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Old 02-23-2011, 08:02 PM
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ladyintricate ladyintricate is offline
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Default New Mono Here and New to Poly

I am a mono female who is trying to figure out if I can be in a poly relationship.

I have a long post (sorry) about the specfic details that brought me to thinking about poly under the New to Poly section if you want to look. I will try to keep it short here.

My husband and I are extremely close and love eachother very much. We have been married now for 12 years and have 2 kids. Recently he came to the conclusion that he is poly and has been all of his life, but hiding it from me and himself because he felt it was wrong. He told me this and that he wants to try and explore this about himself.

I am trying to figure out what all of this means and will mean for his, my, and our childrens' lives and happiness.

I know that I am mono, but I also know that I love my husband and I want us to both be happy. I am hoping I can find some wisdom here (and I already have, thanks!) about some possible roads we can take to get there for both of us. I already feel so much better after reading the posts here because I see that I am not alone (even though society tries to make it seem that way).

Last edited by ladyintricate; 02-23-2011 at 08:04 PM.
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Old 02-26-2011, 07:13 PM
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kreeativ kreeativ is offline
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i must say that a great deal of dealing with this is having an open mind,which is obvious that you do,cuz your here,trying to figure it out.
it was extremely difficult for me to tell the love of my life that i am poly. she is mono,and she is trying to figure out why.
society can dictate alot of things,and we base our whole preception of who we think we are in relation to what society accepts.
i wonder if maybe your hubby felt this,and that is a part of me almost wishes i wasnt poly,cuz then i wouldnt be causeing my loved one any pain.
one might want to keep in mind that they have the choice to feel the way they do. this is a concept uncomfortable for most,cuz they want to blame something outside them selves for their discomfort,they dont want to be responsible for their own feelings. but she transforms this discomfort into love on a higher level.through this we are both evolving,its powerful.
so as we get older,i think we get less affraid of looking deep into ourselves see the things we dont like about ourselves,then learn to accept those things and honor them,by being authentic.
people like to chalk these types of life change self discoveries as being merely mid life crisis,its way bigger than that.
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Old 02-27-2011, 08:57 AM
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Originally Posted by kreeativ View Post
keep in mind that they have the choice to feel the way they do. t.
If this is the case why are there so many poly people struggling with causing pain to their partners because they have fallen in love with other people? Why don't they just choose not to feel love for the other person.
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Old 02-27-2011, 09:18 AM
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If this is the case why are there so many poly people struggling with causing pain to their partners because they have fallen in love with other people? Why don't they just choose not to feel love for the other person.
This.

If it were as simple as a choice for me, it would be easy to make that choice.
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Old 02-27-2011, 07:57 PM
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love isnt a feeling.you get a feeling when your in love yes and you may feel love,but love in its true essence is not a feeling. we dont get to always chose who we fall in love with it just happens.im not talking about initial lustful connections,im talking about love.true love.
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Old 02-28-2011, 04:08 AM
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Hello from a fellow Houstonian. We can relate fully. But if done right it can be a lovely journey that can be enjoyed by both. Would love to talk some more with you both.
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Old 02-28-2011, 02:39 PM
Beodude123 Beodude123 is offline
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Ladyinticate, I can certainly feel for you. My wife just recently discovered she is poly. I'm pretty sure I'm mono, but hope that I can give poly a try as well.


It's been difficult for me. The last 6 weeks have been a very interesting roller coaster ride. From my experience though, it's certainly been positive. I learned just how much I love my wife. She means everything to me. Our love has grown leaps and bounds, which is something I didn't think could happen like that.

I have a hard time dealing with the fear of loss, no matter how irrational it is. All Jen can do is to reassure me that everything is fine, and she's not going anywhere. Thankfully, we have embarked on this journey with a mutual friend, that has a lot of respect for what we have, and for each of us.

It hasn't been an easy transition, but we are all living it day to day, and we feel better for it.
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Old 02-28-2011, 03:26 PM
ckn46 ckn46 is offline
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Ladyintricate,

Welcome!

I would first like to applaud your courage to stand up here and open yourself up here in this forum. You are brave and open minded, much respect to you for taking this step for yourself and your relationship with your husband.

I am not in your position of being a mono in a poly/mono relationship. In fact I am more closely related to your husband's position. However because of that I felt compelled to write and say HI and offer what I can from the other side of the mirror.

I am currently in a V with two monogamous and heterosexual women, we all live separately and each have children from different relationships. For this to work for us it requires that we all practice radical honesty and acceptance with one another.

One of my loves wants to hear all of the details, the other not nearly as much. Though by being honest across the board, and through each of us accepting one anothers idiosyncrasies we manage to make it work.

I can honestly tell you that it is not easy, but it is so rewarding for everyone involved to know that they are loved.

However the only advice I can give you is:
  • Continue to be honest and direct with him about all of your feelings.
  • Know, understand and discuss those feelings. Own your feelings, allow him to own his own.
  • Set clearly defined boundaries of what is and is not ok with you.
  • Communicate clearly when you feel those boundaries have been crossed.
  • Accept and love him for who he is. Do not try to change him, for on his side of the fence, an attempt to change him will likely seen as rejection.

There is plenty of writing here and in the multitude of literature about managing Jealousy and Communication - which in my experiences are the two most difficult parts in maintaining a poly/mono relationship.

I certainly hope that this works for you and that you continue to feel loved and love those that are in your life.

I look forward to learning more about your story and experiences as you begin this journey.


chris
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Old 03-01-2011, 11:45 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Beodude123 View Post
I have a hard time dealing with the fear of loss, no matter how irrational it is. All Jen can do is to reassure me that everything is fine, and she's not going anywhere.

Thankfully, we have embarked on this journey with a mutual friend, that has a lot of respect for what we have, and for each of us.
I can completely empathize with you on this. I feel like J (my husband) and I have stopped taking each other for granted and that is certainly a good thing, but the fear of being abandoned can be very tough at times. My husband also reassures me when I get panicky and I think that for now that is all that he really can do. Honesty is definitely key.

I love what you say about embarking on a journey with a mutual friend! He is my best friend in the world and a part of me feels like if things were to be shaken up like this, at least it is a journey I am taking with him by my side.
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Last edited by ladyintricate; 03-01-2011 at 11:47 PM.
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Old 03-01-2011, 11:57 PM
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ladyintricate ladyintricate is offline
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Originally Posted by ckn46 View Post
However the only advice I can give you is:
  • Continue to be honest and direct with him about all of your feelings.
  • Know, understand and discuss those feelings. Own your feelings, allow him to own his own.
  • Set clearly defined boundaries of what is and is not ok with you.
  • Communicate clearly when you feel those boundaries have been crossed.
  • Accept and love him for who he is. Do not try to change him, for on his side of the fence, an attempt to change him will likely seen as rejection.
Thanks Chris! Those words mean a lot and the list of considerations are very helpful. We are still in the very early stages of this adventure, but we are doing better day by day.
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