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  #11  
Old 02-22-2011, 09:32 PM
Imagination Imagination is offline
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I talked to Claudia and said, I don't want to be in a relationship with her for the next months and that in any way, I won't be mono. She should first deal with her problems without blaming me and second consider, if she wants to be in a poly relationship. She kind of ignored what I said and refused my suggestions. I'm visiting a friend in a different city, where I met an internet aquaintance, Lisa, who is in an open relationship. We got along very well and even though we both didn't plan to, we made love, which was very special and harmonic. This date made me feel very good. Her friend, Norman (who yet lives in another city) , wasn't very happy about what happened, because Lisa had informed him only very vaguely in advance, what was going on and what might happen. I talked a long time with Norman at the phone and I think it was good for both of us. Now I'm kind of anxious to talk to Claudia again, when I'm home or may be, I'll just wait until she calls. How do you think did I manage the situation and what else could I do?
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Old 02-22-2011, 09:49 PM
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Soooo, did you cheat on claudia? Or did you break up with her. Confused.
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Last edited by redpepper; 02-24-2011 at 02:42 AM.
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  #13  
Old 02-22-2011, 11:49 PM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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I believe he broke up with her, but she didn't accept it. I have a friend who has broken up with his girlfriend 5 times and each time she refuses to accept that it is over and guilts him into resuming the relationship by telling him that it wasn't really fair of him to break it off with her. Now he thinks he's going to marry her because he thinks that he should because of the amount of time they've been together.... to me this is a huge red flag. Anyone who refuses to be broken up with has some serious issues.
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Old 02-22-2011, 11:55 PM
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Originally Posted by BrigidsDaughter View Post
I believe he broke up with her, but she didn't accept it. . . . Anyone who refuses to be broken up with has some serious issues.
Ha! I know I've tried not to accept being dumped in the past and it never worked. How is that possible? The dumper says, "This is it," and I've said, "I can't accept that," but all I got were looks that said, "What are you crazy? I'm breaking up with you, you can't do anything about it!" And, of course, I knew it was just a last-ditch effort on my part to salvage it, but how can anyone say, "Oh, all right. I won't break up with you now, since you don't want me to." HUH????
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Old 02-23-2011, 12:07 AM
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Ha! I know I've tried not to accept being dumped in the past and it never worked. How is that possible? The dumper says, "This is it," and I've said, "I can't accept that," but all I got were looks that said, "What are you crazy? I'm breaking up with you, you can't do anything about it!" And, of course, I knew it was just a last-ditch effort on my part to salvage it, but how can anyone say, "Oh, all right. I won't break up with you now, since you don't want me to." HUH????

It doesn't make alot of sense to me, except to say that the first time she cried, he felt bad, they ended up sleeping together, and he "couldn't go through with it" because they'd just screwed... since then he's managed to break up with her 4 more times, each time it's lasted less than a month and all the while she was telling him that he wasn't really giving their relationship a chance, that he wasn't being fair, that he needed to put in as much effort as she is, etc.... mind you, she's a foreign national, here on a student visa, they've been dating for 5 years and are very different people, and have little in common (she resents his gaming and there is a language barrier), but she wants to marry him and seems to make him feel like there was an expectation of marriage down the road because he slept with her to begin with.
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  #16  
Old 02-24-2011, 12:22 AM
Imagination Imagination is offline
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Default Thanks a lot you for the answers here's my reply

I told Claudia before I went visiting my friend, what I wrote in my other post. I will spend about 3 month without going out with her and likely date other women/ start a relationship. Meanwhile she can think about her opinion of a poly relationship and she can work on her problem of freaking out and attacking me. I will contact her and ask her about her interim position, when I come back from my trip in 14 days, (which will be from now next weekend). She said, she would accept everything, besides that I would have intimate contact with other females. I said, I might do this anyway and she should consider, if she can accept it. So I told her quite clearly where I'm at and I didn't cheat. Nevertheless she might have overheard my statement. After the three month, we could try again - if she wishes to -, but as partners and not as exceptional lovers. I still have a lot of feelings for Claudia, but I rather would quit this relationship, if it goes on like this. I feel trapped somehow, I would like to help her with her mental problems, but I don't know how and over and over again - in between very beautiful times - she makes me feeling down by trying to control me and questioning my freedom.
It's like Brigids Daughter said, I broke up a few times in the last may be 6 months, but each time immediately afterwards by showing excessive sadness or anger (and by hugging me etc) or both she convinced me, to try again. May be, that's the reason, why I repeated my last decision on the phone. Before I talked to her on the phone, I told her the same personally but she put so much pressure on me, that I couldn't show her, that I really mean it. Possibly, she didn't take me seriously on the phone, too. (For about the past two weeks now, we didn't talk at all, didn't talk at the phone and I'm in a different city).
A major reason why I stayed with her so long is, because I feel sorry for her and I know how it feels to be in a serious mental crisis like that. I love her, but the love is hurt in different ways by her behaviour. It won't be easy for me (and for her), to get through with our seperation, yet I feel it is better for me and for her too. I guess she needs and she even wants to see some consequences, when she plays with me and provokes me again and again. I know she has other sides that are really positive, caring and creative. She has to get there in a process by herself or may be with someone else. I don't know if our bonds are strong enough, that we can have a relationship in a different form later. May be I'm naive, but at least I want to give it a chance. I feel, I also have to work on myself, because otherwise, similar incidents/ projections like with Claudia might happen again in my life. I think another way to prevent this are poly relationships, because a poly partner won't make me feel that dependent. Someone who manipulates the other to stay only with him/ her, won't very likely agree to a poly relationship.
The reason why I broke up with Claudia two weeks ago is: we got into an argument and she started to get aggressive and she didn't stop, even after I asked her to. That's why I lay down on the ground next to the bed. Her reaction was, that she jumped on me and kicked me with her feet in the back which hurt. Then I said, now our relationship is over. This made her freak out even more and she started to scream very load. So I decided to comfort her and to lay down beside her in the bed. I didn't really want to do it, it was an emergency solution. The next day I told her, what I wrote her before.

Last edited by Imagination; 02-24-2011 at 01:17 AM.
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