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  #801  
Old 02-19-2011, 07:40 PM
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Well he didn't get that way on his own ya know...good parenting! Children really should be one's opus. The time and effort and tears are all well-worth it! The payoff is better than ANY piece of art/work! Good job mama!
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  #802  
Old 02-19-2011, 08:31 PM
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Things are settling this week. I am anxious about my up coming date with Leo, but its far enough away that it just lingers in my mind rather than causes too much stress.

I had a week of things being somewhat back to normal in terms of daily routines and lovin'.

I have significantly chopped my social calender and have decided that for now other people can contact me to do stuff. No poly event planning for me. I realized a few weeks back that most of my community has branched off into like minded groups and are all hanging out doing their thing within the larger group. My planning events for everyone has become almost embarrassing for me at this point as I realize I am not part of what goes on out side of what I plan... I am in my tribe of loves and that is that....

I had an interesting comment this week from a friend. She said that I am known as the one that people go to to get straight up frank thoughts on relationships. While I like that it makes me feel like I need to work on being more fun... or something. Actually it made me feel proud, yet like I am threat. I mean, grrreeeeaaattt, so people only come to me when they feel strong enough to hear my frank opinions. Awesome! That is just fucking awesome. Sooooo, where in that do I get to talk about my own thoughts on my own life? Get support from others one to one? Get the same frank opinions in return? I tire people out I think... I tire my own self out for fuck sake.

I seem to be ranting... not my intent today. back to what I was talking about.

So, I realized this week that everything is okay where it is for now. I know I said that before, but I am feeling it this week. I love my men immensely. I love their humour, their teasing, planning, banter, consideration for one another, respect for each other and me... I could go on and on.. I love fucking them. That was a biggy this week. I am a fortunate woman to have two men at my beck and call whenever I am horny. I don't take that for granted, they are dedicated to my sexual healthy

I realized also, after several long emails to Leo that he and I will never have a bond like I do with my other men. He is not bond worthy on the same level. I spent a good deal of time laying out expectations of needs met with him as we are now embarking on the journey of this non-sexual relationship, having dealt with the shit we caused by crossing the threshold of something more. We are making our own boundaries. He is not able or willing to fill a lot of my needs. There is an imbalance there that we are working out as I fill all of his for a secondary. A very secondary secondary... he fills out only a few points.
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  #803  
Old 02-19-2011, 08:38 PM
vodkafan vodkafan is offline
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Hi RP,

well for what I am worth you can always talk to me..ya know I tell it like I see it too
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  #804  
Old 02-20-2011, 08:02 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vodkafan View Post
Hi RP,

well for what I am worth you can always talk to me..ya know I tell it like I see it too
very true. thanks for that I appreciate your friendship in that way for sure.
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  #805  
Old 02-20-2011, 08:27 AM
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These are good realizations to have, Redpepper. Perhaps all the running around and planning events was a way to connect with everyone and satisfy a desire to be with people. What often happens though, is that when you're the person who's always got the reins and organizing things, it appears to put you in a leadership position -- and then people might feel separate from you, or look up to you for "leader" type things, like advice. Now you can find new, more relaxed ways of connecting with them, sit back, let your friends relate to you as peers and you'll likely be able to get more of what you need from those connections. More of the tender, sweet sides of people, instead of being the one who always pulls it all together. Sounds like a good move to me! Good for you!


Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
He is not able or willing to fill a lot of my needs.
Hmm, isn't that the beauty of polyamory, though? One person doesn't necessarily have to fill many needs when there are other partners who can.

Unless you mean Leo can't fulfill what you would need from him?

Looks like you're doing good work on yourself, getting clear on things.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #806  
Old 02-20-2011, 08:34 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Hmm, isn't that the beauty of polyamory, though? One person doesn't necessarily have to fill many needs when there are other partners who can.

Unless you mean Leo can't fulfill what you would need from him?
Yes, exactly! This is my point.

My biggest need of anyone is to be in touch. He has told me this is not possible. He thinks about me, but is not willing to make an effort to keep in touch to plan dates, chat on line, email.... as most of you know who read regularly, I don't do LDR's and it is for this reason. No contact or conversation=no connection=no point to me. Its bad enough that we are to have no physical contact, but no contact at all unless I seek it out (even then he often doesn't reply) means there will be nothing down the line... ah well.

It has been in the past that I have gone about my business during the month. I intend to do that and just let it petter out if that is what is to happen. Not much I can do and really, what is the point at this point... even the email I sent to all partners in our families about up coming camping plans this summer was not answered... as I said in my last post, I am taking a back seat on planning shit. It seems obvious that I am not meant to at the moment.

Onwards and upwards...
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  #807  
Old 02-20-2011, 09:17 PM
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Hi RP, I feel like we have a lot of the same requirements in what we look for... for me a lot of it is about that connection. I'm struggling with that right now too. I don't want to be stalker-ish, but I like to know what that person is doing, I like the communication, I like to be contacted first, or yes.. at the very least, replied to.

I wish the best for you as far as the planning goes! Sounds exhausting and frustrating!
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  #808  
Old 02-23-2011, 10:30 PM
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sigh... just been triggered by a thread. Its been a long time since I have had that happen. I am feeling weepy, angry, frustrated all over again about the mono poly issue.

What the hell am I going to do two workshops about this summer?! I have no idea how to compose a workshop that brings some kind of hope to others on the mono poly front. First things first.... get through the emotions. These things come together when emotions are not present.
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  #809  
Old 02-23-2011, 10:33 PM
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Maybe it's best not to try and bring hope to others but rather to be brutally honest that everything isn't peaches and roses and there are very real issues that can come up and that people going into a poly-mono relationship should be aware of.
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  #810  
Old 02-23-2011, 10:45 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
Maybe it's best not to try and bring hope to others but rather to be brutally honest that everything isn't peaches and roses and there are very real issues that can come up and that people going into a poly-mono relationship should be aware of.
I agree with Derby....be honest about mono/poly...no harm can come from laying it all out. And I think I just read the thread that triggered you....good advice by the way
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