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  #21  
Old 02-11-2011, 11:34 AM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
In a situation where anyone is suffering, the immediate response of caring people is to ask, how do I relieve this suffering, if I can?
This is something Karma and I learned on this forum and it was HUGE in helping me. It added to his frustration at times when I didn't know how he could help me. But the fact that he asked was a big thing for me.

It was no longer "What can I do to make you catch up with us." It became "I caused this pain, what can I do to help you. I see you are in pain, how can I relieve it. How can I make it better."

I no longer felt like I had to hurry up and heal and get on the same page as them. I don't know that I'll ever be on that page. But I no longer care. I don't have to be.

It felt like it went from Karma wanting me to be okay with it all for his gain, to feeling like he really cared about me and my pain and wanting to help me feel better.

Things moved a lot faster and were a lot easier when I felt cared about and not rushed.Knowing he wanted me happy and healthy for me and not just so he can get what he wants, made a big difference.
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  #22  
Old 02-11-2011, 12:08 PM
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As the "leader" of our personal V, I find that I am frequenly frusterated by the lack of the ladies "speed". First with Mo, now with Cricket. I've done a lot of analyzing this over the past few months, and it generally boils down to my frusteration stemming from either A) not knowing or having a clue when we're actually going to get to the "van", or B) (and more recently with Cricket) a very real, hard to deal with fear that the van fucking left, IE I've lost the chance to be in a relationship with a woman I am very much in love with.

In both cases, the problems are MY problems, not theirs. It's easy to blame the "slow scouts" for not wanting to keep up. But if you take a step back and see that they are still trudging, maybe even crawling, forward, then you are forced to ask yourself why their speed isn't enough for you, and how that's fair to them.

For me, the way I deal is to keep my own insecurities in check (lately, that entails lots of communication with Cricket) and also to remember that the van is for ALL of us, not just for me. If Mo and Cricket aren't in that van with me, then I don't want to be in the van either.
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  #23  
Old 02-20-2011, 06:08 PM
AneA AneA is offline
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So what is too slow? I suppose it can note defined that easily, but there has to be a time when even the most patient will begin to think that this isn't going anywhere.
In one of my cases it has soon been a year since troubles begun with my partners partner (and by troubles I mean it's all in her head, insecurities that have nothing to back them up) and there has literally been next to no progress in that time. We haven't even been allowed to kiss anymore during this very long year and I see no changes in the near future.

Now am I wrong to think that this is starting to be tad slow and frustrating?
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  #24  
Old 02-20-2011, 06:57 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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AneA-
I would say it's not moving if a year has passed with no change.
Unfortunately people often use "I'm working on it" to ACTUALLY MEAN "until such time as it can happen without any difficult or uncomfortable sensations for me I'm not dealing with it".
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  #25  
Old 02-20-2011, 09:16 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AneA View Post
So what is too slow? . . . We haven't even been allowed to kiss anymore during this very long year and I see no changes in the near future.

Now am I wrong to think that this is starting to be tad slow and frustrating?
Oy, you must have the patience of a saint. I know I couldn't have waited that long for some movement to happen. There's going slow, and then there's standing still. If I were you, I'd start figuring out how to confront them about it, otherwise your partner's partner will just get so comfortable that they won't want any change. You deserve not to be frustrated and unhappy with such a stand-off.

That's just my 2 cents.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #26  
Old 02-20-2011, 10:02 PM
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TL4everu2 TL4everu2 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
AneA-
I would say it's not moving if a year has passed with no change.
Unfortunately people often use "I'm working on it" to ACTUALLY MEAN "until such time as it can happen without any difficult or uncomfortable sensations for me I'm not dealing with it".
I agree. A year is too long...However, some people take longer to move than others.
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  #27  
Old 02-21-2011, 05:00 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AneA View Post
it has soon been a year since troubles begun with my partners partner (and by troubles I mean it's all in her head, insecurities that have nothing to back them up) and there has literally been next to no progress in that time. We haven't even been allowed to kiss anymore during this very long year and I see no changes in the near future.
I think after a year you have to accept that his partner is never going to come around. She might be saying "take it slow" but the words in her mind are probably more like "it's never going to happen again".
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