Life Changes..the beginning.

[JenAgain]

I don't think it's so much the fact that he was or wasn't filling all of those needs before. I don't think I related to what those needs were. I've always been happy. Every day we are together I love him more and more. He's an incredible man, and he treats me like a queen.

Before we met, I always felt polyamorous..I didn't know the name of it. I could honestly have feelings for more than one person, unfortunately, many times it wasn't reciprocated the way I felt and led to short term relationships or FWBs. Yes, as society teaches us you fall in love, get married, have children... that's the way it's suppose to be. That's what I did. I fell in love with Drew, we were immediately faced with hardships of moving overseas where everybody was a stranger. We only really had each other. We had a few close friends, but we weren't ones to go out and party so we never REALLY got to know most of them that great. Had we stayed where we were, I may have realized it sooner as we would have been around friends and places we were comfortable, maybe?

We've been here in Louisiana for over 3 years now. Our friendships have grown, we've met a lot of good people, now that we are more settled not only in location, but with our marriage and how much we've grown while we were together overseas, I think it opened up this greater world of communication and experiences. I know he regrets that first day, when I asked him if I could kiss J that really got a lot of this started... but I don't. Not because I found this poly side of me... but because I feel like I can be a better wife to him, a better mother. I'm a much more sexual person now, not that I didn't enjoy it before, but whatever it is that changed, made me crave it, where before I didn't, not since that NRE period faded away.

Yes, with that comes change. It comes with sharing my time, but not my love. That would be like saying that because I love my kids, or my family, that I'm taking away that love from him.. but I'm not.

So while in his eyes I've changed.. I really haven't. I just discovered who I always was.. this experience didn't make me poly, it just made me realize that it was comfortable for me. It filled some part that I didn't realize was missing. So we are still stuck... between him not wanting to say no, but thinking if he does I'll just do it anyway. Me wanting to refrain from the poly thing, because i don't want to hurt him, but cringing at the thought of it at the same time. I wont do anything without his permission, because he is my husband and I love him dearly. As hard as it is, if he's not okay with it, or at least willing to keep pressing forward, I can't do that to him.

Amidst all of this, and totally unrelated, I joined a roller derby team in January. It's awesome, I find my place there as well. I feel tough and sexy. Being part of the team has me out going to events that call for sexy dress...I feel amazing, I have this self confidence I didn't have before. Unfortunately he sees it all a part of the poly thing since it all happened at once, and that's another big change that's getting lumped together. It's all too much too fast I suppose. I still dress normal when I'm not doing derby stuff...but because I never really dressed sexy before it's a huge difference for him.

Inwardly, I always wanted to dress sexy and am some what of a closet exhibitionist, but I've always been self conscious about my body which kept me restrained. I felt too shy, and worried about peoples opinions to let what I felt come out. Even in front of Drew. I would take suggestive, but not too revealing photos of myself. I hated having sex with the lights on, or even take a shower. All of a sudden I have that... and it feels good to have that confidence about myself. Is it the derby thing? The poly thing? A mixture of both? I can't say for certain, but I feel like it's a positive change.. where as he is unsure. He's caught in the "I like what all of this has done for you.. but I don't like the reasons behind it". I don't know how we can get through it, except that one of us has to give....

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by Beodude123

Arrogant? Maybe. But I think for the first six and a half years of our marriage, I filled all the needs she had. So is it wrong for me to be fighting with the fact that I can no longer fill all those needs? It's not easy to know somebody for that long, and watch them change a lot of things about themselves that you didn't know.

I am confused as to how this post fits into this thread. Are you JenAgain's hubby?

[JenAgain]

Yes he is.. he reads occasionally.. and I send him to read responses that I find pertinent

[Beodude123]

I think the worst part is that I feel caught between a rock and a hard place. Jen wants to have sex with J, but that was a boundary that we had agreed upon as being set. But she has been asking about it. I've been feeling a lot of anger to the whole situation, for whatever reason, but the fact is, I'm not entirely comfortable with the situation. In one hand, I want to make her happy, above all else, but at the same time, I have to balance my emotional needs with everything else.

So, can I say no in good conscience? No, I cannot. But at the same time, every fiber of my being wants to struggle against the whole thing. But Jen wants it, so how can I say no? Either way, I'm going to have to struggle with everything that comes after. If I fight it, I'll have the battle for acceptance, so why even bother? It's easier to just let it happen, no matter how I feel about it. The end effect is the same, right?

[nycindie]

People change and grow and develop new needs as they mature. Beodude, just because Jen has needs that another man could possibly fulfill doesn't mean you don't give her everything she needs from you. She is simply a person whose needs have grown and changed as she has. That doesn't mean you have to twist yourself to fit what you think J. is giving her, or could give her. He can give her those things because he is J. and you give her what she needs from you. We all have a rainbow of needs.

As far as sex and boundaries: a boundary is defined as a demarcation of the "farthest limit," or something that limits, confines, restricts, or restrains. Are such restrictions never negotiable? She was obviously willing to accept them at some point but as a person grows and changes, some boundaries and restraints become uncomfortable, perhaps even feel oppressive. Would you be comfortable sitting at the same desk you had in the sixth grade? I'm sure it would be too small and confining for you. Maybe you can look at it that way to understand what she is asking for in wanting to change the boundaries you set.

About sex -- for me, sex is a form of communication, a way to connect with another person via the body and not just words, that lets them know who you are on another level. So, as I see it, when you set boundaries against sex, even though you have accepted and to some degree welcomed the rest of their relationship, the restriction against them having sex prevents a deeper level of communication between them. Now, it's perfectly reasonable to ask for a slower pace, but you may not necessarily benefit from seeing such a liaison as a thing that will wound you. It could enrich you.

Try looking at the situation from different perspectives and asking yourself if the boundaries you have set are coming from things like a belief system you have been taught, a protective behavior against the idea that you will be hurt by it, insecurity, or what? Not to judge but to understand. Get to the heart of it and that is the only way you can have a real, productive dialogue with Jen about it without closing up and feeling at the mercy of what she wants.

Saying you feel stuck between a rock and a hard place seems to indicate that you feel if Jen has sex with J., it will victimize you in some way. If so, try imagining a "worst case scenario" -- what would you need to feel safe and taken care of by Jen, if she and J. were to move forward into a fully sexual arrangement? You and she might choose not to relax those boundaries, but either way, don't let yourself be terrorized by the mysterious unknown looming behind you. See if you can confront it and communicate to her exactly what scares you about the possibility.

To you both: be kind to yourselves, while also being brutally honest, in the process of dealing with all this.

[Beodude123]

If there is one thing this situation has brought up, it's a lot of honesty. I've been talking about my feelings more in the past month more than I have in my entire life.

Jen and I pretty much have a discussion about something or other pretty much every day. Each time we talk, or I talk with a few key friends I feel comfortable talking with about it, I find out what it is that is scaring me about it. Once I know why, it's easier for me to deal with. The sex thing is sort of new, so I haven't figured it out quite yet.



It just sucks because I can always logically make sense of it all. But then my mind starts to wonder, and it's pretty much always a bad thing.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by Beodude123

Each time we talk, or I talk with a few key friends I feel comfortable talking with about it, I find out what it is that is scaring me about it. Once I know why, it's easier for me to deal with. The sex thing is sort of new, so I haven't figured it out quite yet.

You don't have to have all figured out. Figuring out is something the mind does. That can come later. Just express your feelings, don't just talk about them but sit with them and let yourself really feel what comes up, see her reaction, look at it all from various sides. It's possible an answer or solution will come without figuring anything out, but from just being with what's going on inside you and in your relationship. You know what I mean? It's often those moments -- of looking at, expressing, and accepting your feelings -- when a realization dawns.

[JenAgain]

Thank you, Cindie, for your input. It's very much appreciated.

I'm hoping by being myself, and showing hubby every day how much I love and appreciate him that he will eventually grow more comfortable. That while so many things have changed, the foundation of what we are hasn't. We are still a solid team, full of love and respect for each other. I know that I couldn't imagine my life without him and part of what scares me in all of this. I do have a fear that he will say he can't handle this and leave me. At the same time I could never push him that far, so I fear that I will have to give up this found part of me.

I'm trying to take each day at a time, talking to him as much as possible and keeping everything out there on the table. This is probably one of the most difficult, yet most rewarding experiences I've had in my life.

[JenAgain]

I'm so exhausted. I feel like it's back and forth all of the time. Just when I think hubby is okay, he tells me he's on the verge of calling the whole thing off. I go from being fairly content and working on figuring out my own emotions, to being terrified about it coming to a stop but at the same time hating that I'm putting him through this.

He's usually such a happy, positive, person. What's bringing out the best in me, is bringing out the worst in him, and I don't know how to deal with that. How can I say that my feelings are more important than his when he means everything to me? He's my rock in life, and to have him not be stable and me be the cause of it.. breaks my heart.

I feel lost, I don't know the answer to any of this. Why does it feel so natural to me, but unnatural to him? Why can't I feel this fabulous just one love in my life? I can't imagine being married to anybody else, he's my everything, so why isn't it enough?

I just keep thinking if he can just stick it out, he'd realize that it's not so bad. Then I think, WHY do I need this? WHY do I need to put somebody I love through this? Yet, the thought of going back hurts just as bad because I feel like such a better me.. not just for me, but for him too.

Today, is not a good day.

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by JenAgain

I'm so exhausted. I feel like it's back and forth all of the time. Just when I think hubby is okay, he tells me he's on the verge of calling the whole thing off. I go from being fairly content and working on figuring out my own emotions, to being terrified about it coming to a stop but at the same time hating that I'm putting him through this.

He's usually such a happy, positive, person. What's bringing out the best in me, is bringing out the worst in him, and I don't know how to deal with that. How can I say that my feelings are more important than his when he means everything to me? He's my rock in life, and to have him not be stable and me be the cause of it.. breaks my heart.

I feel lost, I don't know the answer to any of this. Why does it feel so natural to me, but unnatural to him? Why can't I feel this fabulous just one love in my life? I can't imagine being married to anybody else, he's my everything, so why isn't it enough?

I just keep thinking if he can just stick it out, he'd realize that it's not so bad. Then I think, WHY do I need this? WHY do I need to put somebody I love through this? Yet, the thought of going back hurts just as bad because I feel like such a better me.. not just for me, but for him too.

Today, is not a good day.

Thanks for sharing this Jenagain. I think you have captured the type of struggle many experience...How needs can conflict and how one person's fulfillment can be another person's pain. How do we rectify this when things so fundamental within us cause a sense of being trapped? "My happiness is not the happiness of others". "What makes me happy and healthy takes away from the person I love". How do you truly deal with something like that?
I think the only thing you can do is really appreciate every moment.

I have struggled with the same type of emotions for over two years now..they have not lessened..they have become deeper in fact.

Good luck with your struggle