Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 02-22-2011, 05:26 PM
Reptigal Reptigal is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 6
Default I don't how to do this

Hi,

I've come here seeking help and advice. I'm a 23 yr old woman. I've been in a mono relationship with my fiance for 4 years. 4 months ago we met a young woman while traveling to a concert who was looking for a ride. We all hit it off and I thought she'd be a great friend. Then a few weeks later my fiance tells me he's attracted to her and want to have a threesome with her. I was hesitant. I like her but I'm not attracted to her.

Then just recently he tells me he wants to have a relationship with her and have her be a girlfriend. He wants her to be "our" gf. This has completely come out from left field for me. He's always touted monogamy as being the utmost important thing in a relationship and now he's changed on me.

I'm confused, hurt and feel like I'm coming apart. I can't stop crying and I feel lower than dirt. I love him, I've given him everything. He saved me from a terrible relationship and has helped me deal with past abuses I dealt with. I was fully prepared for a mono relationship with him and now I feel like I'm about to lose everything I've known and held dear.

I don't know if I can give him what he wants. I don't want to lose more time with him. He spends hours with this girl working on music and chatting online and I feel like I'm competing for him. For his attention. I just don't to do. I don't who to talk to. I feel I can't talk to our family or friends and I feel isolated and alone.

Please somebody help me. I need help to save my relationship.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 02-22-2011, 07:13 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

In my opinion you should not do anything for him. You owe him nothing. Its time to stand on your own two feet I think. He helped you through a hard time and that was a great gift, you can appreciate that, but now its time to change it up it seems. You are your own person, so what's next for you?

You don't have to accept non-monogamy. You are fully entitled to be monogamous. You are best as yourself. He is pushing that. That's fine, but its time to figure out where you are at with him, with yourself and your future.

So he has asked for a relationship with this woman and to have it be between the three of you. You say you aren't interested. Okay, so that's out, tell him that first I think. Secondly he wants to have this woman be his girlfriend, okay, where are you at with that? Could you accept that with certain time constraints in place? A balance that is more suitable than you have now? What are your requests with that?

If you find all this unacceptable, that is fine, but sit on it a bit, do some searches here, educate yourself and ask him to slow down so that you might catch up. Consider all your options for YOU and then start laying all your thoughts out for him. He gets to do that too and so negotiation begins. Later she gets her say and you can cross that bridge when you get to it. He might have an idea already. This is what has worked for me in the past anyway... and others.

He might of said he is mono all the way, but things change. Everything is fluid and time moves on. Should he of been so certain? Probably not, but he likely was at the time, now he's not. I suggest cutting him some slack and moving forward rather than dwelling on what once was.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog

Last edited by redpepper; 02-22-2011 at 07:44 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 02-22-2011, 07:18 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
In my opinion you should not do anything for him. You owe him nothing. Its time to stand on your own two feet I think. He helped you through a hard time and that was a great gift, you can appreciate that, but now its time to change it up it seems. You are your own person, so what's next for you?

You don't have to accept non-monogamy. You are fully intitled to be monogamous. You are best as yourself. He is pushing that. That's fine, but its time to figure out where you are at with him, with yourself and your future.

.
This
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 02-23-2011, 12:05 PM
BlackUnicorn's Avatar
BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 906
Default

Wow, it sure sounds to someone who doesn't know anything else about your guy or your relationship in general that he thought he was mono, has recently discovered he might not be, and thinks it will be a little less like cheating if he brings her into your bed. Although I realize this might be very common for people just starting on the path of non-monogamy, to me it seems disrespectful as hell.

Most relationships end up blurring the lines between me and you a bit. But this is his discovery, his project, and that doesn't mean you have to get along the bandwagon with him.
__________________
Me: bi female in my twenties
Dating: Moonlightrunner
Metamour: Windflower
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 02-23-2011, 03:03 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,557
Default

Wow, Reptigal, I am sure you are just reeling and your emotional pain is thru the roof! Many hugs.

Did you and your fiance have a date set for the wedding? Is it possible he is having cold feet around that? I assume he is close in age to you?

Now as for this new OW in your life, he has gone about this very badly. Sure, he'd love a hot 3way sex scene with his gf and his new crush. That's the most common male fantasy out there. Unfortunately the reality is rarely as nice as the fantasy, unless you are an experience swinger with lots of boundaries in place.

Is the new girl also interested in a 3way sex scene, or actual emotional/sexual relationship with YOU? If you're not bi, and yr bf knows you're not bi, it's stupid of him to suggest this arrangement.

It's also quite rude of him to just get infatuated, announce it to you, and then spend tons of hours with the new girl, as you stagger around and have your entire world rocked.

Most mono couples that succeed at opening their relationships take things very slowly, at the reluctant partner's pace. Your bf needs to stop thinking with his dick and have a reality check. This isnt poly (yet), it's basically cheating with a little nice language tacked on.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 02-23-2011, 04:45 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
.... he thought he was mono, has recently discovered he might not be, and thinks it will be a little less like cheating if he brings her into your bed.

....... very common for people just starting on the path of non-monogamy

Most relationships end up blurring the lines between me and you a bit..
Agreeing here. Very common theme... I don't want to cheat, so why don't we share. I did this once with my ex wife and PN... ended in a tragic mess.

Monogamy seems to breed co-dependence in relationships and when a couple is merged with each other so that there are no lines defining where one person is and the other it gets tricky when one person wants to break away from that.

I don't mean to say that being bonded is bad... connection, bond, considering ones partner, planning and doing things together is not bad... but then that is not co-dependent as far as I know it. Co-dependent is when one person cannot move without the other coming along too. Can't take a shit without the other knowing about it and being right by their side.

There is a healthy line between one person and the next that I think needs respecting. It means one can have ownership over themselves, not others. They can own their feelings, actions and desires... your man doesn't seem to be doing this and it makes me think that the two of you are a bit co-dependent. Perhaps a lot?

This will take some separating out to determine what is his and what is yours and what you are willing to share. Having been through this before, emotions aside, what is shared is time together. Boundaries can be created for that quite easily, but it means that everyone has to be on board with having their own life, goals, hobbies, whatever... his is this woman right now. Yours is what? reading, self help, crocheting, school work? This is what needs determining... once you have something of your own to grasp on to, the time he spends with her is not as hard to swallow... eventually you might even look forward to when he is not around so you can get on to your own stuff... all the while looking forward to the date you have planned with him for later.

When a partner decides they are poly and goes ahead and NRE's all over the place it can be a slap in the face of their established partner because they are used to a certain amount of attention and time. Or they are co-dependent. That feeling is one of devastation when the partner pulls away to be with another. That feeling to me is a sign that I need to look at my own life as mine is too wrapped up in what they are doing.

There is nothing wrong with being wrapped up. Nothing at all. Monogamous couples do just fine this way and some poly vees and triads... the point is to adjust to being wrapped up in other things too and find a balance between being wrapped up in a partner and ones own interests.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 02-23-2011, 08:43 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,161
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
It's also quite rude of him to just get infatuated, announce it to you, and then spend tons of hours with the new girl, as you stagger around and have your entire world rocked.
I agree with this. ^

What occurred to me while reading your post is that this woman might have been working on your husband to influence him in a way that would make him want her and move apart from you. But he's fighting that and saying, "can I have you both?" Possibly it's not really what he wants (being with her), but she's done her thing to him. The red flag for me is all the time they spend together and chatting online. If she was really a friend of you both and respected his monogamous relationship with you, she would curtail those activities with just him. When I was married, my husband and I called women like that "Splitters," as in "Relationship Splitter," a term used by some people who lead workshops on relationships that I used to attend.

In poly, they call women like that "cowgirls," 'cause they want to move the guy away from his other relationships and have him to herself, like taking a steer away from the herd.

A Splitter is often someone who is very self-centered in wanting all the love they can get directed their way. As kids, they were often the ones who would wriggle between their parents when they saw them kissing. As grown-ups, they often find themselves befriending married monogamous people and then throw up their hands when the spouse gets upset and say, "We're just friends!" But there are subtle ways they work their voodoo. Sometimes women like that are not consciously aware of these patterns of behavior they have, and wonder why they get into this kind of situation over and over again, and only have male friends because women don't trust them around their mates.

Your fiance may just be under her spell, and I think stepping back and not seeing her for a while will help him sort out his feelings and see if he may have been played by a woman like that. He might just be thinking with his penis.

He certainly has a responsibility to you and your relationship. Everything you wrote in your first post are very valid things you could say to him. You might ask him to also come and register here and read this thread. Be strong. So sorry you're hurting! And welcome to the forum.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein

Last edited by nycindie; 02-23-2011 at 09:14 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 02-24-2011, 03:34 PM
Reptigal Reptigal is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 6
Default

I just to thank everyone for being so nice. I feel that I should clear a few things up as when I wrote my original post I was very emotional and may have left dome important deets out.

The good news is we are communicating about the situation. I've made my feelings known and that I need more time with him because I feel I'm being shoved away.

A few quick things...
1. we are 2 year apart in age. I'm 23 he's about to turn 25.
2. We are engaged but have no wedding date set because we are in the process of saving money so we can have the wedding we want.
3. We work opposite hours. He works 8-5 and I work 2 part time jobs in the evenings and on weekends. (which has caused some issues)
4. He's in a band with this other girl, they have to communicate as part of their music
5. I'm not bi...but I have found myself attracted to the occasional woman...and would fool around with another woman if I found her attractive

I sat my fiancee down to talk about this whole thing because I couldn't stand feeling like shit. I explained my fears of him leaving me (and yes I do think I'm co-dependent in some areas). He insisted we wants to be with me and loves me and wants to marry me. He said he doesn't understand why he feels this way about this girl and apologized for putting me in this situation. I explained that I have doubts about this girl and am having trouble trusting them. He says she claims that if he left me for her she wouldn't take him (which I'm a little skeptical about) but I'm trying to give HIM the opportunity to prove to me he's being honest.

He's agreed to make more time for me and once we get out of the hockey season (which is taking away must of our time together because I have to be at work to broadcast the NHL games) we will take the time to get out together and make up the time. I've requested he slow down with this other girl. That I need time to think this through and a chance to educate myself.

I'm still uncomfortable about some of this. I feel bad that I secretly hope that by not agreeing to him being allowed to "date" her eventually the feeling will die down. I know that's wrong and manipulative and I don't want to be like that. I wouldn't mind their communication so much if it was only when I was at work or at skating lessons, but it happens even when I'm home and I think that is having more of an effect on me.

Once again thanks for all your kindness and understanding and for not judging me harshly.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 02-24-2011, 03:54 PM
FlameKat's Avatar
FlameKat FlameKat is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: :P Cautiously looking around this new world that seems to fit...
Posts: 311
Default my two cents

From your last post, I would think it within your right to ask him to set aside specific times for when he does 'band stuff' when you are around .... and that the rest of the time is YOURS... no interruptions from this girl during your time.. at least for now while you are adjusting...

Another option would be for you to take an interest and join in with the 'band stuff'... and again I would stipulate that non-band time is to have no interruptions from this girl... for now...
__________________
Smile! It makes people wonder what you've been up to

Engaged to my sweetheart, WaterWolf

my blog (non-poly) Pearls & Pixiedust


Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 02-24-2011, 04:54 PM
Reptigal Reptigal is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 6
Default

Is there a way we can make this work?

I'm a mono and I know it. I want both of us to be happy. I'm not ready to just walk away from this relationship. It's not just about him and me, our families are close. They have all bounded, we've become one big family. I'm really afraid what other family members would say if they found out.

I want to know how we can start slow. What do we do? What restrictions am I reasonably allowed to set right now?

If I let him escort her to events she doesn't want to go to alone, albeit they don't have sex is that unfair. Am I allowed to say right now they are not allowed to kiss? Should I confront her about hogging up all his time? Should I talk to her in person about it?

I want us to try and work this out. I don't think just walking away is right, and would be a huge mistake if we didn't try to work it out.

How slow is too slow?

Sorry I know I'm bombarding you all with questions. I just really need to be able to talk to somebody...and here feels safe.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
jealousy, mono poly, mono/poly, nre

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 05:27 PM.