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  #11  
Old 03-02-2011, 05:50 PM
Idlovetwo Idlovetwo is offline
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Good rant BlackUnicorn, I wouldn't have ranted better

My other love, C, had to leave his girlfriend a few months ago, because she wanted him to be mono, there was no other possibility for them, and it still hurts. (That was before I started to see him). Like me, he discovered he is poly, he's been all his life, and now, two marriages and much pain later, he is determined to be himself. Our stories are so similar. At least we have each other, I wish we were not so far apart. And I wish our relationship didn't hurt other people. Wouldn't it be funny if we both discovered our polyness just to end up together and without other relationships! All will come in time, I suppose. I'm really looking forward to seeing him happy and getting more love in his life.

Now my partner doesn't even want to hear about C, even if it's a long-distance relationship. All he says is he doesn't want to share me, and that he will fall apart every time I see C.

I don't have to make any choice. I am who I am, and it's about time I don't hide from myself anymore. I can love, I can commit, I can share my life, but only with someone who accepts me as I am. I can't do any other thing. I can't force other people into it, I can't force myself either. But I'm still in love with my two men. They are so different, they are so wonderful.

I see some of you, being mono, started to understand polyamory even if you had never heard about it before. But I don't know if there are cases of people who were initially so reluctant and ended up accepting it. And I don't mean "resigned to it", that's not what I want, but genuinely accepting. I don't think it's easy, maybe it's not even possible
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Last edited by Idlovetwo; 03-02-2011 at 06:10 PM.
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  #12  
Old 03-02-2011, 08:03 PM
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Originally Posted by Idlovetwo View Post
And I don't mean "resigned to it", that's not what I want, but genuinely accepting. I don't think it's easy, maybe it's not even possible
This is a good distinction to make. I am genuinely happy with the relationship that RP has with her husband..I embrace it and want it to flourish. When considering adding another man to our dynamic I can't imagine ever feeling the same way...I think settling for "resigned" would have to do on her part if we made it that far. The expectation that your partner will embrace any new relationship regardless of distance is not only unlikely, but an unfair one. That would be asking too much of almost anyone in his situation as a mono. Why is it unfair? Not only would you be asking for your husband to include another person into both your lives (because your partner will affect his life) but then you would ask him to be happy about it? Take what you can get if it is that important to you....sacrifice is expected on both sides if you can achieve anything of what you want.

Be true to yourself and accept that your partner also has to be....stay healthy, do what needs to be done to make your future a positive destination.

Take care and good luck
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  #13  
Old 03-02-2011, 08:29 PM
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There are mixed-orientation marriages/long-term relationships that work, but somebody probably has to sacrifice something at some point. If we understand poly-monogamy to be a spectrum of sexual orientation, then for two people who are both at the far end of the spectrum and opposite to each other, I think the situation would be similar for a heterosexual person to be married to someone who is homosexual. Either monogamy or the sexual relationship has to be compromised.
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  #14  
Old 03-02-2011, 08:39 PM
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There are mixed-orientation marriages/long-term relationships that work, but somebody probably has to sacrifice something at some point. If we understand poly-monogamy to be a spectrum of sexual orientation, then for two people who are both at the far end of the spectrum and opposite to each other, I think the situation would be similar for a heterosexual person to be married to someone who is homosexual. Either monogamy or the sexual relationship has to be compromised.
Agreed
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  #15  
Old 03-02-2011, 11:20 PM
Idlovetwo Idlovetwo is offline
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It's an unfair world, right? How many women would like to find a monogamous and faithful guy, willing to commit for life. I do have it, and I want something else...

Yeah, I guess somebody will have to sacrifice something. After all, you can have anything you want, but you can't have everything you want.

I'll give it some time, maybe a couple of months, and see how the situation evolves. In addition to this, I may need a new job in some weeks, and I may have to move. Closer to my other love would be a great idea, but let's see.

Today I was telling my partner that, if we get to the point where we can't go on, he must know that my door will stay open for him, as long as he accepts me as I am. Who knows. At least we will know we love each other, even if being together turns out to be not possible. Sob.
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  #16  
Old 03-03-2011, 01:09 AM
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Originally Posted by Idlovetwo View Post
Today I was telling my partner that, if we get to the point where we can't go on, he must know that my door will stay open for him, as long as he accepts me as I am. .
That is very loving of you...to leave the door open if something like that happens.
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  #17  
Old 03-03-2011, 03:58 AM
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I can relate to much of what you shared. My husband and I have been married for 7+ years and together for about 10. He grew up in a very "traditional" family and from the beginning I was very anti poly (what's it they say about the one who protests the most?) It took a lot for me to come to him and admit what I wanted deep down. For me I didn't even realize it until Monster came into my life.

Lobster doesn't set up boundaries, says that he loves me too much to tell me no. At the same time, he sometimes says that I'm trying to change him, that what I want isn't right. He used to say that I didn't love him enough, but he's come to understand that I don't love him any less. We've been at this for over 3 months now and we still have good and bad days.

I found solace in this forum. Was able to find others who's advice and shared struggles helped. I count myself lucky in that both my guys are willing to work on things and are friends on their own (as long as the subject of me is avoided sadly) I do find myself with guilt at times, and there are times when I just want to throw in the towel and go back to the "normal" way of things but I know that I'd never be happy so we keep trucking along. When I have my little Debbie Downer moments, one of the guys normally reminds me that we've only been at this a few months and we are all doing it from thousands of miles apart (none of us are on the same continent at the moment lol) There are people here who have been working on this for far longer and they still have ups and downs. I would just say that if you truly care about your current relationship, give it time, they might surprise you. The things I worried the most about telling Lobster, where actually some of the things he had the least amount of struggle accepting. I think knowing that you are not alone goes a long way.
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  #18  
Old 03-03-2011, 07:13 PM
Idlovetwo Idlovetwo is offline
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That cheers me up a little bit, redevil. I'll give it some time. And yeah, it's good to feel you are not alone, it really helps
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  #19  
Old 03-03-2011, 07:24 PM
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whatamIdoing whatamIdoing is offline
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IDLOVETWO,

you and are are in the EXACT same boat. MY DH who I love and adore cannot deal with my wanting to be with J. He and I went into our marriage (his first my third) as swingers... we've morphed into poly.... because it's what I WANT and NEED... and Like Mahogany I fear that my DH will be leaving me as that's the only thing that seems to be able to soothe him.

Like you I will leave the door open for him should he leave...
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  #20  
Old 03-03-2011, 07:47 PM
Idlovetwo Idlovetwo is offline
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Best of luck, whatamIdoing... I suppose it's even worse if neither of your men accept sharing you. At least, my man number two (so to speak) is as poly as I am, and happy with it. But you and I know when you love someone (sometwo? lol) you just love them, no matter how mono they are. Then again, situations evolve and people take their time... Here's hoping.

Btw, I like your name, it could have been mine... That's what I thought when this all started - what the heck am I doing?? It's a hard way, isn't it
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