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  #11  
Old 02-28-2011, 06:41 PM
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kreeativ kreeativ is offline
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compassion,and enhancing yes all of that is fine but you are fooling yourself if you think its somebody elses responsibilty to make you happy.happiness only come from within,not from another,the but yes the other can be involved in enhancing that happiness .not creating it.
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  #12  
Old 02-28-2011, 07:16 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mahogany View Post
Hello,

It has been about 6 weeks now since my marriage has opened. My husband has added a woman to our relationship. This came to be because my husband came clean about cheating on me with her (for 5 months before I found out). Before this we shared 4 monogamous years together.
Opening a relationship because of cheating is common. Remaining with the person that was the cheatee is hard as hell. You will have a lot of resentments and pain in regards to the woman.

Quote:
I hate sharing my husband, but I cannot leave him. We have 11 month old twin boys too....and it would be horrible to not consider their loss if I walk away.
There are always options. I see others posted more intelligent answers than just a simple response, so I will simply leave it at that.

Him doing this, this soon after a new born seems off to me. Thats a really strange time to open up for the first time.

Quote:
In the beginning of this addition of her, things were better (not good though), but this has growth into something more negative than positive for me. I feel like a caged bird....if I could have my wish, it would be to restore the monogamy we lost since the start of 2011.
You could look at this positively too. You are no longer the caged bird confined to monogamy. Just a thought of course, not everyone looks at non-monogamy that way

Quote:
My husband constantly asks me what I need to be happy. I have told him and he has not made my wish so. This tells me that he is not capable (or not willing) to be monogamous again. But I do know he loves me deeply, and reminds of this everyday.

I don't want to do this (share my husband) anymore
But I don't want to lose my husband either

What options do I have, if any?
You limit your options when you say you can't or don't. Sorry to say it like that, but you don't seem to have any beyond the one where you leave.

Quote:
My hate for her grows more and more each day I feel like I am long-suffering....I have nothing against polyamory, but I am so sad and hurting. I am having trouble eating and sleeping....and I am barely functioning at work.

I have told him that I don't want to come between them, that he can leave to be with her...I wouldn't keep his sons from him (or be resentful, etc) But he wants to be with me, but wants her too.

Just typing this makes me want to cry....I feel like a caged bird
Non-monogamy friendly counselling with some counselling for yourself.

Quote:
How did I get here? I just don't want to do this anymore
Again, your options are limited.

You are married
he cheated
he now wants both of you
you can't have anyone <<cough>> bullshit <</cough>>
you have a newborn
you hate the woman
you resent the man
you don't want to be a non-monogamist

Try counselling, thats step one, if you want to save the marriage. After that, you need to start making decisions for yourself (as in, start being selfish)

Quote:
Also, my husband does not feel comfortable with me exploring my end of the openness. He does not want me intimate with another man. He is not abusive or forceful about it, but he has simply communicated that he is not comfortable with it. Should I pursue another man anyway?
Thats pure unadulterated sexist bullshit.

Ari
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  #13  
Old 02-28-2011, 07:39 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Cheating on your pregnant wife who's carrying twins - huge asshole or worst. Responsible for her happiness....No....Responsible for torment and heart break.... is that even in debate here. With all that this women has currently gone through to be hit with this now could easily be overwhelming. I'm guessing he is young or has a very different life experience. I'm sure the most polyist of the poly would have a hard time with the situation the op has presented. This is a very good question to ask my wife to get her input.

I agree with Mono and the others ..... protect yourself and trust your gut don't do this to please him because he by his own admission he wouldn't do the same for you. I would also make it clear to him that his vision of reality is distorted and that you have exactly the same rights as far outside relationships go and that you may indeed exercise that right.
Take of yourself and kids D
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  #14  
Old 02-28-2011, 07:45 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kreeativ View Post
compassion,and enhancing yes all of that is fine but you are fooling yourself if you think its somebody elses responsibilty to make you happy.happiness only come from within,not from another,the but yes the other can be involved in enhancing that happiness .not creating it.
happiness in relationships comes from shared responsibility. For mutual commitment to happiness. This man did not hold his responsibility for that and continues not to, it seems.

We don't know his side. Anyone who comes on here and says they have kids that young and then says her husband cheated and now wants to keep his lover will not get much sympathy from me. Having lived through raising a child ti 7, I know that there was a huge responsibility to be in it together.

No he is not responsible for her happiness, but he is responsible for living through the adjuastment of raising small children until such time as they begin to go out in the world and time is freed up more. By then both will be used to child rasing and can add personal stuff like girlfriends. He took the liberty of going out and getting some freedom back before that time. That is not working together. That's beuing selfish. However, love comes along when it will. He just didn't handle it well and neither did he.

What I would wonder is how much you included him in child raising Mohogany. Sometimes mum thinks its best to do all of it themselves because its easier. That means dads don't figure out to do the work necessary or figure out their own way of doing things. It could of been he didn't rise to the occation though or was out working to pay for sais twins.

Practically speaking: This is why I suggest going out and leaving him with the kids. Maybe him and his girlfriend can look after the boys. After all, if she is to be his gf then she will need to pitch in. He has two very young kids. That means he has no time unless she is included in his life more. Other wise a date once a week seems all that is managable no? That way the OP can go out one night, one night with husband, and the rest together with family? Maybe two nights each for going out depending? Just thinking out loud. oh and she can babysit while you go out. There are some huge benefits here. All emotions aside that is.
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Last edited by redpepper; 02-28-2011 at 11:56 PM.
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  #15  
Old 02-28-2011, 08:09 PM
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kreeativ kreeativ is offline
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i just dont think this man should have ever had kids,he's obviously not a respectable sort. maybe she's better off on her own until such time she happens across someone who does love her. this guy doesnt love her,or respect her.
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  #16  
Old 02-28-2011, 08:21 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Ummm he might be a crappy husband. But I haven't seen anything referencing what he is like as a father. Unless I am missing something.
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  #17  
Old 02-28-2011, 09:05 PM
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Mahogany Mahogany is offline
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Thank you all for your time and replies. You have given me a lot to think about.

I do feel he is selfish....even the mistress has said it too. But he is loving as well. Weird how he can be both

I am not happy doing this.....but I am willing to staying in it and trying to heal. But the relationship I have with the gf is very strained

Thank you so much for your support.....and I don't know what would justify his actions of cheating on me

And some times I feel he still is cheating, just now I know about it
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  #18  
Old 02-28-2011, 11:59 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mahogany View Post
some times I feel he still is cheating, just now I know about it
yup.

I would wonder what he has to say. Any chance of getting him on here? Hearing two sides often helps put it all into perspective. So as to offer better solutions and relating personal history.
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  #19  
Old 03-01-2011, 02:36 AM
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Mahogany Mahogany is offline
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Default The Other Point of View to No longer feeling good

Yes Redpepper,

He actually plans to post this evening. I am really looking forward to all your replies to his post...NOT because I expect you to attack him....but because I genuinely love him and want to protect our love/connection. If we are doing something wrong, we need to know and we need to fix it. Is it me? Do I need to suck-it-up and go numb, hoping that in the future it will all be ok....that I will grow to be happy in this "cage"?

I trust you all because you seem so sincere here. You all also are experiencing things that fall under the same realm as our issues do.....and we know no one else we can talk to that would really understand.

I only want happiness with my husband, but it seems I am incapable of sharing him and being happy/whole in the process

He will post here this evening.....letting you all know where to read he's thread....so you get the other side of this situation.

Last edited by Mahogany; 03-01-2011 at 03:41 AM.
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  #20  
Old 03-01-2011, 03:40 AM
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Mahogany Mahogany is offline
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Hello All!!!

I am Mahogany's husband..... As long as I have had an interest in women, there has always been two. My main woman (in this case my wife) and the other woman (GF). Through out life my GF alway knew about my main woman but never the other way around....

About a month and a half ago I realized I didn't want it that way anymore because it's unfair for my wife to be left in the dark... I sat her down and told her there has been someone else for a while.... I have never felt guilty about having two in my life, but I feel guilty for her (Wife) not having a choice in the matter.... I understand what I'm asking my wife to accept is very difficult. I don't know what Poly is or what classifies you as Poly.... I don't know if what I'm asking of her is right or if what I want is right.... but it doesn't feel wrong to me in the less bit, am I wrong or just crazy

My wife and GF are so much alike in so many ways yet so different but both of them bring me joy.... I feel if they can become friends and get to know each other this can work and be a wonderful thing for all three of us... I know my GF came into our relationship with an understanding that it would never be just me and her, so she is more acceptable to this then my wife is.... I know my wife is going to look at my GF with hate in her eyes and talk to her with venom on her tongue, it's expected.... I don't know how long it takes for my wife to heal, not become numb, for this to really work but I'm willing to wait/work it out till it becomes great like the way I envision it.... My wife is more of the career and goal driven type... and I love that about her. My GF more like the nurture and cook/cleaning type... and I love that about her.... I'm not saying neither one can't be the other, but if they tried to switch position it would be more forced (I hope y'all understand that part)... So I ask you, the people, for help and advise... to help her... to help me.. and to help us three to grow as one.. Thank you

Mr. M
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