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  #11  
Old 03-02-2011, 12:23 AM
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RitaFire RitaFire is offline
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Ha! We both responded at the same time. lol.
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  #12  
Old 03-02-2011, 12:42 AM
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Rita- and Rob- Fire,

Thank you -- both of you -- for your willingness to allow us to share in your discussion and process. I consider all such sharing a gift to all. Welcome!
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  #13  
Old 03-02-2011, 03:50 AM
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Originally Posted by River View Post
Rita- and Rob- Fire,

Thank you -- both of you -- for your willingness to allow us to share in your discussion and process. I consider all such sharing a gift to all. Welcome!
I'm just happy there are forums like this where the topic can be discussed openly and frankly. Given the diverse situations that polyamory encompasses, it's good to have a place where people can discuss the joys and trials that opening up a relationship can bring.
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  #14  
Old 03-02-2011, 05:07 AM
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Might I suggest something too?

Many of us have blogs, check them out. TOGETHER.

Private message people on here who you get to know and feel comfortable with.

One of the keys to learning that SO MANY PEOPLE forget about, is companionship. We (as people) often learn well in groups. It takes the sense of isolation and "only I am struggling" out of learning. That's one of the reason gradeschool kids often like to go to school. FRIENDS.

It's hard to make the foray into a "new lifestyle" if you don't have FRIENDS in it.

So-you've both agreed, now isn't the time to actually open the relationship, GREAT! That means you are in agreement on something primal in all of this.

But, post, share, get to know people here, see if there are other poly-groups that you can go to nearby and meet people.

Make some friends, "learn the ropes" so to speak and then, as RP said, you can re-discuss possibilities later.

FYI-I think that you may find a friend in Sneacail. She's "poly at heart" but not in action as I recall.
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  #15  
Old 03-02-2011, 05:36 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
She's "poly at heart" but not in action as I recall.
True, at least for the forseable future. I think I may have come across a little harsh, sorry. It did set off some triggers for me. I've had people tell me that I just don't know enough about something and that's the reason I have a problem with their actions. In truth, the more I learned, the more problems I found with their actions.
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  #16  
Old 03-02-2011, 06:23 AM
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Hi Redpepper. I did actually set up my own account. Mine's RobFire, hers is RitaFire..
oops, ya, sorry, read that too fast. Thanks.

You have some really good ideas about foundations already. Please feel free to add your thoughts to the "poly foundations" thread and what lessons you have learned on the "lessons we have learned thread." All these thoughts can be very useful for others starting out in similar positions to the two of you.

here are the two thread links for you.... just in case a tag search is difficult

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2858
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2755
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  #17  
Old 03-03-2011, 10:05 AM
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It sounds like you two are on a pretty healthy footing. I'd like to jump in on one small point here...

If RitaFire is uncomfortable with the local poly group because she can't identify with the people in it, then I don't think it would be helpful for her to go to their meetings.

This forum is a safe and nurturing place to learn about polyamory. I don't mean to be presumptuous here, presuming to know what she needs, but I do believe she needs to feel safe and nurtured in order to relax and open up. If she is uncomfortable with the local poly group, she will have a much harder time of it.

In a lot of ways, IMO, this experience is like learning to float on your back in the water. You have to relax and let go in order to open up to new experiences. If you are coming into the situation predisposed to a fear of drowning, it's really hard not to panic and thwart your own best efforts to learn.

The people in these groups can act as hands holding you up in the water until you learn to trust your own buoyancy. If you don't trust those hands, if you aren't comfortable with their touch, then they may be adding another layer of anxiety rather than lending support.

There's an element of intimacy and vulnerability to learning about polyamory. Even if there are things RitaFire could learn from the local poly group, if she can't connect with them or feel comfortable with them then exposing her to them may only increase her anxiety.

The way I see it, she tried to jump in the deep end before she'd learned to swim. Her first experience was frightening and overwhelming, as near-drowning experiences tend to be. Now she has the additional burden of overcoming that, as well as still needing to learn to keep aloft in poly's sometimes turbulent seas.

I think she is very brave to keep trying.
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  #18  
Old 03-03-2011, 05:26 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Penny View Post
The way I see it, she tried to jump in the deep end before she'd learned to swim. Her first experience was frightening and overwhelming, as near-drowning experiences tend to be. Now she has the additional burden of overcoming that, as well as still needing to learn to keep aloft in poly's sometimes turbulent seas.

I think she is very brave to keep trying.
I think you really hit it there Penny. I had some positive feelings during the experience, like NRE with the man I was considering becoming involved with. But the other negative feelings overwhelmed me.

I read your story here. I was wondering if your husband has found someone yet? If so has that triggered some new emotions in you? I know, probably selfishly, that I have a difficult time thinking about my husband being with someone other than me, sharing intimacy that I feel should only be shared with me, but yet I seemed to have some positive feelings and excitement thinking about myself being with another man when we were trying poly. I don't know, maybe I like the idea of being "Queen Bee". But I have guilt feelings surrounding that, because I believe in balance and fairness as well. My husband should have the right to enjoy what I am enjoying, but jealousy (my husband does not like that word, so I have defined jealousy in myself as a combination of anger and fear) overwhelms me causing the panic attacks and crying fits.
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  #19  
Old 03-03-2011, 07:51 PM
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My husband has had no luck finding someone, at least not a keeper. He had a few dates with a couple of other women. Finding someone takes time and energy, and he says he finds that he'd often rather spend that time with me. Still, he intends to keep looking, but is taking a laid back approach to it now.

I really do hope he finds someone he can establish a relationship with. This compersion thing (have you read up on that yet?) is very real and I have found it to be far more powerful than transient jealous twinges. I'm going to help him revamp his OKCupid profile soon. I want him to be able to rejoice in NRE, and to experience the sort of happiness that his love and support has enabled me to experience with my boyfriend.

I did feel some twinges of jealousy, particularly when he was dating a gorgeous red-headed model, but I find that if I break my jealousy apart into its components and deal with them one at a time, it is surprisingly easy to overcome.

The most important thing for me has been being able to say, "Hey, honey, I'm feeling insecure" or something like that, and then to discuss point by point what is bothering me. I am good at figuring out what I need in order to get in a good head space, and I am not afraid to ask for it. My partners have both expressed a deep appreciation of this quality as I don't leave them guessing.

I work from the assumption that they want my happiness, just as much as I want them to be happy. My relationships are sturdy, strong, and built on trust and mutual respect.

Thumper has learned to ask for what he needs as well. He's had a few twinges of jealousy, but we have worked through them with relative ease.

IMO, the trick is to never suffer in silence or to just put up with something for the sake of another's happiness. Yes, you might have to deal with uncomfortable or distressing emotions, but it is important to do so openly and to never let anything fester.

Thumper, T-Rex and I are still going strong. I am delighted by my loves, who spoil me to pieces and treat me like a queen. I spoil them back as much as I am able. The guys have become good friends and we are planning a couple of trips as a family. We hang out as a threesome several times a week. It's pretty cool.
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  #20  
Old 03-03-2011, 11:36 PM
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I don't really fit our local poly group either. There are a lot of people in it that I just don't get. They are great and all, but their idea of poly doesn't seem to be similar to mine and/or their position in it is different. I still go though. I have learned a lot about what I don't want from them and care about the journey they are on. I have invested in my community now.

I think it's important to create what you need in life. I started a group for women so that I could talk more about my relationship... and invited the women from our local group. It is going strong with up to 30 women each month. I had a need for community events, so I hosted them.... bowling, karaoke, dancing, whatever. If I want to do it I figure others will and I have been right. I encourage anyone to do this. You don't have to make a fuss. Just send an invite out for time and place and show up. It happens on it's own.

Why not start your own group. Invite people to meet at a coffee shop or something and see how it goes. Just a meet and greet kind of thing.... its a great way to make friends or better yet, to get dates sometimes friends become dates.... never know!
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