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  #91  
Old 02-24-2011, 10:18 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Hugs!

Read much?

I just finished "Loving What Is" by Byron Katie,

addresses just what you are talking about (writing a story in your head).
Helped me a LOT.
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  #92  
Old 02-24-2011, 10:20 PM
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Thanks LR I'll look into it once I'm finished my book on female aggression. If i try to read more than one book at a time they all get jumbled in my head.
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  #93  
Old 02-24-2011, 10:21 PM
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ME TOO!
one book at a time or I start getting them mixed up and WHEW if they're self-help books that can be a trip!
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  #94  
Old 03-02-2011, 11:37 PM
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***Disclaimer: this isn't a post about poly***

But rather about friendship and acquaintanceship. I think I've been noticing it more recently because of the book on female aggression being below the radar but, for the most part, women really don't know how to talk to each other directly about negative emotions. We have been conditioned to always be "nice" to everyone. In the long run I think it's to our detriment.

I (and a lot of other women) let things fester in a friendship because what made us angry shouldn't be a big deal or wasn't on purpose ect. The problem with reacting like that is that the pressure builds and one day it just all comes out in a less than productive way.

Personally I'd much rather that people are direct with me if I'm doing or have said something that has offended them. That way I can change or explain the behaviour. But at the same time I'm unable (for lack of a better word) to approach others in the same way. Instead I do my best to be "nice" and to form my words and sentences in such a way as to not hurt anyone's feelings. Because things aren't said directly I've been accused of lying to people before when I simply wasn't blunt enough with what I said.

I guess being aware of this trait is a first step to overcoming it. I'm not sure what the next step is though...how does one get from "nice" to "honest' with friends? I find that it's less of a problem in relationships because I have more trust that my honest emotions won't lead to the loss of the relationship, whereas with friends, who knows?
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  #95  
Old 03-03-2011, 01:03 AM
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Oooookay Derby, what are you not saying? Hmmmmm
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  #96  
Old 03-03-2011, 02:05 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Oooookay Derby, what are you not saying? Hmmmmm
All kinds of dirty nasty things

There's nothing specific on my mind at the moment, it's more just a pattern I've noticed in myself and others. For example my friend back in Calgary who cheated on her husband and told me about it. Even though I was upset and even though I should have said something about it all I've ever done is hinted and bitched about it behiend her back. I should have told her right from the get go that telling me something like that isn't ok and it put me in the position of having to betray one of my friends, either her by telling him what was up or him by keeping my mouth closed. If I had said something at the time chances are there would have been some kind of resolution but instead I still feel angry when I see their posts on facebook to each other. SInce I have the need to be "nice" I haven't been able to say anything to her directly because I'm worried about rocking the boat and losing the friendship. Although ironically harbouring this resentment is far more likely to lead to me wanting to end the friendship.

There are other examples that I've seen of women not being willing to confront things directly. It's just one more of those social programming things to fight against.
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  #97  
Old 03-03-2011, 03:07 AM
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I think there is also a conditioning, that women expect to be able to tell other women anything without being repremanded for bad behavior. Sometimes I feel like we are expected to stick up for each other, just because we are women, even if we don't agree with them, usually in bad mouthing their men.
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  #98  
Old 03-05-2011, 02:45 AM
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For getting started,

When you have something that makes you uncomfortable to say in that arena,
start it with,
"I feel uncomfortable telling you this-but I know honesty is a critical part of a good friendship, so if I word it badly, please bare with me"

Then go for it.

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  #99  
Old 03-06-2011, 01:45 PM
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I was asked if women compete with each other relentlessly whenever they get together, trying to establish a pecking order. I think that women get at their bitchiest when they think they are not being listened to. Either that or they start crying.

Point? Ah yes. Women might be better than average in communication, but maybe sometimes we are too paralyzed by our fear of not being listened to/being misunderstood that we prefer to keep our feelings under wraps?
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  #100  
Old 03-10-2011, 11:06 AM
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What if you started with something really small that hurts/bothers you? The example you've given is quite large (cheating wife) and really not a good starting place.

Don't try and run a marathon if jogging around the block tires you out.

So, the next time something small and annoying comes up, call the person on it. Don't think about it, wait on it, just do it.

Also, do you have the same problem with men? Just wondering... I know I personally find women much more intimidating. So if you're like me, maybe try calling men on things first, as an easier lead into dealing with women in similar situations.

Last edited by TruckerPete; 03-10-2011 at 11:08 AM. Reason: Typo
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