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  #11  
Old 02-24-2011, 04:33 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Redepper thanks...

So outside of core understanding your relationship would change and from what you said may suffer. What you have described was/is the situation of most of us who have had mono relationships for yrs and yrs then out of the blue this need has been discovered. The text messages would start to decrease, phone calls would become less frequent and more fact or informational. Meaning you need to pick up this or so and so called or I'm running late wont be home at the usual time. Focus is over as you knew it. It becomes a simple math problem..... time divided by (x) X= number of partners.

A few weeks back mono posted something along the lines of pulling back and acting in a more secondary role....he got many replies....very few actual responded to his question. Most wanted to discuss the boundaries that the two of you agree to or his reasons for the boundary...Nobody thought to explore if he was to 2 or 3 outside relationships. I now think maybe that was the actual question. I saw his question through the lens that I was wearing at that moment in time. Seeing it as a camping issue or being in a space that makes him uncomfortable. Lets think if mono brought some hot blond who has her own Harley to the camping trip??? And yes they are out there "hot single bikers" and yes they have teeth. I actually know one and she is a corporate lawyer... the only down side is she's a lawyer.

You suggested that pn doesn't handle NRE very well and he drops the ball when it comes to his responsibility. I gather you are talking about family obligations and or time with your son. NOT so much his time and attention to you.

LovingRadiance

wow...Are you saying that the 3 of you lived in the same house for years during which many of those you were having an affair with GG??? Out of 9 yrs how many were you cheating? I really don't understand how GG and maybe even you, is still alive.....I'm kidding of course. I wonder if the two of you will ever know how devastating this is or was to him.... it may bubble up and out years later. That type of betrayal and the feeling of being a chump or sucker doesn't go away with a one time drunk. I hope he went to therapist for this... I would say this scar may be around for a very long time. I can see a dozen reasons why he has sough out other relationships I have a few of those myself. His becoming poly was a response to his situation...he wants back what he thinks he lost. He may want to make you feel in a very small way what he was forced to feel. This is exactly how I feel. Hell he may be fine and moved on.... I wouldn't count on that... even if things look good.....ticking time bomb. Again I'm looking at things through my puked on lens.. I sincerely wish you all the luck and best wishes in the world. Even more for Maca

Take care D
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  #12  
Old 02-24-2011, 07:47 PM
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I now think maybe that was the actual question. I saw his question through the lens that I was wearing at that moment in time. Seeing it as a camping issue or being in a space that makes him uncomfortable. Lets think if mono brought some hot blond who has her own Harley to the camping trip??? And yes they are out there "hot single bikers" and yes they have teeth. I actually know one and she is a corporate lawyer... the only down side is she's a lawyer.

D
Just to clarify, pulling back and taking a more secondary role did not include adding more partners for me LOL! As long as I am Redpepper's intimate partner she will always be my one and only intimate partner.

No biker chicks for me...I ride a Sportster...people call me the chick
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  #13  
Old 02-24-2011, 08:31 PM
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Lets think if mono brought some hot blond who has her own Harley to the camping trip??? And yes they are out there "hot single bikers" and yes they have teeth.
Not blonde, no Harley, had a Triumph, going to have another.... does that count? (I have teeth, hair and some say a nice ass) J/K

Quote:
LovingRadiance

wow...Are you saying that the 3 of you lived in the same house for years during which many of those you were having an affair with GG???
Yes. I was having an affair of the heart the entire time. I was having a physical affair a small portion of that time, but more than once. There were several years in between that were not physical. But-that's neither here, nor there. The point being, that I was having an affair.

Quote:
Out of 9 yrs how many were you cheating?
I'm not sure precisely how to answer this question, because of what I wrote above. I'll try to elaborate as succinctly as poss. Understanding-I'm NOT MAKING EXCUSES-just relaying facts ok?

I've known GG for 18 years (since 1993). I had sex with him the first time 16 years ago (1995). Maca and I began dating after re-encountering one another in 1998. At that time I had not had sex with GG since the one time in 1995. The DAY that Maca reappeared in my life, I had made plans to meet GG for coffee to discuss moving in together....
In 1999 Maca and I were married, GG walked Maca's son and my daughter down the aisle in the wedding ceremony.
A lot of drama not pertinent to the point and unrelated to GG, that resulted in Maca and I having relationship issues ensued.
In 2001 my daughter (10 yrs) had to be sent out of state for her protection from Maca's ex-wife. I became suicidal and Maca distanced himself further.
Having been attached emotionally to my daughter (helping raise her since she was 18 months old) as well as me, GG stepped in to try and help. Maca accused me at that time of having an affair, but I was not.
The accusations continued and became more and more intense as the months passed. In June, Maca told me he was leaving. He acknowledges now it was intentional, to make me "break down" so he could return and be the "knight in shining armor".
However, due to my already precarious hold on myself, it resulted in me snapping. We were staying at GG's apartment temporarily and when Maca left, I curled up in a ball on the stairs and freaked out, where GG found me. He took me upstairs (his bedroom, but the only room away from the livingroom where the boys were). He tried to comfort and calm me-but I wasn't consolable. I went to the shower, curled up in the bottom of the tub sobbing. GG came in, pulled me up and I basically fell into his arms asking him if he loved me, if he would love me blah blah (I can't quote it, it wasn't sensible). Maca walked in.
Shortest version-he tried to kill GG, assualted me, packed the kids and me in the car, drove us out to the house (we were trying to sell it-long story). Violence followed that encounter. I called a friend the next day to come get me and moved to Fairbanks.
Started having an affair with GG. Accepted my feelings for him (I'd always refused to act on them on the basis that he was too immature).
Maca and "reconciled". I stopped the physical affair for a time.
Maca moved GG into our house 9 years ago "to make me happy" according to him (I never asked him to do that).
The physical affair restarted and stopped several times.
Sept 2009 I decided that my life was a fucking train wreck and I needed to get my shit in order. I got honest with myself-and with Maca and GG as well as the kids and my siblings, parents etc.

Quote:
I really don't understand how GG and maybe even you, is still alive.....I'm kidding of course.
It's not a joke. I don't know either-but I also don't know how Maca's alive. I'll leave it at that, because it's not my story to tell, it's his. I am willing to tell all of what I've done wrong, because that's part of the responsibility with doing things wrong, you take responsibility for them, acknowledge them, atone for them and try to make right anything you can regarding your actions. But, it's not my place to track other people's wrong doings.
It's enough to say that we are all aware that each of has had opportunity to kill the other and have society in general consider the murder "justified".

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I wonder if the two of you will ever know how devastating this is or was to him.... it may bubble up and out years later.
Of course not. I can know what it was to find my ex with another lover while I carried our daughter in my belly. I can know what it was to feel my beloved brutally raping me. I can know what it was like to murder my unborn child-not once, but twice. But, we can all only know the experience as we live it, because we are each different. I can only attempt to make amends in whatever manner I'm capable of and he's willing to accept. The same is true for GG. The same is in fact true for Maca.

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That type of betrayal and the feeling of being a chump or sucker doesn't go away with a one time drunk.
Oh hell no. Of course not. 500 drunks, 5000 drunks won't help.
Quote:
I hope he went to therapist for this... I would say this scar may be around for a very long time.
Seen a therapist yes, managed to work on THIS issue, no. Because, as multiple therapists have told him, there are so many prior issues (prior to me) that he needs serious help on, that he hasn't GOTTEN to this one yet (sort of a chronological order AND deal with the biggest one first scenario, this being neither the first OR the worst)

Quote:
I can see a dozen reasons why he has sough out other relationships I have a few of those myself.
So can I. Doesn't work, but I had to learn that the hard way-some of us do. Hopefully, he won't learn it with such heartache as I did.

Quote:
His becoming poly was a response to his situation...he wants back what he thinks he lost.
Yes and no. He always was open to the idea of other sexual partners. He had other sexual partners with my consent prior to any of this starting. He just wanted it to be a OPP.

Quote:
He may want to make you feel in a very small way what he was forced to feel.
He did, for a time. But, that didn't work, because I'm not possessive or insecure the way he is. I love HIM, not what he does for me. I FULLY admit that I wasn't lovING him when I was being a moron all of those years. But, as I've worked on myself, learned how to be real and true with myself, I've also learned that loving him means accepting him-with his faults. Regardless of who he sleeps with, dates, etc-I love HIM and because of that, I want what is best for him, period.

Quote:
This is exactly how I feel.
Truly, not surprised. I remember feeling that way after I found my ex in bed with another woman. It was devastating and I wanted him to suffer as much as I did. But, nothing I can do will accomplish that. He brought his own suffering on himself and had to learn through it. Likewise, Maca can't do anything that will "punish" me the way I punish me. EVEN if he murdered our whole family-GG included, he wouldn't be able to punish me like I punish myself.

Quote:
Hell he may be fine and moved on.... I wouldn't count on that... even if things look good.....ticking time bomb.
Oh no, he's not fine. He's got so much shit to work through inside of himself that there's no definition for how emotionally fucked up he is. That is being said with sympathy, not condemnation. The man has been through hell in so many ways it's not funny or even comprehendable. But, this isn't a dress-rehearsal, it's our life. So, if we want to make something of it, we have to work through our shit and move on. Shrug, he's trying. Might take a year, might take ten years, might take 100. Doesn't matter, I love him.

Quote:
Again I'm looking at things through my puked on lens..
I'm sorry-but that was so damn funny to visualise. My whole family is into photography-and the visual was just hysterical. On a serious note, it's ok, we're all where we are right now, that's just the way it is.

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I sincerely wish you all the luck and best wishes in the world. Even more for Maca
Thank you, he needs as much well wishing as the world will give.
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  #14  
Old 02-24-2011, 08:32 PM
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No biker chicks for me...I ride a Sportster...people call me the chick
Damn.
J/K.

I like you guys too much.

(weird I know, but if I like you TOO much, I just can't risk going romantic)

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  #15  
Old 02-24-2011, 09:28 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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weird I know, but if I like you TOO much, I just can't risk going romantic

Whew! That's a relief...especially with that hot ass of yours
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  #16  
Old 02-24-2011, 09:34 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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LovingRadiance .... Hair color and brand of bike not that big of deal...teeth and nice ass ... yur in plus you have what looks to be a killer tat. That alone gets ya in...

I almost wish I hadn't asked because I now see what you have in front of you in so many areas of your life.

I was just kidding I don't think any kind of an affair or relationship could justify that type of violence. I could see trading a few punches with GG though.

I understand your comment concerning the therapist.... my wife got similar guidance.... unfortunately going into her childhood is way to painful for her to face. She hated going to therapy because it took several days to recover form the sessions. So I completely understand his and your situation.

Whats opp ??? He wanted opp.

I wasn't suggesting having an outside relationship as punishing my wife or Maca with you. What I was saying was in a very small way have some of the feelings that we were forced to have.... and with truly poly people that's impossible like you said didn't work. But whether it works or not is got nothing to do with motivation. Even the perceived loss real or not still a motivation.

Got to run.... but thanks for the reply
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Old 02-24-2011, 09:52 PM
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Dingedheart-no problem replying. I'm a social butterfly!

Seriously though-I've taken no offense at any of your questions or thoughts. It is painful to regale the world of my "crimes", but, each time I do, I also feel a little relief, for the knowledge of being honest and true. That's critical for my happiness.

Thank you for the comment on the tat, it's not finished, but I do greatly love it.

There will be much to experience, good and bad alike in my future, just as in my past. That's ok, it's my life and trading it in would be death.

The most recent therapist is awesome, he specializes in trauma, followed by relationships. THAT has been A GODSEND for Maca. The ability to address trauma in a way that minimizes the actualy traumatic experience while doing so is critical in dealing with the shit he's been through.

OPP=One Penis Policy, ok to add women, not ok to add other men.

Yes, the desire to get "revenge" is real. It's ironic that so few people recognize the true revenge that is reaped when you "sow" forgiveness.

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  #18  
Old 02-24-2011, 09:53 PM
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Whew! That's a relief...especially with that hot ass of yours
There's only one, at least there's that huh?
Haha, you're such a naughty flirt online, and yet... so serious in person.

HUGS
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Old 02-24-2011, 10:13 PM
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There's only one, at least there's that huh?
Haha, you're such a naughty flirt online, and yet... so serious in person.

HUGS
Mono is serious in person?!?!? Not always let me tell you.
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  #20  
Old 02-25-2011, 01:24 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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mono

Sorry. You have always been very clear on that topic, and you were then as well. I guess when I was trying to remember the details I had the thought of adding another person to that camping dynamic.... as a mental exercise ... just a female biker buddy... ok hot blond female biker buddy ....non sexual of coarse. The thread you had started had all those posting and very few them actually on topic...and no one thought to go down that road. What I mean is no one tried to convince you to change in that way just change in so far as your boundary. I know this seems unrelated. However I have had discussions with my wife along these lines. I have started to moved toward being open to the possibility of dating and or relationships.



RL

I'm truly glad you have not taken offense to anything of my questions or comments because that is not my intention. As you know getting the full picture from short sentences is hard.

I think I now understand how maca could have wound up dead... I hope you have talked to a professional for that as well.

Don't get the opp in principal. Seem unfair or unbalanced. Was that before the poly journey ? GG a man right?

Who's got the desire to get revenge?

glad you found something funny.... and that's how it feels sometime.

Take care and good luck D
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