I don't how to do this

[BlackUnicorn]

Originally Posted by Reptigal

I'm really afraid what other family members would say if they found out.

Often in situations like yours, family will side up with the partner they see as the underdog. In your case, that would be you, the partner who's not poly. Having the family gang up on one or the other can really mess up relationships, so you are reasonable to feel afraid of it getting out at this point when everything is still very new. However, people in general want their loved ones to be happy. If you make sure that you are happy in the relationship, that is bound to reflect on your family, if and when you choose to disclose your situation to them.

Originally Posted by Reptigal

I want to know how we can start slow. What do we do? What restrictions am I reasonably allowed to set right now?

Communicate, communicate, sleep, communicate some more, cry, communicate, go to work, continue communicating.

You are allowed as many restrictions you want right now. You must also understand that your partner might have hard time keeping to them. But I think it is reasonable to ask them both to slow down enough so you can get on the same page, and to be honest.

Originally Posted by Reptigal

If I let him escort her to events she doesn't want to go to alone, albeit they don't have sex is that unfair. Am I allowed to say right now they are not allowed to kiss? Should I confront her about hogging up all his time? Should I talk to her in person about it?

No. Yes. Yes. Definitely yes! Please remember you are allowed the things you feel and ask for the time you need. The more time they spend together, the more likely it is that some restrictions will be tip-toed around and maybe broken. It's imperative you talk to this girl about how you feel. She might only be getting her info from your partner, and needs to hear how you feel and why you feel that some things, like constant online chatting, are corrosive to your situation atm.

Originally Posted by Reptigal

How slow is too slow?

There is no such thing as too slow.

[SNeacail]

Originally Posted by Reptigal

Is there a way we can make this work?

Others have done it, there is always a way, it's just a matter of what each or you are willing to do to make it work. Spend some time (days/weeks ) reading in the "General" section and the "Lifes Stories/Blogs" section.

I want to know how we can start slow. What do we do? What restrictions am I reasonably allowed to set right now?

Do a tag search on boundries and look through the threads posted in the "Golden Nuggets" section. There is a lot of discussion on these topics and it does help to see what others have done and what tends to work and not work.

How slow is too slow?

This is another topic that comes up alot, look for the threads. Sorry don't know the "tag" for this one (RP would ). The consensus seems to be to set timelines on how long your allowed to stay in certain holding patterns.

Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn

There is no such thing as too slow.

Yes there is. It's not uncommon for people to use going slow as a tactic to stall all progress, hense the need for deadlines for each step.

[MonoVCPHG]

A little pessimistic here..sorry.

I don't know when you are going to get married but might I suggest a very long engagement; at least until you see how you deal if this other relationship does happen.

I'm also a bit sceptical when people who all of a sudden feel polyamorous because they fall in love or want to have sex with another person. Sometimes people actually lose connection with their partner but don't have the strength to deal with it…that's what happened for me. Poly can be wonderful but it can also be used as trendy cover to mask some pretty basic human behaviour.

Be careful...think about all aspects of your future and definitely ask both of them very hard questions. You're talking about getting married; marriage sets couples apart in a very integrated way. Would this other woman be ok with that? Will you be ok telling your bridesmaids about your husband's girlfriend?

Protect your heart, be understanding that this could be very real for your fiancé and think further down the road. You obviously want a long future with this man so looking long term is highly recommended.

[Magdlyn]

OK. Gosh. So you're both quite young, being responsible, planning to get married as soon as you can afford it.

You're working hard at jobs on different shifts, to save up for the wedding of your dreams. Then Miss Rock and Roller steps into the picture, joins your bf's band, gets to see him at practice, and then they both also choose to spend online time together during the rare time you and your bf have together.

This is not polyamory, this is your bf getting tired of acting like an adult and wanting to have a bit of fun on the side.

If it were me, I'd request he stop all online communication with her unless it's the simplest thing like when the band is going to meet. No dates, no kissing, no talking to her when it's one of the rare times you and he have together. You 2 need to talk, and have dates, and make time for good sex, and all the other stuff you did back when you were first falling in love. If he can't or won't agree to this, he probably doesn't want to get married. He doesn't deserve your trust and commitment.

Good luck!

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by Reptigal

The good news is we are communicating about the situation. I've made my feelings known and that I need more time with him because I feel I'm being shoved away.

Yes, that is a good start in the right direction.

He said he doesn't understand why he feels this way about this girl . . .

Eh, it's just chemicals (from the vibe she's directing his way). He's letting himself get carried away - perhaps getting scared of the bigger event that is looming - marriage?

I've requested he slow down with this other girl. That I need time to think this through and a chance to educate myself.

I'm still uncomfortable about some of this. I feel bad that I secretly hope that by not agreeing to him being allowed to "date" her eventually the feeling will die down. I know that's wrong and manipulative and I don't want to be like that. I wouldn't mind their communication so much if it was only when I was at work or at skating lessons, but it happens even when I'm home and I think that is having more of an effect on me.

Your feelings are not wrong. They are simply your feelings.

I don't think it's enough to just say, "go slow," without defining what that means. Otherwise, it's too open for interpretation. I think it's very reasonable to ask that he limit his contact with her to band-related stuff ONLY, and not during off time from the band unless it's for scheduling. He needs to extricate himself from her spell so he can see things more clearly.

Originally Posted by Reptigal

I want to know how we can start slow. What do we do? What restrictions am I reasonably allowed to set right now?

If I let him escort her to events she doesn't want to go to alone, albeit they don't have sex is that unfair.

This is bullshit - let her get someone else to escort her. Aren't there other dudes in the band or in her life? Why is she glomming on to him? She seems to be zeroing in. Why does he feel like he needs to accompany her? That is weird.

Oh, and you're very sweet but really, he's your fiance and you guys are a monogamous couple. Just because he brought up this possibility and you're reading up on polyamory doesn't mean you now are selfish to ask that your FIANCE not have sex with anyone else. You both have made a commitment to each other -- where is his allegiance to that commitment and respect for it, and to you? Is it something he can toss aside so easily when someone else shakes her thing around him?

That's why I think he needs time away from her, as limited as possible - and not just for a few days or weeks, either -- so he can examine whether or not he really wants to be polyamorous, or if it's just some infatuation with someone who could just see him as a casual fling, or a conquest. What would the damage be to his relationship with you if he went that route? He needs to redirect his energies back to his relationship with you in order to see if he really does feel the need for more relationships in his life.

Am I allowed to say right now they are not allowed to kiss? Should I confront her about hogging up all his time? Should I talk to her in person about it?

He's your fiance and you guys are not in a poly relationship. All these things are reasonable, IMHO.

By the way, I don't really think she is your friend. I think she wants your man, though she denies it. Or she gets off on the drama, or feeds her ego with being able to attract someone who's taken. Your guy needs to shake himself out of his dream world and get back to planet earth, get back to relationship with you.

Oh, and what Flamekat wrote bears repeating:

Originally Posted by FlameKat

From your last post, I would think it within your right to ask him to set aside specific times for when he does 'band stuff' when you are around .... and that the rest of the time is YOURS... no interruptions from this girl during your time.. at least for now while you are adjusting...

Another option would be for you to take an interest and join in with the 'band stuff'... and again I would stipulate that non-band time is to have no interruptions from this girl... for now...

[Reptigal]

@Magdlyn @nycindie

Ok I'm gonna refer to other girl as "R"

1. R lives in our home city, but she's not from there and we live right now 5 hours away (yay for moving for jobs).

2. My fiancee and R are the only band members, he's been a solo musician since he was a young teen.

3. B/c of where we live they do all their band stuff via Skype and IM chatting.

R is supposed to be visiting us next month...to work on music stuff. I want to write out some conditions I have for them and confront them over everything. I want to lay down everything I feel I have a right to thank to you all.

I also want to direct my fiancee to this forum b/c if he thinks this is what he wants then he better start doing some reading...I'm not going to be responsible for everything and I really think that he needs to take some action and proving whether or not this is what he wants.

[Magdlyn]

Wait a minute. She doesn't live nearby, yet they are forming a musical duo? Which gives them an excuse to chat online all the time? So they aren't actually practicing music together, just chatting about music and whatever else they feel like chatting about?

He always played solo, yet is now wanting to play music with her, even tho she lives 5 hours away, and even tho he is engaged to be married??

All I can say is, hmmmm...

[Reptigal]

They just released an EP (it's electronica music...mostly computerized synths less real instruments)

They are actually making music but they also chat a lot too.

[nycindie]

I think directing your fiance to this site and your thread is a good idea. It's a very healthy thing you said about not wanting to be the only one doing the work. Has to be a two-way street.

You both met this chick when she needed a ride, and now she's really wound her way in. Yes, I think boundaries are in order here!

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by Reptigal

R is supposed to be visiting us next month...to work on music stuff. I want to write out some conditions I have for them and confront them over everything. I want to lay down everything I feel I have a right to thank to you all.

I also want to direct my fiancee to this forum b/c if he thinks this is what he wants then he better start doing some reading...I'm not going to be responsible for everything and I really think that he needs to take some action and proving whether or not this is what he wants.

All good ideas... start writing. And get him to join us we don't bite. We know there is always two sides to everything. It sounds like he might benefit from some heads up on some things....

I would wonder how much of this is musically related.... "yay, something to share with someone that my girlfriend, whom I hardly see because shes at work, doesn't enjoy as much as me!....I'm so in love with this other woman because she gets my music and we make beautiful music together....."

hmmmmmm.....

wonder how much of this is going through his mind. The fact that they just released something together is like their love child. How many popular musicians do you know that went through this same thing? Music is awesome, and so is on line romance with glimpses of the person in between, but it isn't real life.... taking the garbage out, dishes and laundry and STILL loving the person you are with is real life. Maybe this should all just slow down... to answer your question, until some stuff is sorted out as to "why" this has happened off the top of his head.

Sounds like a bit of a fantasy to me. If you were all good before she came along I would really look at what he thinks he is missing in his life before diving in to a relationship with this woman. That is kind of what you do AFTER you work out your shit with the person you are with.