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  #21  
Old 02-24-2011, 08:18 AM
polymono polymono is offline
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thanks nycindie
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  #22  
Old 02-24-2011, 10:08 AM
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Right now, the best thing I could imagine you doing, Polymono, is finding or rejuvenating an interest. What was that special thing that made you tick before you met her, or is there something you have always thought about wanting to try but never got the chance before? People who are interested often are interesting to others, too. I would advice against pets, though (tried that!), since they involve much longer commitments than most relationships with people.

Also, I think I might be strongly attuned to polyamory, since I have always felt really strong compersion (delight in seeing your partner show and share their love towards someone else) in all of my relationships, both friendly and romantic, and encouraged my partners to pursue other relationships even if I, because of time constraints, couldn't atm. I think the majority of people, however, come to polyamory after initially thinking themselves to be monos. If you consider polyamory to be a sexual orientation AND practise, there is a very fluid line between identifying as poly and doing poly.
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  #23  
Old 02-24-2011, 12:01 PM
polymono polymono is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
Right now, the best thing I could imagine you doing, Polymono, is finding or rejuvenating an interest. What was that special thing that made you tick before you met her, or is there something you have always thought about wanting to try but never got the chance before? People who are interested often are interesting to others, too. I would advice against pets, though (tried that!), since they involve much longer commitments than most relationships with people.
I'm not too sure what you mean. Are you saying that I should hold back and go on, or am I misinterpreting your words ?

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Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
I think the majority of people, however, come to polyamory after initially thinking themselves to be monos. If you consider polyamory to be a sexual orientation AND practise, there is a very fluid line between identifying as poly and doing poly.
Can you elaborate this too please ?
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  #24  
Old 02-24-2011, 04:24 PM
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Sure!

Regardless of what you imagine your relationships status to be in the next few months, it's important you take care of yourself first. You said before that you don't know quite what to do with yourself (when she's not around and you are imagining her with other people). In a similar situation, I would find a past-time I don't necessarily have to share with her. The more time-consuming, the better. Excellent hobbies are those where you really need to concentrate on the what you are doing atm and not on what you're doing in general with your life. Be it mountain climbing or 3D-card-making, think of something to do at those moments when you feel at your loneliest.

I'm no expert but I have a gut feeling that there are many more people with same-sex experiences at some point of their lives than there are people who self-identify as bi or gay. So you can practice homosexuality (or bisexuality, or whatever), without necessarily identifying as a lesbigay. On the other hand, someone with no sexual experience at all can still identify as gay, straight, bi, a or pansexual. I have even known young lesbian-identified women who have only experienced romantic and sexual relationships with men.

So you can practice polyamory without being poly, or poly-for-life, or exclusively poly, just like most poly people have some experience of monogamy. My point: you don't need to know yet if you are poly. Hell, you might never know. So you feel right now you might be mono and don't know if it's something that will change at some point? That's fine!

I hope this cleared up at least a bit of what I was saying. I always get feedback for my super-curt writing style at school, and it tends to backfire in other contexts, too .
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  #25  
Old 02-25-2011, 06:53 AM
polymono polymono is offline
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Thanks for your input, to all of you. It really helps me to sort out my mind and my heart. Lately I've been feeling some changes inside myself towards the situation. Is it temporary or am I making some kind of progress, only the future can tell. By contributing here you're all part of the shift, which I'm grateful for.

I did some more reading about poly vs mono, and feel that somewhere I start to understand the difference in how to approach both concepts of relationships. I realized that most of my problems were/are related to the fact that I try to apply my mono views on relationships to the relationship I have with her. By shifting that way of thinking, it seems to work much better for me.

Recently she was telling me she had a date with that guy, and instead of trying to understand why she does that and what the need behind it is, I just accepted it, but not in a bad, losing kind of way. Somehow I was happy for her. And I didn't totally felt angry or bad about it. I would lie if I told I didn't have any jealousy inside me, but it was constrained and controlled.

I also feel that I'm more open to different relationships with other girls without feeling a guilt towards my current relationship with her. She told me earlier, that she wouldn't have problems with me being with other girls, and having other relationships. At first I couldn't really understand why she told me that, even when knowing she is poly. It felt like she didn't care about our relationship. I don't see it in that way anymore. I know and feel she cares about the relationship we have. That makes me confident.

Still I realize it's all very new to me and there's still some way to go, but I feel I'm on the right path and right now I enjoy it.
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  #26  
Old 02-25-2011, 07:09 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by polymono View Post
I also feel that I'm more open to different relationships with other girls without feeling a guilt towards my current relationship with her.
This was such a huge relief for me when I realized that, just because we connect with other people (even platonicly), it doesn't mean we are taking something away from our spouse. Just because society or our friends say that there should be no room in our hearts for more than the one we are married to, that doesn't mean it true nor do I have to accept that.

My husband makes friends with women easily and he tends to develope close relationships with them. I'd be fine with everything, until a friend or relative would ask, "doesn't it bother you that ____ is always around?" Up until they said something, it didn't really bother me. I started to feel like I should be jealous, where I hadn't been prior. I also realized that I held back in my own interactions with others for fear of seeming "too friendly" or "too flirty" and as a result, I don't really have any true friends.

I truly believe that these expectations of what we "should" be doing or feeling has cause problems in my marriage. When we think we shouldn't have certain feelings, we hide them and lie about it, even to ourselves. There are no absolutes when it comes to our feelings, they are real and don't go away, just because society says we shouldn't feel a certain way.

Of course, NONE of this has to do with the actions we take based on these feelings, we're not there yet. However, it was such a huge relief for me to realize that I don't have to accept what society says should be, but that we can make our own rules, based on who WE are not who we should be.
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  #27  
Old 02-25-2011, 07:30 PM
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SNeacail, I like everything you just wrote, and can relate to a lot of it, too.
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