Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #51  
Old 02-28-2011, 05:53 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,672
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Beodude123 View Post
I don't want to deny what she has become, but at the same time, I don't want to put myself down to meet her needs.
Well, she didn't BECOME poly, she just is. So it would mean loving her for who she is. This is news to you and its okay for you to be going though this.. No one is expecting you to push yourself down. If its not going to work out, if it is something you just can't over come, if you need to move on because this is too big, then that is what is meant to happen...

Mono says we will be good friends and family still. He will live here if he can emotionally and be involved in my life, and our families, but not like he is now. We have made a plan for if I find someone I just cannot pass up. It was an eye opener to go through that process and has meant a change in how much effort I will put into my relationship with Leo... it made me think differently about him and my desire to include him in my life at this time.

If after a month you still need time, then take it... if after however long it is just too painful and unhealthy then it's time to make a change to move apart from each other. It might be wise to talk about what that would look like. So that when you are both faced with, "I can't do this any more" you know what the plan is. That doesn't mean using that as manipulation though. It's okay to say "I am really struggling right now," but to say "I can't do this any more" becomes the trigger for the plan you make. Be sure that you are very sure it is time to make that move.

That being said, you might find you never get there and that there is no reason to orchestrate the plan... you just don't know and there is no point in stressing about it. Really the best you can do is plan, educate yourself on her, him and yourself and let it seep in over some time...
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #52  
Old 02-28-2011, 05:43 PM
JenAgain JenAgain is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 89
Default

For me, I don't think moving on is an option. I feel strongly that I am poly, and as hard as it would be for me to go back to suppressing that part of me, my marriage is infinitely more important. We have something that very few people have together, and I know I'm asking a lot of him. We've both had a lot of emotions and difficulties through this as I'm sure most people do, but it is moving along, albeit slowly.

We've both felt trapped, and confused, but bottom line is, I couldn't remove myself from him because of a need to love others. He is that important to me, and I can't imagine my life without him in it.

Granted it would be a whole lot easier for me, if he can come to an acceptance for this, and even enjoy what we both get out of it.

I really like the idea of "I'm really struggling with this right now", over "I can't do this anymore" because it is such a finite statement. I prefer that we take a step back and reassess, rather than cut it off completely, because feelings don't work that way.

We have had some good talks over the last couple of days. CAtching up on sleep has definitely helped. He's feeling less angry and more comforted. He's been telling me what his needs are (more affection, lots of loves and cuddles and reminders that we are still US, and my love for him is unwavering).

We've also discussed the sex thing. His fear of it. We've come to an agreement that we will let it happen once to start. Not opening it for good, but just a try. He wants to know when it happens (likely soon), and when it does we will reflect and process and discuss future interactions.

I don't feel like it's something I want because I don't get enough from him, or that I feel like I just want it from J. I feel like I need it for me, to express myself, and my feelings. It makes me feel amazing to have that connection with somebody and it's like opening that piece of my heart.

Hubby has a fear of what it will change, but my thoughts were if he waits until the fear is not there, he will never be okay with it. That we need to open that door, if even just once, to test it out and see if that it is a legitimate fear, or will it really not change as much as he thinks it will.

For today, we are in a good place. Poor J has gotten blasted with deepness lately, and he's still sticking it out with us, so that means a lot to me. He's not a very deep person, and I think has difficulty communicating at this level, or at all really, hah.

I admittedly did not proof read this, so if it doesn't make a whole lot of sense, my apologies for the rambling.
Reply With Quote
  #53  
Old 02-28-2011, 06:21 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by JenAgain View Post
Hubby has a fear of what it will change, but my thoughts were if he waits until the fear is not there, he will never be okay with it. That we need to open that door, if even just once, to test it out and see if that it is a legitimate fear, or will it really not change as much as he thinks it will.

Check out the movie "Freebie" It has one perspective but does convey some very good emotions.

Some times you need to push, I agree. But you have to be prepared for the results..and no one can predict how they will respond to an experience for the first time.
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #54  
Old 02-28-2011, 07:24 PM
Beodude123 Beodude123 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 69
Default

I think because of the fact that I won't be there for the act (I work on swings, J on mids), it won't have as big of an impact. Still though, after we reasses, and if I choose to move on, I'd want to see it. That way I can understand everything about it, what it does for Jen, and indirectly what it can do for me.


I've been trying to talk to J more as well. Jen and I have superlative communication, but it's harder to talk between two guys. So, I think if we keep on talking between each other, it'll help me to realize that it's a good thing.


As far as the splitting up thing, Jen and I are one and the same on that front. If it does come to her having suppress that part of her, I would feel very guilty about it. We'd definitely both have a lot to work out, but we would work on it like we always have; together. She truly is the most important thing in my life, and I'm glad she feels the same. After all, if she wasn't this important to me, I wouldn't have been able to open up what we have together, no way no how.

Last edited by Beodude123; 02-28-2011 at 07:27 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #55  
Old 03-01-2011, 06:43 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,672
Default

"Freebie" is an awesome moving to watch on the sex issue. Mono and I watched it together and it really struck home about where I am at with Leo. One really doesn't know how one will react afterwards, as much as you can guess, it is HUGE... like MASSIVE... in terms of emotions and where one is at afterwards. It isn't just a one time thing, its everything. Just trying it a little is not possible. Just one time is not just a little thing.

For PN and I the sex part was always a huge leap into a relationship and we decided after some very painful experiences not to go there until EVERYTHING was just right. Us as a couple, everything on board as a partnership with our other, our metamour relationships... and still it was a leap from 0 t 100 in the space of a short period of time.

We take sex very seriously though in terms of it being a bonding and connecting experience that is shared and then remembered for life. Some don't view it that way, but after more painful experiences, we came to this realization.

Might I suggest Jen that you wait some more? I know its hard to do, but today was a good day for the two of you after a very rough weekend and just enjoying that might be an idea... maybe let things settle until Beo is saying "oh for the love of pete, do it already!" I personally have had better results with this method,,, as has PN...

Mono I slept with within a week and it made for a very rough ride... PN went away with his girlfriend and they didn't have sex! I was screaming for him to get it over with after months of being in pain over the thought... by the time he did it I was relieved! I had preciously been disgusted to the point of vomiting and not touching him for over a week with another woman and with this one I was full of joy (compersion) by the time they actually did it... I was pushing him out the door to do it again... Worked much better for my jealous heart... I was completely through the jealousy by then.

Just a thought... have a look at Mohegan's blog (which way to turn)... she has written a lot about Karma and his girlfriend before they had sex... as has Derby. I think its in her old blog though... you might want to ask her how to find it.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog

Last edited by redpepper; 03-01-2011 at 06:51 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #56  
Old 03-01-2011, 07:26 AM
Beodude123 Beodude123 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 69
Default

Jen and I had another good talk tonight... I think a lot of my problems stem from the fact that I keep trying to be everything to her. I know it's not possible to be everything to one person, no matter how hard you try. I can rationalize that. However, my brain keeps telling me that I need to try and do everything. I obviously can't be a second person viewing her as the sexy goddess that she is....

So, how can I let go of having to be everything on my own, and let somebody else do the work for me? Like Jen said tonight, letting go of that struggle, would in and of itself, let me be everything to her. By accepting who she is, in entirety, I would once again reach that everything, even if I can't make that happen on my own.

That right there is some deep physchological stuff. I'll have to digest this more tomorrow, but I think it's a healthy step in the process. I've discovered there are so many steps in it all... I think I've overcome about 10 or 15 so far, and this has been in a short few weeks.
Reply With Quote
  #57  
Old 03-01-2011, 08:02 AM
Beodude123 Beodude123 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 69
Default

Now that I think about it, I think this is probably the center of many of the feelings I have. I feel jealousy, because of the fact that I can't directly provide the need Jen has from another. I feel inadiquate for the same reason. I feel like I want to try my hardest to fill that every need, no matter how impossible. Is it dumb? Sure it is. I know Jen needs more than just what I have to offer. But freaking damn, it's hard.

I am, as a person, have a want to fix things. If something isn't complete it's wrong. So I want to try and fix it. Jen isn't complete with just me, but I try my hardest to be it all. Thing is, I can't. So now, I have to figure out how to direct my energies toward making what I physically can't bring to the table, a positive.

That right there is probably the basis of my issues. I want to fix everything, but I can't as a single human being. By accepting what she is, and allowing her to be that person, I would fulfill all her needs. So, the balance. Where does one stop trying, and just relax, and let things be?

I struggle so very hard with this. Jen is my everything. I cannot imagine life without her. I feel as though she feels the same way towards me (but slightly different).


So, any of you mono folks have any advice of how to let go of the desire to fix, and understand the desire to accept unconditionally?





While this is definitely not a problem, my slightly rational mind views it as such, and wants to fix it. How can I balance fixing, with release? Obviously I cannot be everything to everybody, no matter how hard I try.
Reply With Quote
  #58  
Old 03-02-2011, 07:28 PM
JenAgain JenAgain is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 89
Default

Another good, yet interesting couple of days.

RP, while I do take your advice to heart, I also feel our situation is slightly different (as they all are). J has been a part of our lives for nearly 3 years, and going on 2 months of our journey, which I realize is short in the big picture, but has seemed like a really long time for me as far as being able to express myself and my feelings towards him completely.

That said, he came over last night, my intentions and Drew's understanding was that this was going to be the night that it happened. He was feeling okay, prepared, we discussed it the night before, and again yesterday afternoon. Of course, I had hinted to J, but didn't straight up tell him what I was hoping for!

So after dinner, and the kids were in bed we talked, and snuggled, and things progressed. In the heat of the moment, I said "please tell me you have a condom!" Of course I have never known him not to have one, so it didn't even dawn on me to get some until earlier in the evening. I couldn't really leave and didn't want to lug the kids down to the store just for that so I was like, Nah.. he'll have one. His response was "Wait, What? I didn't expect sex!?"

Insert laughs.

We contemplated one of us getting dressed and running down to the gas station around the corner to get one, and then he suggested that since we are all in a good place right now, that we wait this time and enjoy the comfort we all have. So we waited.. as hard as it was for me. I immediately texted hubby and said "No sex! You can relax, I repeat, there has been NO sex!!" He laughed and asked what happened so I told him. It ended up being a great moment, and night for me.

J and I seemed to have some extra bonding moments, shared some good laughs and I learned more about his life. I feel like he's been giving it some extra effort this week as well. He says this is all new and different to him, so he has some adjusting to do as well.

So J went to work, and Hubby came home and we snuggled and reflected on the night. This morning he was up early with the kids, so he was a little cranky. When he's tired his thoughts tend to gravitate towards negativity, so he came in the room, and we talked it out some more, as far as his feelings of wanting to be able to meet the needs that I have. Except for me telling him how perfect he is, just the way he is... that I don't expect anything more from him, and I love him dearly.. I don't know how else to help. That the feelings of inadequacy is something that he's going to have to work through on his own... that all I can do is just keep giving him those affirmations.

All in all, I think it's been a good few days.
Reply With Quote
  #59  
Old 03-02-2011, 08:20 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 8,342
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Beodude123 View Post
. . . any advice of how to let go of the desire to fix, and understand the desire to accept unconditionally?
Beo, I suspect this need to fix things comes up in other areas of your life as well. I'll bet if you take a look at work, family, friendships, you might find that you see challenges as problems to resolve and that possibly, somewhere in you in feels good to be the one to make it all better. Like the knight in shining armor, or a superhero. Being the fixer probably seems to fill a hole you feel inside yourself, and if you weren't with Jen and in this current situation, you would probably feel that way if you were alone or with someone else. Could be that this comes from very old decisions you made as a kid or young man when you saw things happen that looked hurtful to people or to yourself. Now you always want to fix things and this situation brings that out in you, because that's a lens through which you are just used to looking at the world. Step back, and see if that's a pattern of yours. If it is, you can become free of it by becoming aware of it, knowing it will arise because it's a default thought process in you, and then you can just let it play in the background like a radio in the other room, and then be able to respond to life in the moment, not from an old familiar pattern of behavior. We all do this.

If you look at this need of yours to fix things as just a pattern that plays all the time in you, you then can realize that you don't need to give credence to it and then will begin to "get" that Jen's need and desire to expand her love beyond her relationship with you is not a reaction to a shortcoming on your part, or anything that needs fixing.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
Reply With Quote
  #60  
Old 03-02-2011, 08:42 PM
Beodude123 Beodude123 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 69
Default

Heh, definitely hit the nail on the head for that one. Let's see here. At work, I fix airplanes. I'm a supervisor now, and people come to me with their problems, and I do what I can to fix it. In my spare time I fix cars (sometimes breaking them in the process... Haha). So yeah, I'm very much a fixer.

I've been trying to not want to fix it, but since it's part of my nature, it's not exactly something that I can just tune out.



All in all, I think I'm doing pretty well. I've overcome a lot of my own insecurities so far. Now I'm working on something else. I keep learning things about myself, and figuring out how to overcome them.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
marriage, mono poly, mono/poly, poly mono, secondary

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 11:03 PM.