effect in the fear of her replacing me.

I just worry that since they aren't friends, don't hang out regularly, that this relationship will be so exciting for him that he will want to put his time and energy into her. That when he is with me, he will want to be spending that time with her. I guess that is my biggest fear...to be with him and to feel like he isn't present in our relationship. There are other issues surrounding this already that we have talked about and he is working on, but sometimes I don't feel like he is always present in our moments.

I'm pretty aware of what my fears are, just not great at understanding how to deal and overcome them. But I think I'm going to take redpepper and Mahogany advice. Time and baby steps to get me through this.
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Old 03-04-2011, 03:04 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Hey Ms Zen

Ok - maybe time to slow down the mental chatter and do a reality check....

Quote:
Originally Posted by ZenJello View Post
..........
He is now interested in a girl, who I find myself extremely attracted to, but also who I see as a potential great close friend. I seem to be having a huge problem with him wanting her now that I am starting to get to know her better.
Ok - maybe old past history and programming wants you to eventually look at everything as a "competition".

IT'S NOT !

Unless you want to make it that way. Totally your choice. You see potential in her - you can choose to to view it that way (much more positive) and proceed accordingly. It will be what YOU make it hun.




Quote:
Originally Posted by ZenJello View Post

I know a lot of it has to do with insecurities surrounding me and how I perceive myself, but at the same time there is a fear that if he were to start this relationship, I am going to lose out one way or the other or both. I feel like either going to lose her as a friend or I'm going to lose time with him because she is this great amazing fun being and that newness is going to be where he will want to put his time and energy.
Ok - your choice of words leads to your feelings
You can CHOOSE to 'lose' time - or SHARE time. Words have power. Choose carefully. Reality is we have to balance time sharing all the time anyway. May as well get used to it now. Don't mean that to sound trite but negative thinking can have negative results.
And WHY would you lose her as a friend ? How is it that we 'lose' friends ? Usually by making things into a competition/confrontation. The alternative is to come together on something you SHARE. Connect with that. Another choice.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ZenJello View Post
......... I know I can be friendly to her, but not her friend. Everytime she is around, even when its just her and he isn't there, I have jealousy rising up in my body and this overwhelming fear.
And WHY is it you can't be her friend ? You don't like her ? She has bad habits ? Bad friends ? Bad lifestyle ?
What do you value in a friend ? Does she have any of those characteristics ?


As you'll read here and other places a lot, jealousy is a natural emotion - especially in the current materialistic, selfish culture. But in the end it's something you DO have control over. You simply acknowledge the bad feeling you get from it, connect with the fact that it's a NEGATIVE part of you and refuse to embrace it. Banish it. In the beginning it's a bit of a challenge but the more you do it the easier it gets. It's not something we want to carry forward as part of our life if we want to be secure, confident and happy. it would be like carrying forward a jar of nasty cold virus. Don't think you'd do that. Suggest you don't carry the jealousy forward either.

You can do this

GS
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