What's in it for a unicorn?

[BlackUnicorn]

Thanks for your input, Pollyshari!

I can see a triad working when A, B and C relate in following ways; A is friends with B, B is friends with C, A is friends with C. In my ABC-friendship triad, usually when any two people get together, talk at some point turns into gossiping about the absent friend, making gentle fun of them and then wondering why they are not there and if we could maybe call or drive by their place. Or we can always have a conference call, if they are REALLY busy.

I could see the power balance in a triad going three-ways (at least):

1) married people (or the original couple) first. The couple has known each other longer and is used to backing each other up.

2) gender solidarity. In most triads, they are two people who share a gender identification and the acculturation that comes with it.

3) the more connected couple first. Usually it's somewhat hard to talk, have sex or spend time together with both of your two partners equally. The one whom you feel more connected to might change over time and from situation to situation, though. Say A and C are sports fans and B detests sweating, even if by watching others do it. B might have to think up something to do during Super Bowl season.

All of these 3 possible power pairings are likely to be at work at the same time, and if they are well-balanced, I don't see why the situation should be necessarily exploitative/secondary for the unicorn.

[Hades36]

Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn

Wow, an interesting thread.

I guess no bona fide unicorns have joined in yet? My reasons to go couple-hunting:

1) I already have a primary I'm not sexual with.
2) I'm not interested in having biological children, but would be very supportive if the couple did. I would cherish a co-mother/auntie position.
3) Bisexuality is a strong factor.
4) I love the energy couples have. It would bring me deep joy and contentment to see to people I love love each other.
5) I have a very high need of physical and emotional space.

I know that point 1) already disqualifies me from true unicornism, and I'd never agree on a polyfi triad. But that might just be general need of space - I'm not the least bit more interested in bigamy than I am in monogamy.

This may be off topic, but I've seen a few of your posts and they are really interesting. My wife and I are becoming more and more interested in a triad with a, well...unicorn (?)...but how does that happen? I mean, this time it was an 11th hour save after a trainwrack that was mostly my own fault. But, if my wife and I really wanted to meet a...unicorn (?)...and bring her into our marriage...how would we do that?

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by Hades36

This may be off topic, but I've seen a few of your posts and they are really interesting. My wife and I are becoming more and more interested in a triad with a, well...unicorn (?)...but how does that happen? I mean, this time it was an 11th hour save after a trainwrack that was mostly my own fault. But, if my wife and I really wanted to meet a...unicorn (?)...and bring her into our marriage...how would we do that?

There are many threads on these questions if you do a tag search for "unicorn" "unicorns."

From what I know having been here for two years is that many people who have had a successful experience with unicorns just found them by chance, rather than by searching... it seems to me that people have a good friend who turns into something more and then they share their lives together. The relationships that don't seem to work out are the ones where a triad is the only dynamic that is acceptable and when it is forced it implodes on those involved... mostly it seems that husband/male falls more in love with one of the females than the other and that female runs out, or becomes un-in-love with the other female.

I personally don't feel a triad needs to stay a triad. There is nothing wrong with a vee, but people seem to set themselves up and don't talk about what to do if love isn't as strong for one or more of the three. Planning ahead and being a little more open to change would mean that everyone might be more able to adjust and change as time goes on...

Of course often jealousy comes up for the one that is not being "loved" as much, but if they are able to become open to other love and some good boundaries are set when the vee formation begins, then I would think that there could be a great relationship dynamic out of it all. After all, a good metamour relationship is sometimes as good as a partnership. The only difference sometimes is sex, and the lack of interest in investing in a metamour as a partner "that" way. My men are the best of friends and spend more time with each other than most friends do. They are excellent metamours. We have even had threesomes together... but that is not a triad, we have a vee... the love is there, just not the partnership in "that" way as it is in a triad.

[BlackUnicorn]

I think the first mistake you can do on an unicorn hunt is to treat people as 'prospective unicorns' instead of people. I think there are other women out there looking for love, and to be given a set of rules and limitations you have to meet BEFOREHAND in order to be lovable is the best way to arouse disinterest in the unicorn you want to court.

From what I've read in your 'Chinese Gangs' thread, you might have just stumbled upon an unicorn survivor of your particular train wreck. As you see, a pure accident. Very unlikely. Human chemistry is. Or you can totally disregard all and any advice you receive and just go on OkCupid, which is what I did, and the results so far have not been disastrous. Again, a pure accident.

I think many unicorn hunters would sleep better if they would consider at least three things before embarking on their hunt;
1) Your unicorn might be in a primary relationship already, and not interested in moving in with you.
2) Your unicorn might have a busy social life of her own and not be interested in forsaking all her other connections to be with you.
3) As redpepper pointed out, you might have a lovely vee situation developing, which will surely go all to hell if you force it to become a triad.

I would feel totally put off by having to act as a sexual resource to the other person in the couple just to make sure they don't get overly jealous of my connection with their partner. In love all things are not equal; you might be the best of friends, even FWBs, with the other partner but really IN LOVE in the ooshy-mooshy way with the other partner.

[PolyNewbie]

Lots of good stuff to think about in this thread. Thanks to BlackUnicorn and GroundedSpirit for their explorations into the up side of unicornity.

So, let's say, just for argument's sake, that there's a newly formed triad consisting of a long-term, historically mono married couple and a bi woman. Let's say that, at least at the moment, they all feel an equally strong emotional bond with each other. And let's say that all three of them sincerely want to make this work as a long-term relationship. What advice would you experienced poly folks have for -- well, for any of them, but particularly for the married couple? What adjustments in their own relationship should they expect to have to make? What can they do to make this an easier transition for the single woman? What are all those things that relationships like this fall apart because the married couple doesn't do?

This isn't a theoretical question, in case that wasn't obvious. I'm the guy in the married couple. We never thought we'd be doing this, we weren't out looking for a polyamorous relationship and never even considered one, but then we met this woman who we both find that we want to be around all the time, and she seems to want that too. We're all kind of terrified, and we have no idea what the hell we've gotten ourselves into here, but we've decided to take some time to explore whether it could work. So the floor is open: what should we, the long-term married ones, do to improve the chances?

[PLove]

I second PolyNewbie's question. Hades36 and I find ourselves with the possibility of a triad with a single woman as well, but all three of us are having some nervous feelings about what all of this means and how to make it all work. It's complicated by the fact that I found out about the woman when it came out that Hades had been messing around with her behind my back. We've pretty much resolved that, but it does add some extra emotions/issues for me.

Any advice/experiences from more experienced folks would be greatly appreciated!

[LovingRadiance]

My strongest piece of advice (and I'm not in a triad, I'm in a V) is to allow for each "couple" (him and 1st her, him and 2nd her, 1 & 2 hers) to spend time together without the other party.

My next piece of advice is to spend time together (not in bed) as a group of 3.

[newtopoly2011]

I thank all for the open and candid discussions that are going on in this thread. I was told just 5 days ago that my wife of 14 years is bi-sexual. I truly don't know what I am in for yet and appreciate all of the advice that everyone has to offer. I believe we have the relationship that can survive.

I can tell you that when the conversation happened with my for me it was an enlightening experience. It really changed the dynamics of our marriage overnight in a very positive way and she and I for the first time in years feel like newlyweds again--so much to explore!

I hold the utopian view that we can find that unicorn...we have so much to offer! In my heart I see her desire to experience the love from another woman and it makes me glow. I will for one keep hope alive as I am a man of seeing the glass as half full. I hope beyond all hope that there is a woman out there that can love us!

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by newtopoly2011

I hold the utopian view that we can find that unicorn...we have so much to offer!

Well this idea is probably not the best place to come from from what I have seen. A monogamous mindset doesn't work in poly. It seems to work better to come at it from an independent person point of view. You are your own person, your partner is their own person, your other partner is their own person.

What couples seem to miss is that this is THREE people. Not a couple and their unicorn... sure that is the beginning sexy NRE stage, but for the long haul, if you truly want the long haul... its okay if you don't, then I would suggest breaking your thoughts down into you, her and her... you and her, her and you and her and her.... not couple and her. YOU as an individual have a lot to offer, and aren't you fortunate that you are with someone that is wonderful and also has a lot to offer....

Originally Posted by newtopoly2011

I was told just 5 days ago that my wife of 14 years is bi-sexual.

Secondly, this is VERY NEW, give it some time and just enjoy your partners excitement...just because your wife is bi doesn't mean that you will end up in a triad... it isn't the most common dynamic. She may very well want her own lover one day without you. In fact, that is most likely to happen along the line. Even after a triad unicorn thing happens.... the two of them might want to be together and you aren't invited any more... or you and the new woman might want to be together and she isn't invited any more, or the two women might not want each other any move... making a vee.

I suggest you do some tag searching on here for "unicorns," "secondary" and "triads"....and "vees" (have I not mentioned this on this thread already!)It sounds like you are new to poly and have some educating to do.... glad you are having a good time with your partner, but before adding another, I suggest you make sure you know what to expect and what to look out for. That way no one gets hurt.

[newtopoly2011]

Originally Posted by redpepper

Well this idea is probably not the best place to come from from what I have seen. A monogamous mindset doesn't work in poly. It seems to work better to come at it from an independent person point of view. You are your own person, your partner is their own person, your other partner is their own person.

What couples seem to miss is that this is THREE people. Not a couple and their unicorn... sure that is the beginning sexy NRE stage, but for the long haul, if you truly want the long haul... its okay if you don't, then I would suggest breaking your thoughts down into you, her and her... you and her, her and you and her and her.... not couple and her. YOU as an individual have a lot to offer, and aren't you fortunate that you are with someone that is wonderful and also has a lot to offer....

Secondly, this is VERY NEW, give it some time and just enjoy your partners excitement...just because your wife is bi doesn't mean that you will end up in a triad... it isn't the most common dynamic. She may very well want her own lover one day without you. In fact, that is most likely to happen along the line. Even after a triad unicorn thing happens.... the two of them might want to be together and you aren't invited any more... or you and the new woman might want to be together and she isn't invited any more, or the two women might not want each other any move... making a vee.

I suggest you do some tag searching on here for "unicorns," "secondary" and "triads"....and "vees" (have I not mentioned this on this thread already!)It sounds like you are new to poly and have some educating to do.... glad you are having a good time with your partner, but before adding another, I suggest you make sure you know what to expect and what to look out for. That way no one gets hurt.

Ahhhh yess so much to learn and so many emotions.