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  #21  
Old 02-25-2011, 03:32 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I'm truly glad you have not taken offense to anything of my questions or comments because that is not my intention. As you know getting the full picture from short sentences is hard.

I think I now understand how maca could have wound up dead... I hope you have talked to a professional for that as well.

Don't get the opp in principal. Seem unfair or unbalanced. Was that before the poly journey ? GG a man right?

Who's got the desire to get revenge?

glad you found something funny.... and that's how it feels sometime.

Take care and good luck D
Yes, I know all about how easily one can be misunderstood in real life, much less online. I have it down to a fine art! I'm actually enjoying our conversation.

There's so much more of course to every story-more of my side, more of his side, more of their side, more of our side etc. It it what it is.

I've spent quite a fair share of time in therapy and continue to work on things using the principals I learned there. My goal in life is to be the best version of myself possible, and let me tell you what-that requires daily effort!

I don't agree with "rules" that create unbalance in a relationship-in either direction. That is what happens with an affair, it creates unbalance, because of the lie. If the lie weren't there, having sex with another person may not create that lack of balance, but if a lie is there-it sure as hell does.

Yes, that was all before the poly, before the affair as well.
Yes, GG is a man.
I am bi-but, the woman who can melt my heart... well, there was one, but she is gone. There was another who might be able to, but she's too busy to find out.

I've had desire for revenge before, though not with Maca. I'm SURE he had a desire for revenge at some point over the whole disaster trainwreck of our relationship. But, at this point, I don't think that anyone here does.
(well, except maybe my daughter, against her unborn child, cause he keeps kicking and twisting etc)

You take care too! Look forward to talking with you more. Like conversating with people who can make me think!
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  #22  
Old 02-25-2011, 04:08 AM
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(well, except maybe my daughter, against her unborn child, cause he keeps kicking and twisting etc)
She may have to wait a few years or so. I think every parent gets their revenge, but not until they become grandparents. My parents are certainly getting their revenge.

Sorry, completely off topic.
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  #23  
Old 02-25-2011, 02:56 PM
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Wow, LR, I think the three of you should become poster children for polyfidelity. I mean, so much for the saying 'when the going gets tough, the poly get the hell outta here'. I can't imagine anyone hearing your story and saying that people go poly just because they don't want to deal with anything unpleasant in their relationships.
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  #24  
Old 02-25-2011, 06:26 PM
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LR
thanks for the kind words I enjoy talking with you also.

I completely understand your remark about becoming the best "you"... you can be. I started this a few yrs ago as a result of marriage counseling. I really couldn't wait for or expect any change from my wife. And after doing all the assigned reading and lots of self discovery on what made me feel better my perspective or attitude changed. As a result lots things changed for the better. I'm sure you have seen this shift as well. I must admit I'm not as religious about it as you....daily...but I try to be mindful of that goal often.

Your interest in poly has been there for a long time.... exploring the possibility of women and the resulting reason for the opp. When you posted that I thought you were saying he was going out and having partners but you could only enjoy women..... and now I can't understand how I could have got that picture.... I'm blaming it on my lens...

Now I do understand the concept of the opp. Not sure I agree with it but I get it. I just think if you remove gender from the equation sex is sex.

Do you have a green light to explore those female relationships or is that something that has to be hashed out with the team? In the bigger tribes or constellations or whatever they are called I see it as that scene in animal house where there's a picture up on the screen and everyone gets to vote and throw stuff at image they disapprove of.


SN

where ya been? ....Thanks again for the explanation of your user name..
I did post a couple of comments/questions on the "primary" thread used the SN moniker so you may have missed it.

As for what blackunicorn said about being poster children. Definitely the poster children for sticking it and trying to solve the hard problems. You should all be commended for that. Today commitments are more or less disposable you should be proud of that.
Take care D
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  #25  
Old 02-25-2011, 08:14 PM
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SN
where ya been? ....Thanks again for the explanation of your user name..
I did post a couple of comments/questions on the "primary" thread used the SN moniker so you may have missed it.
Sorry, I did see it, but forgot to go back and reply, when I had access to a real computer and not just my phone. All taken care of.
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  #26  
Old 02-26-2011, 08:03 AM
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Redepper thanks...

So outside of core understanding your relationship would change and from what you said may suffer. What you have described was/is the situation of most of us who have had mono relationships for yrs and yrs then out of the blue this need has been discovered. The text messages would start to decrease, phone calls would become less frequent and more fact or informational. Meaning you need to pick up this or so and so called or I'm running late wont be home at the usual time. Focus is over as you knew it. It becomes a simple math problem..... time divided by (x) X= number of partners.

A few weeks back mono posted something along the lines of pulling back and acting in a more secondary role....he got many replies....very few actual responded to his question. Most wanted to discuss the boundaries that the two of you agree to or his reasons for the boundary...Nobody thought to explore if he was to 2 or 3 outside relationships. I now think maybe that was the actual question. I saw his question through the lens that I was wearing at that moment in time. Seeing it as a camping issue or being in a space that makes him uncomfortable. Lets think if mono brought some hot blond who has her own Harley to the camping trip??? And yes they are out there "hot single bikers" and yes they have teeth. I actually know one and she is a corporate lawyer... the only down side is she's a lawyer.

You suggested that pn doesn't handle NRE very well and he drops the ball when it comes to his responsibility. I gather you are talking about family obligations and or time with your son. NOT so much his time and attention to you.
If Mono brought a woman camping I would be more threatened if she were a lawyer but I wouldn't really feel threatened by her relationship with him... just my own stuff about me and her being a lawyer and owning a bike. JEALOUS on a couple of counts.

I don't want to be a lawyer, but I often think I haven't lived my full potential because I got no help with my learning disability and because I didn't really know what to do with myself that would make any money... I'm an Art Therapist by trade... that's what I went to school for. NO money in that.

I would be jealous of the bike too. Kinda a dream to go on a long ride on my own Harley somewhere with Mono and a bunch of others. PN rolls his eyes at the thought. No interest.

I take it you are asking because you want to know what I would think if Mono were to fall in love with another woman? Well I would be very concerned because he would leave me if that were the case. It would mean we are over.

He has given me a list of what to look for if we are over in his eyes and I pay very close attention. I saw some signs after I broke my boundary with Leo. I was very fearful that there was no coming back from that. It really helped to know the signs as he is not forth coming with information in situations like that.

As to PN in his NRE, yes, no responsibility for family or me... not good with the time thing... always in lala land somewhere, even if he is standing right there. Annoying as hell and after a time, just not okay. I get that one needs a bit of that. I have compersion for that; but we are talking constant!
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  #27  
Old 02-27-2011, 12:25 AM
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RP
I was thinking of this as a purely mental exercise. How would the dynamics change....I wasn't thinking you would be threaten by any of it. but if it makes you feel better take the lawyer part out.... he's way to smart to fall for a lawyer anyway.

What is an art therapist? Sounds fun sorry about the money. Are you having fun and or enjoying your job now? I was in an industry in which I made a ridiculous amount money very high stress and I would characterize as soulless. I now build things way more rewarding but less money. What I started out to be and where in am today are so wildly apart you wouldn't believe it.

So PN doesn't believe you will do it "the Harley thing" or thinks is stupid or frivolous or unappealing for him.

I wasn't asking what you would think if mono fell in love...I was interested in if you ever plugged in multiple partners from the other prospective....just as mental game. You see I have often asked myself if I was to do this behavior or say that to my wife I wonder what would be the reaction. As you said time, attention, and focus is what you have from mono now and if he took a more secondary roll or even had what you have with leo how would that change your dynamic. What would happen if mono cross similar boundary ....what would be your reaction if any? Again just a mental game.

Does or has PN treated your time with him as something he should do out of fairness or does he assume with all the other things and partners he will not be missed by you? I can see slighting your son as huge problem....I know in my situation it is.

Thanks D
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  #28  
Old 02-27-2011, 08:38 AM
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What would happen if mono cross similar boundary ....what would be your reaction if any? D
Hi my friend,

She wouldn't have to worry about her reaction..I'd dump myself from the relationship. I hold myself to a a very high standard. I've made mistakes and hurt people very badly...but I learned from them. Repeating those mistakes seems pathological to me.

RP has a Masters in Art Therapy. She is way more than a pretty face
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  #29  
Old 02-27-2011, 12:07 PM
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hi mono.... thanks

Yes I know what your saying...your not getting in the spirit of the mental game.

Part of why I started this thread was an exploration of how our (wife /myself) dynamic will change if/when my focus is no longer on her. Because of circumstance of your dynamic is very relate-able. As I've plugged in different scenarios to imagine all the possible outcomes.....granted this is all imagination so I don't hold it up as fact but I do think you can get close. This isn't much different than creating a computer model and plugging in different players and scenarios....except as you know I'm not that good with computers so I have to do it in my head.

Right now or should I say up until recently my wife has enjoyed and wanted primary status for each other.... her words... most likely spoken as to give me comfort or something. So if in this dynamic that changes how will every thing else be effected. And I realize in this type of thing I'm only going to see the big glaring things and lots of little things are going to slip by.

I'm not sure if she really understands how this is going to change her world....or maybe she doesn't care and is looking for change. I'm looking farther down field I think. Blame it on NRE... great t-shirt idea... you guy could wear them at your poly events.... might be funny.

Bottom line I think I was asking because if being the poly member and enjoying the focus of the mono how would that relationship change and how would the dynamic change if other partners or relationships evolve from the mono making things completely poly.

One of my sticking points has been time and focus.... By RP's own description your time, focus, and attention is on her. I may have already wrote this but what she described is how a lot of us use to feel and live. She (RP) summarized what I had and how I felt. Out side the labels...human to human its the same.... and she really enjoys that...wow me too. And so does my wife.

I hope you can see my intention..... thanks D
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  #30  
Old 02-27-2011, 10:08 PM
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Okay so what if, hypothetically, Mono decided he was in love with another woman and wanted to share his time with her and me. I would have to adjust the time we spend together I think a bit, he has a lot of his own time, so he might want less time with me in order to accommodate her and her needs as well as his own. That would be hard to do as I love the time we have together, but I would hope I would be able to feel the pain of that and adjust over time.

I would find it hard to think of them together and would make every attempt to get to know her as a metamour in order to have those feelings elevated as much as I can. I'm sure there would be some crying and whining as my primary queen roll is dismantled and I need to make way for another... I would think I would be primary for a time, but in time another person merges and becomes part of a whole and I would hope that I would be willing to welcome her. That can be difficult if its someone I don't get along with... but its not up to me what he would do with his life and if I want a relationship with him and our own time, drama a trouble free, I would work towards that....

And oh ya. I would make damned sure that I would be able to date and have sex with anyone that I feel is a good fit to my life... with discussion from all my loves of course. The compromised boundaries would move and would need adjusting also.

hope I am giving some insight... I'm not sure why you want to know. But as I have one partner that has dated others, I would think it wouldn't be too much different in theory. These things are not the same in reality though most of the time.
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